Lovin' It

I'm about to start getting ready for work. Why am I posting now? Because I'm sitting down, that's why. Actually, these past several days have been quite lazy to tell the truth. This summer class schedule is nothing like intersession. I have class at the same time, 8:40 a.m., but instead of leaving school at almost 3 p.m., I out just a bit after 11 a.m. Also, the workload is spread out because of 8 weeks versus 4. That reading a novel every other night sucked, I won't lie.

I've been trying to swim every day for at least the past couple of weeks, barring rain and other circumstances. My body is finally getting used to it, so I'm picking up my workout a bit. I had stopped my treadmill workouts when intersession started, just because I was so worn out with everything, so this is not only a welcome change, but a needed one as well.

I get the kids this coming weekend, and then it'll be another 7 days before our next vacation together. That may be around the 4th of July weekend? I don't have my calendar around, but I think that's right. I plan on taking them camping somewhere so I'm psyched about that. I've been trying to take them hiking on my weekends, and they just love it. We always have a discussion before we set out, predicting what we might see, and what we know from our previous outings. We stop at all markers and maps, and constantly take inventory of what we're doing while we're doing it. Every moment turns into a teaching moment, and they're responding to so much!

Oliver is supposed to be tracking guitar tonight with Scott engineering as usual. Joe is going to be there, and may track some guitar on his song "Beg the Past." I was going to be busy tomorrow night, but now I'm freed up, so maybe I'll get to work on some studio stuff too if Scott is free. Slowly but surely this thing is coming along!

Well, I guess I must post this and get ready. I hate that I have to miss yet another of Rohan's games tonight, but that's just the way it is. My dad is the greatest for covering for me when I'm not able to be there. I also have missed going out with some of my friends on our usual nights, and can't wait until the next time! I'm embracing this summer as truly one of the best in recent memory. Much love, Derek.

Encounter

Improvisation

The honest carouse

Senses askew

Tumble on down

The stuff the tuft

Smatter and laughter

Dizzy smeared looks

Cursory glance

Patchwork face

All the over

Something about

Never mind

All stop

Locked

Serenity's Edge

There are times
That I sit still
Nothing invades
There are no lights
I see every star in the sky
Time loses meaning
I want to burst
Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
The breeze holds me
A waking dream
Edges of galaxies
I see you
And it all makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs away

The Bed that You Make

I was just walking to the library from the communications parking lot and decided to take a longer, distantly familiar path, around Lawson toward the Ag building. I wanted to snap some pics with my phone, as I will soon no longer be on campus, and those who know me know that I am the sentimental type. However, I did not anticipate the rush of feelings that started to wash over me. Something melancholy? Possibly an aversion to the path itself or maybe associated memories?

I started back to school in the spring of 2008 at John A. Logan college. I made the decision to go back in the fall of '07. It was not an easy thing to put aside all that I knew, my professional trade, and just take a leap of faith into an unknown world. I had attended JALC for a glimpse of a semester in the fall of '91, but frankly, I don't even remember attending. I amassed a whopping 9 credit hours with a cumulative GPA of 1.67. Awesome, I know, but what did I care? Music was everything to me, and I just knew that my band, Cruces, was going to "make it." Of course, that is another story that I hope to reflect on in the near future. Yet those 9 credit hours were a springboard to acquiring my Associates degree. I was able to take 54 credit hours and raise my GPA to a 3.75 in one year which vaulted me into the Teacher Education Program at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale.

As for SIU --I never, ever saw myself attending this university. Both my father and younger brother had graduated from SIU, and my little sister had already gotten her Masters in Education from the University of Louisville...but me? I built houses for a living; I knew how to perform on a stage; I could write songs in my sleep --but pursuing a Bachelor's degree? It was never in my plans, let alone to become a teacher.

The spring semester of '09 was difficult...I will not lie. I pushed myself to physical limits with no sleep that I did not realize were possible. The first block of the El Ed program is meant to be an initiation of sorts, maybe to cull the pile of pre-service teachers. Who knows? We all like to speculate that is the case, but it is all relative. All the while, I did not realize that my personal life was imploding. I do not reflect much these days on what was really happening behind the scenes in the spring and summer of '09, because there is not much for it. It is irrelevant to my life now. However, my alternative path to the library brought back feelings from over a year ago...feelings that I was accomplishing something that had seemed out of reach...something great for my family. My perspective is somewhat different now. But, make no mistake, I still realize that my accomplishments will forever benefit my children, but a year ago, my point of view was from a different vantage point.

And so...I altered my path. I turned away from venturing to the Ag building and entering Thompson Woods from the west. I had considered going down this path, but knew it would only stir up the irrelevant. I knew my destination and decided against it. It is an interesting place at which I have found myself. Some days I believe that I walk a thin line between the concrete and abstract. This is not a horrible place for an artist, because I do believe wholeheartedly that my past immersion into the mundane was a critical detriment to my artistry. I have no regrets, but the mirror of my past can be very revealing in that aspect. I do not mean to say that I want to flirt with constant chaos for the rest of my life just write a few songs, but I can acknowledge the differences in my work from one period of my life to the next.

I am almost thirty-seven years old. Twenty years ago I was about to turn seventeen. For me, that is an alien thought, because my concept of time seems to be slightly skewed. I am still young, but there are those that are much younger. Granted, there are those that are much, much older, but I still believe that I have been afforded a place to consider in retrospect my actions and those actions of persons around me, both in and out of my personal sphere. I look at my family, my friends, my children, my former relations, my past lovers, and even those whose faces are fresh in my mind, but whose names I am no longer able to recall. Every person that I have known has made an impact on me to some degree. My life is forever intertwined with so many people, and when I stand outside of it all and look within, it is somewhat overwhelming. To even trace back bloodlines to Olde England or the Ukraine...so much greater grows the complexity of the threads of thought in my mind. I attempt it nonetheless, because I am sometimes afraid that I am overlooking the bigger picture of who I am, and my purpose in this so called life. Have I failed...or really, have I yet to even begin the purpose for which I am meant?

In reflection upon the past, I can honestly say that I would not change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that our fate is defined by destiny. I was destined to make the choices that I did, and now I find myself where I am at now. Sitting in this library, typing this entry at a computer station. My next class begins in thirty minutes. In two days this intersession term will be over, and my summer semester will begin on Monday. That will last only eight weeks and then the countdown will begin for my student teaching this fall. I will graduate in December with my Bachelors and will be a certified teacher after I pass my capstones. And so, I guess I wonder sometimes, "How did I get here?" If this is destiny, then where to next?

My children occupy the greatest field in my line of sight. They invade much of my thinking, for they are greater than anything that I have ever accomplished. They are so much bigger than myself, and more than anything in this world, they humble me, as I often times feel not worthy of such incredible individuals. Because of this, I strive to be a better person than who I was the day before. I always try to impress upon them my observations of the constant struggle of the human condition to untangle the sordid mess of life. Surely it is the uphill climb to obtain true virtuousness? Yet, I feel that I should teach them that to crash and burn is a natural part of living...and how we rise from the ashes and react to the aftermath of the destruction around us...that those lessons are what truly define us. As any father, I want my children to be proud of me...but I want them to also view me as a human being with flaws...one that did the best he could with what he knew. I am only myself and nothing more. If I have been made out to be something greater or lesser than what I state here, then it is of machinations beyond my control. I am a father that loves his children. I am a friend that will run out the extra mile for you. I have the propensity to love for a millennium. I have the determination to build a tower to the sun. I have the complexity of the sum total of every unsolved equation. I have much left to be said, and when my life is over, realize that I was not able to say it all. Whether I was forced from the path that I was on, or rather have taken a different path of my own volition, the true answer is irrelevant. I know what I want, most of which is unknown to the rest of the world. For I am the only person who truly knows even the most ardent feelings that are pent up within my breast. Maybe that story will never be told...or maybe it will. I may purposefully broadcast with set intentions, but I have been around long enough to know that the target audience does not always listen. And so it goes...

"Gladiolas" by Ida

I always return to Ida. This is from their album The Braille Night, and is just incredibly lost and haunting...an older, lonelier sense of the all that is the splendor of Americana.

"Gladiolas" by Ida

On the way to California
See my sister Carolina
Looking out on South Dakota
At a field of gladiolas
Gonna sell it in the summer
leave behind the floods and winters
Letting go of what they suffered
Let it fall away like rain across the plains

From a payphone on a corner
Making plans for our departure
I could wish we’d rush right over
Looking back over my shoulder
Cold December weather
Not keeping us together
It’s New Years Eve forever
We’re flying down the turnpike in the night

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

Someone’s always running faster
Towards the anchor that you need
You forget again and ask her
Why the light, it had to leave
An echo in a footstep

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

"And if you have a minute why don't we go..."

"...talk about it somewhere only we know..."
I'm literally lying in bed with my eyes closed, typing this...I'll proof read before I post, so...it's all good. I thought I'd write just because, well, I want to. I have nothing really big to say, no poetry, no lyrics, no la-dee-da. I'm just...here.


The past two weeks have been pretty cool actually. I started tutoring on campus, working with students who have a variety of learning disabilities, so it's been cool to get to know them and help organize, proof read, and rewrite final papers. It's been a challenge, because I have only considered working with younger students, and to work with college age students has required different teaching strategies. But it's been a lot of fun...it truly has.


I also started a new job recently, and every night that I work, I seem to meet new people and make more friends. It's always a blast being part of a team effort. I mean, I am really, really having fun with this new experience, so I would be hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. Plus, I get to work around one of my favorite bros, Jose, for whom I would probably do anything, since I think I owe him so much anyway!


And then the album! I get to listen to the rough mixes every day in my car, and I am super pumped about it! Honestly, it's going to be good, and I cannot wait to get feedback on it. I need to post to the HW blog, but I am definitely not going to do it tonight.


Finally, I just love my kids. I gotta say it, and I'll say it till I turn blue in the face and die --I JUST LOVE MY KIDS. They're the greatest, and I cherish every moment I have with them.


Now...I'm going to go to sleep...

Last Screams

After three a.m. walking

Through forsaken garden

Silver leaves they fall and kiss

Hallowed pale skin that the

Moonlight bathes hair and scarf

Blown in the crying wind

I stay the fear that I'll

Forget

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Wrestle with the winter's peak

Suffering wondering

Limbs that creak and bow to be

The trellis above your head so

Weary but alive but

Trembling you sometime soon

Will succumb to it and

Leave this behind

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Watching the Fall

I desire to escape
This prison of being
Outside, looking in
Embittered in want
To submit to disdain
And hating my heart
That still remains open
Raped and asunder
A dream just to be
Blissful in ignorance
Unfortunately though
Unwillingly omnipotent
Flows of information
Effortlessly drown my
Every sense like the
Din that roars and
Seeks to break what
I had, such candor
That I am afraid
Won't last long enough to
See me through this
Tortuous observing of
Grossly self-serving
Actions that beleaguer
Who I am, who I was
Who we were, no matter what
That we were meant to be
But now a picture of naught
Faith now destroyed
Trust that is no more
Such kind disemboweling
Perverse dance in the gore
Now I'm forced to watch
The strings that control
The autonomy now gone
A person that is no more
I still mourn for the passing
I still entreat and I hold
But in vain because there's nothing
But void, black and cold

All six eyes stared fixedly on you

"Years may come, years may go...did you hear we change? They told me so." Just a line from a song I wrote in early '97 that we never used. Something that has weighed on me recently, more so than other detractors in my life --I know a lot of good people with great intentions and big hearts, but I know very few people that are real. I struggle to comprehend why this is. There is a song called "How Beautiful You Are" by the Cure (which is based on a poem by Charles Baudelaire) that ends, "...no one really knows or loves another..." Sadly, I believe it rings too true. So to my close friends out there, and you know who you are, I hold you dear to my heart, because you are a rarity among seasons. And to those that flitter and flutter about like butterflies on a spring wind, seemingly not knowing where they want to go...well...you could learn a lot from the real people.

Umm...ouch?

A most bizarre thing just occurred. I was unzipping my gig bag to take out my guitar, as I have an idea fresh in my mind. I restrung it two nights ago for recording, and as my usual practice, I don't cut the excess string off from the post. My guitar is ever so slightly longer than my gig bag, so I have to somewhat forcefully pull the zipper around the headstock to make a quick job of it. When I did, somehow the excess of the sixth string (the thickest gauge for those of you not in the know) suddenly sprung out and stuck into one of the joints in my left middle finger and went pretty deep. It's now dark and swollen and pretty sore. I Guess I should have iced it before playing out my idea.

How, and How

Oh, my back and neck are stiff. My eyes are even stiffer...how's that for an odd description? It's this head cold that has me captive. Fortunately, I know it'll be past in several days. God has blessed me with a quick rebound time in recent years. Regardless, I'm still feeling the pressure tonight.

I'm about to finish my Portfolio 1 for ED308, and then I need to wrap up HW2 for ED317...aaaand then throw together a lesson plan for my third period algebra students. Fortunately, I don't have to reinvent the wheel. I'm just teaching a lesson straight from the book. And actually, I'm basing the projects for 308 & 317 on the respective chapter. Instructional goals and objectives were meant to be recycled! It's my own property of distribution. :)

Oh, btw if you're not already following the TDoHW blog, check it out HERE. I'll save all of my music banter for that blog for the time being.

So today was...well...stressful, but I survived. My classes were enjoyable, and I had some good laughs with friends. I mean, you've got to laugh about stuff, y'know? I'd curl up and die if I didn't. This world is too much for the everyday Derek. Anyhoo, I discovered today that today was THE day for seniors to sign up for summer and fall classes. The path that I travel in Wham doesn't take me past advisory, so I'm not up to speed on what is posted on their bulletin board, hence my seemingly newness to these things every time I turn around.

So after 424 I trekked over to Morris, did a little work, and at a quarter till 2 I logged onto Salukinet and attempted to register when we "C"s were allowed to. The key word: attempted. All of the run numbers I entered came up as registration errors, asterisked as "departmental approval required." But see, I waited five weeks for my appointment with my advisor, who cancelled my appointment an hour before it was scheduled. Thus, I couldn't get my classes approved. And when I went in to make an appointment this morning, I couldn't get in until Apr 8. Fun, fun. So after accepting defeat, I walked back over to Wham to see if I could get the block removed from those classes.

Oh, I guess I should also point out that earlier in the day I discovered that SIU now requires pre-calc before taking calc 1. Of course I find this out now. I'm taking my last middle school endorsement class during the intersession, KIN 202 in the summer, and I'm supposed to have two more math courses, one of which being calc 1, to wrap up my degree outside of student teaching. This means that I'll have to take pre-calc at JALC during the summer at night, with the supposed assurance that it will transfer back to SIU, and then somehow squeeze in calc somewhere...and where I have no clue. Just that one class may postpone my graduation date from December to May of next year. There's not much else for it...my hands are tied. Anyway, I digress...

Long story made longer, I made it into advisement, and while the student worker was making a note to give to my advisor, Andrea, she walked in the door, saw me, walked over the filing cabinets, thumbed through a drawer, pulled out a folder, looked up and said,"Derek, why don't you come back to my office." And I'm thinking silently to myself,"YESSSSSSS! FINALLY!" She removed the blocks on KIN202 & CI473, and approved my ED401a which is student teaching. BLESS HER HEART. So I was able to register for all of those, and between now and Apr 8, I need to register at JALC and get the ball rolling to take pre-calc there this summer. Which of course means more fun at financial aid there, which is like pulling teeth. I also grabbed some paperwork from 135 to put me on track to get my app in for student teaching by next week thanks to fabulous Ashley D.

Then I took part in a group presentation in 416 which was really carried by my colleagues. I wish I could say that I contributed equally to the project, but I didn't. I did do my best to expand on my part of the presentation, and we got decent marks, so at least that one is out of the way.

Then I had some fun texting with Rohan earlier in the evening, so that was cool. He's such a great kid. I'm so proud of him for everything that he does.

So here I am now...I need to get back to work, and then get a little sleep before an equally long day and evening tomorrow. I'll get home at 9:30 tomorrow night, just to start wrapping up the Adapted Lesson Plan using the UDL Framework for 424. The consolation? Thursday we get to go do grave marker etchings at a cemetery. Woot!

The Quiet Sustain

(work in progress)

Hey Mark, what were you
Saying the other day?
Wait...that was
Twelve years ago
Just like then I am
Lonelier today
Except now
You're gone
I promise I listened
To you
I always sang
Along
I saw your words
In colors soft and true
That you will sing
No more

I bet she is
Sitting at home
Mark, do you think
There's still hope?
She flies
Then she hides
And I no longer
Know
The pain
I feel
Has no place
To go

Four-Fifteen Sherry Pain

I'm in the dark

Monitor glows

Beautiful faces

Reflect the light

Heavy breathing

Small and precious

This is where

I Want to be

With them

Always

Of course I know

That is not how it works

But I still cherish

The moment

I still cherish

Their sounds

This is our last night

In this house

I'm ready to leave

I died here

I was born here

I will leave nothing

I will take nothing

I just want to be

With them

Always

And that can be

Anywhere in the world

The Lie

Air so sweet the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of the all engulf me

And it builds some more

Pull so close in binding

Breathe that breath to claim

Standard of a sensual chorus

So easy to stay this way

Worried echoes of angels

Laughter that chances to dare

Muster of wanton naivete

And it builds some more

Cries in dark embracing

Flesh slides smooth and bare

Consuming and creating

Promise to stay this way

Refrains of breathing waiting

Rhythm of smiles and stares

Pains and water breaking

And it builds some more

Cries in water embracing

Blood and tears so pure

Newest breath so tiny

It must always be this way

Mold the world to take it

Contain the sun to share

Still soft the touch to invite

And it builds some more

Glow of noontide embracing

Replay of practiced stares

One sincere the other maybe

It might always be this way

Hint of summer failing

Shadow of pensive malaise

Torn banner of a wistful chorus

The song is sung no more

Chimes that seem much louder

Where laughter used to raise

Stares no longer linger

It must always be this way

Proposition of a sunset

Blunt incision to fillet

Choking wailing convulsing

It starts to falter more

Rush to build salvation

Exhaustive tears unsure

Surely some feelings still linger

Bargaining to keep it this way

Emptiness of expulsion

Stupefied sickened dazed

Wondering how it all happened

It can never be anymore

Air so bitter the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of cold engulf me

A lie is all that stays

Velvet

Just when I thought

Everything was gone

Out of nowhere

You appeared

I would be lying

If I said

I didn't fall for you

From the first time I saw you

The fire beside us

The silence around us

I could have stayed

With you for hours

The velvet of your voice

The glaze of your eyes

Caught me by surprise

Lost and mesmerized

The curve of your lips

And the glow on your skin

I'll never recover

Engraved in my mind

Can't bear to think

About walking through this life

Not seeing your smile

That cruel fate denies

What darkness may come

What goodness may go

I'll always remember

I'll never let go

demo on YouTube

Luster

I'm posting this tonight for a friend. I wrote "Luster" sometime in '04 I believe. It was both autobiographical and modeled after similar experiences in some of my friends' lives. And just now I was thinking about a conversation I had tonight with a good friend, and this song crossed my mind, so...this is for you A.

Air so close
Haze all I see
There you are perfect
Stock smile in front of me
How do you choose
The promises to break?
How do you choose
Which ones to keep?

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

Eyes burn with sweat
I hardly breathe
Never a look I give
You seem to see
I know I have free will
All the memories I could kill
But for what?
It's all too hard for me

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

I thought I heard
You say alright
But I couldn't be
For sure
Oh, but then
You would just
Lie again
To me

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

"Little Things" by Pomplamoose

sorting all the lights and darks

making sure our love won't lose that spark

you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take

dinner out instead of shake'n'bake

you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines

filling our heads with dreams

but love is the little things

love changes everything.

picking me up after work

putting up with all my silly quirks

you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great

while you try to hide a stomach ache

you really didn't have to.

Check out Pomplamoose at: http://www.myspace.com/pomplamoosemusic

Ardor

My head it searchingly aches

My eyes close just to wait

And I want just

One thing...

My heart pounds within my throat

My stomach is afloat

And I want just

One thing...

This room is getting smaller

As the night grows longer

And I want just

One thing...

Such prolonged pendulousness

A dare will only best

And I want just

One thing...

If only prescience were mine

Warmest solace divine

And I want just

One thing...

But the unknown still taunts

All the maybes still haunt

And I want just

One thing...

Amber memories in flame

Desires whisper a name

And I want

Just one thing...

I am ardent and fervent

Zealous and determined

And I want

Just one thing...

I want

You

i've never wanted for much, but...this is one of those times...I just want to freeze this feeling...and keep it...stowed away...for all-time. Yeah.

I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.

I'll be sad when Elena loses her speech impediment

Elena walks into my room holding a Star Wars blaster and says, "Daddy! We are de tops, and we're going to arrest you! Shoot'im Riddit!" Riddick starts yelling, like he's snapping into a Slim Jim, and Elena marks me with the red laser from the toy gun and shouts, "Oooo! Daddy! Der's a lady bud on you!"

Restore

I posted the lyrics to Restore as a note on Facebook some time ago. I've been watching the video of me performing the song to consider different approaches to the vocal line, and it just got me thinking about the song content in general, and how much it really means to me. I wrote this song last year on Riddick's birthday, which is on the 31st of this month. It is actually a very personal song, whereas I write a lot of songs for and about people that I'm close to. It delves into my heritage, both distant and near. Around the time that I wrote Restore, I wrote about twelve other songs, and like I said before, they were not autobiographical. However, it's very surreal to look back at the lyrics of those songs and consider how prophetic some of them were...for now, in lieu of recent major life changes, they hit really close to home. Art truly does imitate life...even when you least expect it. Now more than ever, I want to get in the studio and get this album over and done with. It will be a major cathartic experience, and one that I will not ever want to return to again.

Restore

I will sit on smooth dirt floor
I will dream of something more
I will leave all of my friends
I will return never again

I will put my foot on shore
I will last I will endure
I will walk into the wind
I will fall in love again

Restore Me

I will break through tundra’s back
I will sing across that land
I will taste from Siberian stream
I will wake in Peter’s dream

I will look across a farm
I will grip my lover’s arm
I will promise a precious lie
I taste her kiss one last time

Restore Me

I will walk down from the hill
I will erase every kill
I will yearn to be at home
With the one who will never know

I will swim in youth so real
My brothers all alive and well
I will race into a house
The wall turns red the laughter stilled

Restore Me

I will lie in a room so cold
With faces worth more than gold
I will smile and meet every eye
Surrender all the past I know

I will climb into the hills
I will breath in all the chill
I will touch every hand
That reaches down from Glory land

Restore Me

Reset

Skin cracked
Along the fingerprint
It heals...
Cracks again...
It's an endless cycle
At least in the winter
But afterward it's good
For a very long while
Then as always is the case
The weather changes back
And then cracked again
And I always forget
How to deal with it
Like it's new
And my brain wonders
Why it even bothers
Because I'll never learn
And I mean never
In the sense of never
So I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I realize that some
Beginnings quickly end
And some endings
Seek new beginnings
And it's okay to be tired
It's okay to be numb
It's okay to feel sick over it
It's okay to...
Just let it all go
It's cracked skin
I use my hands a lot
So what can I do?
I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I keep telling myself
That it won't happen
The same way again
And I wait
And massage my broken skin
With fingers cracked anew
And wonder

Marais des Cygnes

Seriously though
Is it all in some way of
Trying to reconcile
With the lack of action and
Feeling and emotion
And all of the above
Of everything that maybe you
Feel that in the long run of
Another day in time
You might leave this place
This last place of Bleeding
Before the Lost Cause
You just might consider
Trading in all of the
Nonsense and fever pitch
The non-such and for once
Letting something or
Someone take care of you
Away from it all?
Well, I have always
Considered the fail-safe
Of better late than never
But these days I fear
Never like I've never feared
Anything in my life
Which is running away from it all
And I just might consider
Trading in all of it
Because the frustration
That I feel is starting to
Pull me away from this
So most amazing
Intrinsic beautiful
Blow apart the stars
In the face of it all
Powerful feeling even though
I don't want to go...
I really don't.
But as much as I live
That life is one that has
Always had a need to feel
And share and want and give
And that is what it is
And that is what I've always been
And if that is something that
Scares you then I really
Wish you would just let me know
So I could change course because
I don't want too-lates
Sneaking up on me from
Behind and tapping me on my
Shoulder just to laugh in my
Face as I turn around for yet
Another round of let-downs
In the wake of the world
Passing me by with everyone
That I know looking down
At me from their window seat
That they purchased when I
Thought I knew it all...
When I thought I had it
All figured out...
And now I know that I will
Never have it figured out
Only because it is relative
And I'm pretty sure that
I don't see it in the same way
As anyone else on this planet
And although I had hoped
That you would agree
And maybe I really do believe
That you do in fact see
What I see and know what
I know and sing what I sing
So it would so pain me to admit
And to see it would make me sick
You may just be content to
Settle for mediocrity
And I cannot and will not
March to the beat of the
World's drummer because
I would loathe myself
And the hand that clasps
That hand is the one that
Touches me deep and
Smooths out all of my
Scars and checks my mental
Notes and holds tight as
I tell myself
I just don't think that
I can survive to see into
The long run of
Another day in time
And very soon I honestly
Dread that day that will
Open up with a monologue
That my heart is shoving
Down my throat that simply
Has two words written on it
It says,"Say goodbye"
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes

Brasserie

I have cast
A frail and thin
Cloak around
My skin
And dream of once when
I entered in
A place so warm
With friends
With smells of bread
Rich drafts of mirth
So rich it took
My sight
I supped and drank
To my heart’s content
I cried tears of
Delight
We sang for love
We sang for health
We sang with all
Our might
There was no count
Of hours past
So stretched a long
Good night
Now memory is
So cruel to me
As I walk in cold
Tonight
I wonder if
I’ll ever see
Again
That lovely sight
I keep walking
I keep searching
I need something
I am fading

I'm Here Now

I'm here now
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
There is no direction
Nothing outlined for me
So I'm just trying my best
Feeling around in this dark
Trying to make out which
Ray of light to follow
Very fearful that the most
Beautiful is nothing but an
Illusion that has my heart
Bound in a perpetual loop of
Exhaustive hopefulness
Some nights I laugh
Some nights I scream
I'm here now!
Why can't you see me?
Or do you and it's just
Something else over which
I have no control and the
Clouds that surround the
Issues won't part for me
And the light in which I believed
Slowly fades into nothingness
And for the first time in a long time
I start to doubt because
The stops have all been pulled out
My words have all been spelled out
My plans have all been played out
And I am left with the nothing that
I've had for so long
And in that passage of time
That will be added to all of the rest
I quietly mourn what I honestly
Believe should have transpired
Because I'm here now
Still alone
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
Just because down the road
In that most incredible place
That is most illuminated
By your ray of light
I'm still that fool that
Believes that there is a chance
A slim chance in this
Murky sea of futility
That you'll have me
And I'm just left saying
Ever meekly and simply
I'm here now

"In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for
And all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize
If I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know
I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for
And all you need
I picture you fast asleep
The nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone
Who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I've been caught in between all you wish for
and all you need
Maybe you're not even sure
What it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

One Month

Monstrously
Razzmatazz amazingly
Surely feverishly
Inexplicably
Adamantly
Wonderfully
Unreasonably
By far unseasonably
A parting of the seas for me
Hail that cab for you
Bow to the night for me
Interestingly
Never effortlessly
Abiding by the rules
Accordingly
Tripping into you
Crashingly
Smashingly
Try me and take me
Earnestly
Sweetly
Softly
Wait then wait then
Reach to the sky
Open-heartedly
Heatedly
Passionately
Forever intensely
Enigmatically
Finally
For the sanity
Of you and me
For all time
That we both see
That we shouldn't be
Walking through this life
Unhappily
It really can be so easily
Remedied so stand
so tall then run to me
Like Hell is lapping
At your feet
You will find your strength
And stare out at the world
With eyes stronger than me
I can see you now
Hear you now
Telling your story so
Vividly
Convincingly
Matira Beach I can see
Such a nice thing to dream
All because of your simple smile
Digitally and sincerely
From you to me

Such Beauty Gone

I want to be
A mountain stream
That flows down from
The highest of peaks
I would cleanse
All places of darkness I would
Do this all
Unseen
I want to be
The tallest of trees
I would protect
All who needed me
I could give
Shelter and more
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

I want to be
A circle of stars
A crown in the heavens
Seen from Earth
I would show
The lost the way
I would guide
Their path
I want to be
A great stone hearth
That brings a fire
To the world
None would go cold
I would stay and never go
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

Illusion of Elusiveness

High order concern
Superfluous thoughts
Brain hurricane
Lingering worries
The binding restraints
Of the situation
Sleep deprivation
Emotive starvation
But processing it all
Reflection and translation
An easy to see function
I marvel at our likeness
Knowing the answer
Afraid to say it
Too soon too early too much
But still...
Cannot second guess
The strikingly obvious
The honest observation
Complexity colored with
Hues of simplicity
While not diminishing
The struggle and anguish
The seemingly onerous decision
This fall harvest of emotion
Double edge of what is fair
But oh! think of your needs
Sedative of heart and mind
That above all is paramount
Do not leave yourself
See the strength I see
See the beauty I see
And have courage
Transcend
Have peace
Sleep

Like Nothing Ever Happened

Take the trip
Back to town
To remember when you
Wanted the finer things
Oh! the cotton blends of
Life so fast
You wanted in
But then you never
Had the chance to
Hang on so you
Went on your own trip
Through the stars
Mapped how you like
Yet in it all
Something wasn't right
So you looked to the four
Corners of the room
That you're soaking in
'Cause it seems
New now and then
You say that some things
Can't be shared
And you're scared that
You could be right

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

The disappearing
Laughs and smiles
That you owned
Now traded in for
Rough ends and the
Dreading of
Turning into
The lost episode
That no one will
Ever watch
And it's so real
Like the wind went still
And the leaves
That were your life
Begin to fall

(No sand castles
No skipping thrills
No slush-ball kills
Everything
Taken
Away...
Grab hold
Embrace it
Remember
Forever)

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

dgc '98

I am the Phoenix

I was dead but
I am still aware
I am careful to consider
I am full of emotion
I will rise again today
I was empty but
I am alive with desire
I am stored up with passion
I am willing to wait
I will win a smile today
I was the sacrifice but
I am reassembling
I am reconstituting
I am reconstructing
I will be of clear mind and conscience
I was fearful of new feelings
I am now firm in what I want
I am brimming full in my heart
I am ready for today
I am ready to see new beauty
I am ready to taste new love
I am ready to hear new whispers
I am ready to touch a new kindness
I am ready now
I am ready for today
I am the phoenix

Road Trip into the Sun

This a road long ago traveled
Maybe completely unknown
It is hard to tell
Hard to see
Surely there are markers
But in this blur unseen
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Where there were torrents of rain
Now the sun is too bright
The weather almost too fair
Am I hopelessly open?
Too purposefully unguarded?
Earnest and willing?
Speeding and speeding and speeding
I just feel like exploding though!
It is so difficult to explain
A puffed up searing in my chest
The thought of touching something
So illuminated in perpetuity
How can I possibly slow down?
But was not common sense
Made for times like this?
Yet did I ever or have I ever
Really ever subscribed to that?
Spontaneity and a robust desire
Have never served ill my
Honest and hopeful intentions
But there is that floating fear
That pervades throughout my mind
That intercepts and tries to derail
My most minute attempts at happiness
That fear that leaves me considering that
All of this...
Every fine porcelain facet of this
Is nothing more than an
Evanescent dream
Something that I was not meant to have
Something meant for someone else
Of which I will never be worthy
A fear I will never set foot
Out of this wilderness
But it just cannot be!
As much as I fear it
Even so much greater
Is my adamant denial of that fear
So much so that I know
Deep down in my heart
That there is a possibility
There is the chance
However small
However unlikely
That I might touch this light
Bathe in its warmth
Even if I risk burning alive
Just to give back...
To give all of what I am...
Unashamed
Unrestricted
Uninhibited
With no concern of
Mutual exchange
Just knowing that
I am making a difference
Knowing that I am bringing
Joy and happiness
To another
In my mind it is an abolute
So undeniably worth it
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Just to make it in time
To be able to once again say
I love you.

Pause and Apprehension

I can smell it...
I can almost feel it...
I know it is there
A new breeze
Though faint I know it is there
Because I have heard its voice
I have heard its song
And I just keep waiting and waiting
And the candles are burning down
And fear is creeping around my mind
And that fear has only stolen aboard
By way of an older and less promising
Harsh wind of the past
Guiltless and remorseless
A wind that was full of promises
But turned everything barren
In its wake and is now rearing
Its face once again
Selfishness in spite of my pain
And so now I am here
Almost in the dark
Trying so desperately
To shield myself
Trying so hard
To keep the door open
For just a bit longer
Just a few moments longer
Hoping and waiting
Waiting and hoping
That the new breeze
Has not disappeared
But will return
To scatter the dark
To open up the sky
To bring change
To tell me it will be alright
To save me

The Wind and the Gray

Some mention of loss
Vague and off to the side
Silent and lithe
So dear to my sight
Foot fall and stop
Broken lips more than not
A sad picture says all
But that’s not what I see

They may see
What did never mend
They may tell
Of what they heard and then
They may propose
The sordid rumored end
They may all serve
Themselves forever ill

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

The stress of why
And how it all comes down
The questions mount
You say to yourself that it all just doesn't make
Sense and senses you start to doubt
Yourself and all you’re scared to allow
To happen how it may oh dear just let
What might be just natural play out

I don’t see
What did never mend
You told me all
I need to know and then
I may propose
A very different end
Different from them
Different from him

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

Wind and the Gray - DGC 10/31/09

Was

Finally home and it's all finished
I look back for love of fiction I wish
That somewhere back there I don't know when
Maybe what if we had waited, you know who's to say
The brighter side could've taken hold
Maybe obliterate the thought of being old
It's hard now, so hard now
Good and evil both farewell

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

Late summer trip out East
I really, really wanted to believe
The air was different, the sun was different
We were both there and it didn't make a difference
That three days went by so fast
And the next three years were a blinding crash
This star has died sucking in the dreams
Now my course has changed and what was has ceased

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

I will push further and further
This will break cleaner and faster
I will wait for another
I alone will shake this disaster

DGC 1998

Whenever I Fall

Washing cycle carries on
The candles have all gone to bed
Sitting criss-cross on the floor
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
No expectation to lasso the moon
I do not even know what time it is
Staring at a shadow that will not move
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
The carpet tells no tale of running feet
The refrigerator echos near empty
Small voices remember me from across the town
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
I know the rain will bite and gnaw
I know time is green-eyed and chasing me
How strange the new now I miss the most
And I'm dreaming of a friendly voice

"Lolo Sang" by Ida

All the time we spent running
From the war, from the deluge
I was sure that I would see you
Once again, once again
Didn’t know if you were looking
For a highway or a room
Or the promise of some refuge
Or a good friend to help you though
Oh the days are getting shorter
And the wild flowers take the wind
And I hear the night birds singing
Will I see your face again?
Long ago on an island
Where the rice fields meet the sky
Lolo drank with his brothers
Played guitar, sang and cried
All this time I was searching
For a home I could not see
I just knew I didn’t belong here
Then you finally came to me
Oh my babe I truly love you
More than these words could ever say
And I know we’re just passing through here
But there’s no place I’d rather stay

Late Blues

if i get lost along the way to meet you
if i'm more than a little late
if i get caught up in circles chasing my own tail
if i trip up and fail you
if i let you down
if i let you down

i can see that injury that accompanies the passage of years
i can try to rationalize the accumulation of fears
and the dreams that draw a song in pursuit of the end of time
and the grace that illuminates the path
if i let you down
if i let you down

in the night the city's quiet
from the rooftop we can see the moon rise high above the clouds
just enough light to see our faces give expression to the words we thought but didn't speak
and then you asked me a question that i won't forget
even if i spend my life trying to live up to what it means
if i let you down
if i let you down

don't let it break down
don't let it break down

Late Blues ~ ida (2008)

After Dinner

Elena: Mommy? Why do we say, "May I be Ets-stused?"
Emily: Well, that's what we say when we're polite.
Rohan: That's what fancy people say, and eventually, I will become fancy.
Emily: Rohan, you're adorable.
Elena: Rohan, someday a hot durl is dowing to marry you!

I am the Rain King

Wow...I'm worn out, but I thank God for the energy I seem to have in reserve. I've been so happy that I've been able to squeeze in workouts the last two nights. Hopefully I can keep it up. With the chiropractic and massage visits a couple times a week, the hip is starting to come around enough that I've been able to do these workouts. Not to dismiss all of the stretching and heat and cold treatments that I do about three times a day. We'll see what happens Friday. I'm supposed to go skate and hit a couple local skateparks with my old friend, Kevin Bearden before we run up to St. Louis to see the Counting Crows. We haven't hung out together in almost twenty years. I'm really excited about seeing them, because it will be my first time. Yeah, I know. Actually, Kevin and some other friends camped out for tickets back in '92 or '93, and for some reason I skipped out on the whole deal. Finally, after all these years I'm going to make up for it. What's funny is that the last time that I went skating with Kevin and my buddies and then went to see a concert was when we saw Poison in Cape Girardeu in '90. Brittney Fox opened. Rich, huh? Let's see...then the Fourth is the next day with some grilling out. Then I'm singing at church on Sunday, so I won't be screaming Friday night along with the masses under the Arch. Hopefully my body will stay together so I can start painting trim next week.

The cuteness of Elena continues...

I'm in the dining room working on some tabs, and Elena comes in and says that she's "humbry." As much as I love that word, I correct her and ask her to politely ask for something to eat. I then get her a Lunchable out of the fridge, unpack it, and hand it to her. She asks, "Am I going to eat this in the living room?" I say, "Sure, just be careful." She then smiles and roles her eyes and replies, "This is going to be sooooo insane!"

Another Elena-ism

Elena: Daddy do you want to see what I drawed?

Daddy: Sure.

Elena: See?!

Daddy: Oh! That's wonderful!

Elena: Do you want to see what Allie drawed!

Daddy: Sure.

Elena: See?!

Daddy: That's great! Hey, do you know how we say that? We say, "drew." So, I draw my picture, but I drew it yesterday. So, see what I can draw? See what I just drew? So, can you say drew? Say drew.

Elena: Drooled!

Daddy: Umm...yeah, good job.

Summer Is Here

I know if I told a story about finding a penny, someone could tell one about finding a quarter, but for me, the penny is enough. Having said that, our summer is shaping up to be quite busy, and I'm hoping that we can find a groove and settle into it.

Rohan and Elena start tennis tomorrow which lasts until late July. Elena's age group starts at 8 a.m. and goes until 10 a.m., which is when Rohan's begins and his goes until noon. The question that I have, which will be answered tomorrow, is will I be able to take Rohan early and can Elena stay late? The latter I seriously doubt. I can't imagine someone being there to supervise four year olds away from the lessons.

Rohan also begins baseball camp tomorrow. He has to register at the same time Elena is registering. I just informed Emily that there's no way I can be in two places at the same time. I think she agreed to take Elena, and then turned off her nightstand light and rolled over. His baseball camp only lasts for three days though. Also, Allie starts a three day pom-pon clinic this week, which I think may go from 1 until 4 p.m. That shouldn't be too bad. Rohan has a couple games this week as well, but of course they're in the evening. It's crazy to think that his season is almost at the halfway make. Only about three more weeks I think.

The craziness will set in next week when my classes begin. I have to leave soon after 10 a.m. to be able to get to Carbondale and make it into class by 11 a.m. My last of two classes lets out by 1 p.m., so that at least isn't too bad. However, I'll be depending on my dad to get the kids back and forth to whatever they're doing. During that week, Rohan starts a four day basketball camp. Just like the baseball camp, it ends when he's supposed to be starting his tennis session. We'll just have to see how my dad holds up to the pressure.

On top of all of this, Rohan has started going to Hit Repair for pitching and hitting instruction from Cory Baily and Bob Simpson. It's only once a week and so far he loves it. He's got a heck of a lot more confidence than I did as a child. As long as he likes what he's doing, we're all for it.

Allie will only have one more pom camp later in July, which will be an all day affair for one week. So in comparison, her summer load is pretty light. If only she were sixteen and had a license, she could be running some of the kids around. Ah, but day will come, and probably too soon.

Through all of this, Emily is starting up classes too, as well as still working crazy hours. I only pray that she continues to keep her sanity as I try to keep mine. I think we're going to live for the first two weeks in August, when neither of us have classes and the kids won't be doing anything. Maybe we can all go on a family getaway for one weekend.

Somewhere in all of that we need to fit in potty training, VBS, getting the house repaired, getting Elena back into violin lessons, and plain living. Hmm. It's all relative I guess. Next summer will be busier, I suppose, and the next even moreso, and so on. I do hope that I'm never too busy to stop and reflect on how blessed we are. It is all so very wonderful.

Bathtime: as Heard from My Bed

Elena: “Oh, Mom!”
Riddick: “Mim!”
Em: “What?”
Riddick: “Mim!”
Elena: “Oh, Mom!”
Em: “What honey!”
Elena: “Oh, I fordot to pee adin!”
Em: “Well, that’s okay…”
Riddick: “Mim!”
Em: “It looks like your brother did too…”
Riddick: “O’no!”
Elena: “OOOOO!”
Em: “Don’t worry about it”
Riddick: “Mim!”
Em: “What?”
Riddick: “I’ha!”
Elena: “Mom!”
Em: “What’s hot?”
Riddick: “I’ha!”
Em: “Yes, the water’s hot…”
Elena: “Mom!”
Em: “What honey?!”
Elena: “His butt!”
Riddick: “Mim!”
Em: “What?”
Riddick: “Poop tum out?”
Em: “Yes, that’s where your poop comes out but you don’t want to touch it, you just need to wash it.”
Riddick: “Poop tum out!”
Em: “Get your finger out of your butt!”
Elena: “Mom!”
Em: “Here…”
Elena: “Mom!”
Em: “What? Hey! Leave your pee-pee alone!”
Elena: “OOOOOO! He peed!”
Em: “He did not pee!”
Elena: “OOOOOO!”
Em: “He peed when he got in like you did!”
Riddick: “Boohoohoohoo!”
Em: “Hang on! You’re almost done!”
Elena: “Mom.”
Riddick: “BWAAAAAH!”
Em: “What?”
Elena: “Look!”
Em: “Uh, huh.”
Elena: “I did it myself!”
Em: “Mmm-hmm.”
Riddick: “Mim!!!”
Em: “What, honey?”
Riddick: “No-nut!”
Em: “Yes, that’s a donut.”
Riddick: “No-nut!”
Em: “Alright, you’re done. Come on, let’s go see your dad…Elena, please stop!”
Elena: “Am I all clean?”
Em: “No, you still have to wash your hair.”
Riddick:”H-d-d-d-d-d…”
Em: “Here….here’s your Dad.”
Riddick: “Dahdeee!”
Me: “Hi, Riddick!”
Riddick: “Aaahhssheeewwww!”
Me: “Thanks for sneezing on me Riddick.”
Riddick: “Dahdeeee!”
Me: “What Riddick?”
Riddick: “Dah boo boo?”
Me: “No, that’s my belly button.”
Elena: “Mom!”
Em: “What Elena?”
Elena: “I’m washing my pony’s hair.”
Riddick: “Dah boo boo?”
Me: “No honey, that’s my belly button.”
Riddick: “Oh. Dah baby?”
Me: “Ah, no.”
Riddick: “Dah baby!”
Me: “Ah, yes…that my booby.”
Elena: “Mom! I dot a red butt!”
Em: “No, you’re fine.”
Riddick: “Wobwobwobwobwob” (with a toy cup placed to his mouth)
Em: “Alright, that’s it”
Elena: “NOOOO!”
Riddick: “Wobwobwobwobwob”
Em: “Come on”
Elena: “NOOOO! I forgot to wash her hair!”
Em: “It’ll be fine.”
Elena: “No it won’t be fine!”
Em: “Come on.”
Elena: “No it won’t be fine!”
Em: “Do we yell like that?”
Elena: “AAAA!”
Em: “Come on.”
Elena: “AAAAA!”
Em: “Let’s go.”
Elena: “Mom.”
Em: “What?”
Elena: “I dot duh wahder in my mouth and I spit it out!”
Em: “Well, we don’t spit water on the floor.”
Elena: “But dat’s duh spit take!”
Em: “Well, we don’t do that.”
Elena: “But I, Tarly does it!”
Em: “Well, we don’t. Now let’s go to bed.”
Elena: “Rot an Roll!!!”

JOURNAL ENTRY 04/28/09 - Thirty-Five and Going to School

Sometimes I write things on my laptop when on occasion I don't have my journal with me. I just came across this tonight, as I was cleaning up some directories. It's pretty recent and meaningful to me personally, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it here.

I was at the point of utter exhaustion. I had not slept the night before and had only three hours from the night before that. My limbs did not feel as though they were my own. As I sat down just minutes before, a feeling of extreme sadness came over me. I thought, “I have been to this library dozens of times, but now it is ruined because I brought my children here just once. For now as I sit here alone, I realize that I do not hear my children’s laughter. In such a state I reluctantly opened my backpack to retrieve two binders that were returned to me about half an hour before by my instructor. One was my resource file, and the other was my book summaries. I slowly opened my resource file first, looking for a foreign article of paper that would show my grade to me. It was red, and on it was written the letter A. This came as a pleasant surprise. At least it would in some way counter the dismal grade I would receive for my book summaries. I then very carefully opened the second binder. Taped to the inside cover was the page with the genre matrix. On it was written the letter A in red ink in a red cloud. I missed two out of one hundred and sixty, which calculated to ninety-nine percent. My instructor wrote, “Well organized! You have created a great resource for your classroom! Your well written summaries & varied activities will make this a priceless tool in your class! =)” Attached was a red certificate with a squirrel smiling beside an apple which read, “The BIG RED APPLE DIPLOMA is presented to Derek Cook”, dated and signed. I began to shake with sobs starting to gestate deep within me. I covered my mouth to suppress any sound that might try to be birthed. I controlled myself and looked through the window on my left and out at the exterior window in the lobby, covered in millions of droplets of rain. It was such a wet day, and I was exhausted. I really missed my babies.

Riddick Has Shed the Penguin!

Today was a much better day for Riddick, praise the Lord! He is not on oxygen anymore and is doing very well for a two-year-old that has basically laid in the same position for over 36 hours. He ate a little more today than he did yesterday, but that really isn't saying much considering how little he ate. However, Emily is not worried about it, so I trust her judgement. Really, the only problem he had all day, or so it seemed during my watches, was that he constantly crimped his IV by accident. This would set off a beeping alarm that had to be reset by staff. This got old after a while, but other than the slight annoyance, it did him no harm. Finally, when Emily arrived this evening she redid the way it ran up his arm and fixed the problem. Elena got to spend the morning with him before we went to her pre-K to kindergarten celebration, and then she along with Allie and Rohan got to watch a movie with him this evening before we left. We didn't make a big deal out of goodbyes and just quietly left the room. I talked to Emily this evening, and she said that she had given him a bath, and he was happily playing with toys. She wanted to spend the night with him again, and I know that at the end of the day, it's the mommy that matters most. We're really optimistic that he will be able to come home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see him run around the house again.

I do want to thank everyone for all of the prayers, the visits, the well wishes, and gifts for Riddick. They have meant a lot to us, and you've made his stay away from home much more comfortable than you'll ever know. We love all of you, and God bless!

Riddick in the Hospital

I hated leaving Riddick tonight. Emily is with him, but he is still too young to understand why he has to stay there, and why his Daddy, brother and sisters left him. He hates having his oxygen mask on, so that is the real reason why he worked himself up into a crying fit. Then we had to leave, because I needed to get the other kids home to do homework and go to bed. That's when he started calling my name and reaching for me. I picked him up, and I guess he thought he was going to go with us, because he started to tug at his IV. Emily took him and sat back down on the bed. Then he started calling for Allie and Rohan. He was just screaming. It was heart-wrenching to leave. I hate it. It'll be my turn to stay tomorrow night if he has to stay another night. I pray that he doesn't and that he gets to come home. At least they have officially diagnosed this as an asthma attack, so he can start being treated. For the last year he has had these attacks almost every five to six weeks, and they either say that it's seasonal allergies or pneumonia. Now he'll begin to use a steroid inhaler to hopefully stave off these episodes. I just pray that he gets some sleep tonight and that his O2 levels return to normal.

The Storm

Things are finally getting back to normal around our house after dealing with the storm that was oddly tagged an inland hurricane, or derecho storm, depending on which side of the proverbial storm fence you're sitting on. There were gusts of wind with speeds of over 100 mph recorded, and the wind was sustained for well over half an hour. It's hard to find official reports, but those figures are conservatively based on what I've been reading online through blogs and local news agencies. In other words, a lot of wind for a long amount of time causing a lot of damage.

When the storm hit, Emily was at JALC, Rohan and Allie were at school, and I was home with Elena and Riddick. When the first part of the system came through, the storm sirens went off a couple of times, but like most storms that pass through, it's kind of like the boy who cried wolf. I think a lot of us that remember the tornado from '82 almost feel rather indifferent to storms in general, like we've been there and done that. So, after listening to some reports on W3D, and after the sirens ceased, I decided to put Riddick down for a nap. I also crashed for a short nap while Elena watched a movie. I awoke a short time later to the sounds of wind moreso than any sirens. Come to think of it, I have no recollection of any more sirens. All I could hear was wind. The door to our sleeper porch was open, and I could see the tops of all of the trees just flapping violently about like you see in hurricane video clips. Then I saw a very large branch fly through the air in perfect horizontal plane. That's when I new that things were definitely much worse than I had presumed. I quickly put on my sandals, and shouted for Elena to go the basement. She didn't really like the idea, because it was dark. I don't think it had registered with me yet that there was no power. I was still just aware of the sound of wind everywhere. Now mind you, I had no idea that this was a constant wave of wind. Around here the worst case scenario is a tornado, so that is what I thought was happening. I grabbed Riddick from his bed (which shocked the poor guy, because he was in a deep sleep), ran downstairs, and rushed the two kids down to the basement. I quickly opened up some lawn chairs for the kids to sit in and told them to sit tight while I ran back upstairs to get some stuff.

I knew that if things got really bad, as in our house being hit by a tornado, I wanted to be in pants and work boots and not shorts and sandals. For all I knew, I might have had to tear through wreckage to get my children out alive. I ran upstairs and stopped in the kitchen to look out of our breakfast nook windows just to see if I could see anything. I noticed that our neighbor's trellis had blown over across our sidewalk near our garage. I was just thinking about how that was a shame when our white vinyl fence panel exploded and disappeared. I didn't realize that I had just witnessed our neighbor Dale's tree coming down. I was certain that that was it --a tornado was upon us. I sprinted up the stairs, grabbed some jeans and my boots, and bolted back to the basement. I dropped the clothes to the floor, picked up my kids, sat down with them on my lap, and started praying out loud. I'm not for sure how much time passed before I decided to go check things out...probably about fifteen or twenty minutes, at least. Once again, I sat the kids in their chairs and then went upstairs to observe what might be seen. It wasn't long before I discovered that Dale's tree had fallen parallel with our house, blocking our back door. I also found that that our tree to the east had fallen against our neighbor Steve's house. I then ran up to my room to get a bird's eye view of what had happened, and like every idiot out there, I grabbed my camera. I filmed a very short video clip in which you can tell that my emotions were somewhat frazzled. Viewing it now, it seems a little cheesy, but at the time I wasn't much worried about how I sounded. I still didn't know what had just hit us, but I knew that we were still still alive, praise God. After my quick filming, I ran back to the basement and brought the kids up to the living room as things outside seemed to be settling down.

I guess pretty soon thereafter, since the windows were open I was aware that all of the neighbors had started to come out of their houses. I had been trying to call Emily and my parents, but the netword was dead. I went out front and got a good look at some of the damage down the street. There were trees down in almost every yard. Soon, Emily arrived with Allie and told me that I would have to walk to Washington School to get Rohan because there were trees and power lines down, preventing auto traffic from getting to the school. After I brought Rohan home I walked around outside for a bit taking pictures for insurance sake, not really knowing what would be needed. I found that that when Dale's tree came down, it blew through the vinyl fence, punched a hole in our roof above the sleeper porch, smashed some guttering, tore down our power service, smashed our vinyl patio fence, put some hurt on our gas grill, and busted through some lattice underneath our breakfast nook. Other than that, a window in Elena and Riddick's room broke, and some soffit and guttering came down. It all could have been much, much worse. After we got the kids settled down, I really wanted to get a way to the back door cleared, so with the cell network back up and running, I called my dad and asked him to bring over his chainsaw. While I waited for him to run the labyrinth of downed trees and closed streets, I was recruited to board up a second storey window of a neighbor who was out of town. After that job was finished, my dad had already gotten to our house, so I started in on the tree. Emily's dad showed up with a chainsaw as well and joined me in work. A little bit later, our neighbors, the Johnsons, came over and helped remove the refuse as we were cutting. Soon, we had the tree cut down to the main trunk which was across our sidewalk. What really saddens me is that it was a beautiful tulip tree, and we'll sorely miss it.

After the storm we were without power for six evenings. It was a test of mild inovations, but a healthy exercise in modern day domestic survival to be sure. Looking back, I'm rather ashamed at all of the modern conveniences that we find ourselves dependent upon, even if we're talking about hot water. For our part, we were fortunate that the gas grill was still operable, as the hood was just dented and cracked from the downed tree. We used it to cook all of our meals and to boil water on the side burner for baths. We used oil lanterns and candles for lighting at night. In the beginning, we iced most of our food down in a cooler, and also had some bags of ice thrown in the fridge and freezer for damage control. Later, after Dale's power came back on, we ran an extension cord from his house to the fridge. All in all, we lost about half of our food, so again it could have been a lot worse. Also, I had interent access through my cell phone. Our days and evenings with the kids were spent either cleaning the yard, or reading and playing board games. On that note, I will say that Rohan is the luckiest person I have ever played Monopoly against. For the record: It wasn't that much fun. I almost felt like B.B. Thorton playing the Kid in a game of checkers in Bad Santa. Also, the children lamented having to hand wash dishes, and course we felt no sympathy toward their plight. It was one of those character building moments that we parents are so fond of orchestrating. I'll admit that our patience was wearing thin by the time we finally had our power restored. We were one of the last in our neighborhood, because the rigid conduit had actually been ripped from the meter base. The power company had our line reconnected to the house the day after the storm, but it was several more days before the electrician could repair the damage on our end. Then we had to wait for the power company to come back and make the connection. I think it was the most annoying when we were still using oil lamps while the neighbors across the alley were throwing a party with loud music.

It's been a lot of work, but we were very blessed that our house was spared any major damage. I went down to New Orleans with a group from our church to help a family rebuild their home after Katrina, so I've witnessed catastrophic storm damage, and ours didn't even come close. Yet, there are some in southern Illinois that did lose their homes. My dad told me a story tonight of driving past the remains of a house trailer, seeing a guy sitting in a chair in what remained of his living room, surrounded by his possessions, just staring at the floor. So yeah, we were very blessed and fortunate. I took cold showers, ate a lot of hot dogs, burgers, and brats, suffered through pummelings from Rohan the Monopoly tycoon, got a wretched sore back from hauling tree refuse to the street, and got a ton of sleep. It wasn't much different than camping. Very, very, very fortunate indeed.

Our pwr bills would be a lot less if we went dark ages more often. Food can hold in the fridge 4 48 hrs; evry othr day hit the main beaker & pwr bill cut n hlf.

I was in the kitchen digging around for ice in the cooler when Elena joined me and said, "We can't see the ice cubes because of the darkness, right daddy?"

The rain is definitely coming down hard outside. We have our door open to the sleeper porch which makes it all the more enjoyable. I love weather like this at night. However, our tropical rain forest out back doesn't need any more encouragement. It's already going to be a nightmare trying to mow it.

On another note, my last final exam was today. It was just early world civ, so it was all short essay stuff about the roll of religion in early empires as means of control of society and its impact on cultural diffusion. I also finished tweaking my el ed gateway portfolio on LiveText tonight. I'm not really for sure about term deadlines for the artifacts, but I thought I might as well spruce it up before the week was out.

I'm just thrilled that I have the next four weeks off to get our house back in order. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to get as far as paint the breakfast nook and touch up battle scars around the rest of the house where mayhem has left its mark. We've also got soffit falling down in a couple of areas and birds have alread moved in. I'm going to have to do some evicting.

Speak of which --Joe's uncle, who is in charge of Joe's grandmother's house, had sent word via Joe's mom that we had to move our stuff out of the basement. No good reason really. There was a pending sale that fell though, due to failed home inspection, so Joe thinks that he is just venting his frustrations out on us. Thus ends our run at possibly the nicest rehearsal space that we've been privey to. We knew it would only be a matter of time, but it couldn't have come at a more inconvenient time. I had cancelled all practices for the last several weeks, since the end of the semester proved to be quite heavy in its work load, so we were looking forward to getting some quality session time in during this four week intersession. And now we're dead in the water. It's just one of those things that will eventually work itself out. A solution always presents itself --it's just that last time it took almost four years.

Wow it's really raining hard outside.

I'm going to go to bed.

Elena, Baby Slimers, and Sliders

So I was walking through the kitchen to the breakfast nook with some freshly nuked White Castle burgers. I know that sounds extremely healthy and appetizing, but they're the first I've bought at the super market in almost two years --guilty pleasure, and since I know how nasty they are for my consitution and overall well-being, I'm very much aware when I bought them last. Anyway, Elena came walking along with Rohan's "The Big Book of Reptiles" with the dust jacket dragging, as I swear the book is almost as big as she is.

She said, "Daddy, there are some baby ones in here and they are soooo cute!"

"Baby what?" I asked.

"These lizaaaards in heeeere! Duh?!" she replied as she rolled her eyes at me.

I picked up the book as I sat my White Castles on the table. I looked at the picture and it looked like an earthworm with a little head and two small appendages protruding from the neck area...that is, if it had a neck area.

"This thing?" I asked. "That's disgusting!"

"No it's not! It's just a baby and it's super cute!"

I looked at her and wondered what type of "-ologist" worked with amphibians, because they needed to petition my four-year-old to join their ranks. Imagine the grant money they could procure with her charm?

She pulled the book away from me and held it sideways, like a navy crewman admiring a new pin-up during The Big One, and squealed, "You are so, so cute!!!" Then she gave me a sidelong look, glanced over at my three-hundred calorie gut bombs and said, "We need that one thing that Rohan likes on t.v. to make sliders."

"The what?" I asked, because even though I do my best to decipher everything that comes out of my children's mouths, I am sometimes outmatched by their superior cultural lexicon.

"The sliders, Dad!"

"You mean this sandwich?"

"No! The pan!"

"Oh. Oh yeaaah! The thing that makes, umm...sliders. Sure, I get it. Yeah. I mean, no. No, we don't need that."

Elena rolled her eyes again, shook her head, smiled once more at the mini-God Emperor of Dune, and walked out of the room. I sat for a second in her wake, then whistled for Max. His promptness was rewarded with White Castles. Then I ate some Yoplait --Blackberry Pomegranate to be exact.

Rather insignificant day.

Went to my niece's birthday party. It was nice to see some of Em's family and some friends, since we really don't get out much. Someone blew up a lot of balloons for the kids to beat each other with. That got kind of loud. VH1 Classic was playing a one hit wonders show. Midnight Oil a one hit wonder? I didn't really agree with that one.

Riddick's allergies are getting the best of him. His eyes are always so swollen, and he coughs incessantly. I'm amazed he didn't lurch all over the place during dinner tonight.

Grocery shopped, so I'm stocked up on yogurt once again. I was starting to run low, so panic was soon to set in. :0

Allie made the jr. high pom-pon squad. She found out on Thursday night. She's still on cloud 9 and has been stretching and dancing around to music in her head ever since. We're so happy for her. I don't know how she would have dealt with another rejection.

I can hear Emily watching L&O: CI.

Working on some shows for the late summer and early fall. Even some acoustic ones coming up. We need to get the rehearsal space situation squared away, so we can start working again.

Finals week is here. Once they're out of the way, and hopefully if it dries up (someday) I'm going to get back to skating. It's been several weeks. The workload at the end of this semester has been grueling. I think I did three all-nighters, and a great many nights where I only got a couple of hours of sleep. I'm really not built for that at 35.

Darn that VH1. I can't get "Come on Eileen" out of my head.

I'm going to start transferring my MySpace blogs from the past couple of years just for the hey of it. Dinner is almost ready, the kids are going crazy with the dogs, so I'm not getting much work done anyway.

I haven't blogged in years, but I thought I'd start it back up. I actually keep a journal, mainly because I think there is still something to be said about a person's handwriting. So within the binding of my journals will always be words that only my children will read someday after I'm gone. For the rest of the world there is this.

So tonight, or rather last night, as it is now after one in the morning. Elena is spending the night with her cousin Sydney. It is the first time she has ever been away from Riddick, and he was not very happy about. The poor little guy was still asking about "Nonni" when he went to bed, as they sleep in bunk beds together. Like most every night, he'll come into our room around three, so I guess I need to get to bed so I get some sleep without little feet kicking me.