El & Eddie: Bumpy

Me to kids, "Kids, we've ended up with a really busy Saturday!"
Ro, "At least we have it all planned out."
Me, "That we do."
Riddick, "I have a really bumpy Saturday."
Me, "Why?"
Riddick, " 'Cause I have mosquito bites all over me!"

Day 14,270 - Worthy of Note

I don't journal often, or rather not often enough. Blogging at any length at all on my phone can be quite tedious, so one might understand my infrequent posts. However, this past day was one so satisfying, I have to make note of it before I go to bed if only to look back at this post at a later date as I do others and smile. So quickly, in just a bulleted fashion:

• Awoke early and worked on my neighbor's roof for my landlord. Very near completion!
• Squeezed in a 20 min bi/tri workout.
• Caught up with several friends through texts and chatted with a new friend as well.
• Met one of my best friends for lunch at the student center and got to talk to her for almost an hour and a half, which we never do.
• Got a call from a superintendent confirming that I start observing Thursday in a class to cover a maternity leave thru October.
• Ran four miles on campus in amazing sunshine.
• Talked with another good friend for a while on drive back to Marion.
• Spoke with Rohan on my way to work which alone made my day.
• Had a great night at work, working an awesome party of fourteen who had a great time.
• Hung out with a great couple at John Brown's after work, and accepted the challenge to help this good friend lose at least 35 pounds before New Years. Totally up for it!
• Came home, and played guitar :)

And now only one more day until my four days with my babes! Loving life!

Galaxies

We used
To fly together
Over
City hall
Parks
Houses
Shopping malls
We used
To cry together
For everything
Laughter
The site of rain
The here after
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

We used
To drive together
Through mission walls
Deserts
Barricades
Fences
Even over falls
We used
To hold each other
Till the end of it
The end of such
The end of time
The end of much
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

"Is this all I do?"

Since my divorce two and a half years ago, I've lost my heart to a lesser or greater degree to several women.  If I were to list the number, I would be judged one way or the other by most, because that's what most do whether they're aware of it or not.  I have given of myself over and over and have been rebuffed and rejected.  Who shall doubt the free will of a person's heart?  My problem is that I love fiercely, and I realize that I will probably never find someone who is strong enough to reciprocate.

However, what I've come to realize is that I have been neglecting an important group of people in my search for personal happiness: those whom I've affected through my music in the past twenty-two years.  I am constantly made aware of this by people reaching out and telling me what impact I've made on their lives.  Most recently, I was caught off guard by an acquaintance as he offered up such uplifting support of my music that it almost brought me to tears.  More so, because we had just tangled in bravado over drinks at my favorite downtown pub.  Here was this larger than life Harley guy, that I deeply respect, for I was well aware of his own personal search for companionship, and how most recently he had been rejected by a person that he had loved unconditionally for many years. And here he was, out of nowhere, fervently earnest in his address to me, and I was literally without words as he expressed what my musical efforts meant to him personally.  To him it wasn't as much the content of my music, but the fact that I was doing it and my efforts had always been a constant foothold for him in everyday life.  And therein was the point that he kept returning to: a constant.  In our small circles, I had always been the guy who played music, no matter what anyone thought of me.  I had persevered in his eyes.  His concern was that I might someday stop doing it, and that I mustn't ever stop, because so many people rely on what I'm doing.

I am too often ignorant and believe that no one is listening, even though I can easily see that people are purchasing our music every day.  I get lost in self-pity...I'm weak in that regard, and extremely so, I do admit.  In some ways, it's like electing to be a martyr, and that's not an easy path.  It's a lonely path that I unknowingly ventured down many years ago, and regardless if I stray, my shadow still remains on that path, and the path itself still remains in my peripheral; I will never be rid of it and it will never be rid of me, even after I'm gone.

At this moment, I've decided to commit to the path for a good stretch and forgo my silly pursuits of the heart.  I'll be content with my daily back and forths with a Neverland friend of mind and focus on my work once more.  I feel it's what I should do --I owe it to so many, whom have shown me much love.  The music is always there in my head...I cannot escape it.  I only choose to ignore it sometimes.  I apologize for that.  It'll happen again, you can be sure.  In the end, I'm only human.

"No one knows you till it's over..." ~Jonsi

Much love,
Derek

Wanna race?

Last month I walked into the office at the Hideout before my shift, and Dustin who was sitting at the desk said, "Hey, you're running this race with me." He then showed a YouTube video to me of the Spartan Race. I was hesitant at first, because I've never really ran, but then thought, "Why not?" I've been extremely consistent in my workout regiment since last May, and have felt that I needed to work toward greater goals. I knew that my friend Josh had ran the Warrior Dash last year, and I have a great number of friends who run other races, from 5Ks to marathons. So, I bought some Asics, mapped out a greater workout schedule, and have several races for which I'm preparing. The Spartan Race http://www.spartanrace.com is coming up in 15 days --4 mi with 15 obstacles outside of Indy. Dustin and I will be running with Josh Benson and Brice Lazaro. Then I may be joining my friend Amy for the Muddy Buddy http://muddybuddy.com/ --3-4.5 mi with 10 obstacles in Nashville. I would like to do the Warrior Dash http://warriordash.com but I'm undecided as to which location/date would work best for my schedule. I'm supposed to do the Run for Your Lives http://runforyourlives.com in St. Louis with my friend Phil on Aug 8 --5K with 12 obstacles and zombies. Finally, the ultimate goal is to run the Tough Mudder http://toughmudder.com/ in Missouri in October --12 mi with 25 obstacles. My good friend Kevin is running it next month. I can't wait to hear how it goes. Dustin is running it with me and our friend Agustin has committed to it as well. I'm flippin stoked. If anyone else wants to join us in any of these, or has another race you think that I'd be interested in, let me know.

Saving Whispers

I loved
Your aggression
In Switzerland
You pulled me
Into our room
And out on the balcony
Laughing free
Making me
Look at the sky
So clear to see
Other worlds that don't
Know our lives
That don't know who we are
What we're supposed to do
How we're supposed to behave
How we're supposed to love
All the suffering for sake
Of appearances
And opinions
The buried hearts break
We're learning our lessons
How in the hell
Did we both get here?
How do we even
Know each other?
How did we
Start to care?
Now we're flying through Europe
Saving whispers
Bow-wrapping dares
Ahahahaha!
Margaritaaaaas!
And laughs and I
Stare and in one
Moment I get lost
Yeah sure I try
To break free but
My God it's Switzerland
This is all about you
This time that I have you
We create virtue
Under willows
Over icebergs
World smashing
And tightropes it's
All that I want
It's all that I want
It's all that I want
To stay right here
Right here in Switzerland
I want to stay
Right here
With you

Rohan

Seriously...I've never been a huge fan of myself, and for my son, this person...this human being that did not exist when I was fighting for an identity as an adolescent, to have ridden his bike to my house with his cool Tony Hawk helmet on that i bought for him three years ago... it is one of the single most monumental events that has ever affected me. THAT is what I mean by "bursting." I can't contain what is inside of me. I love them so, so much.

Day 14,107

Conclusion: One person always loves; One person always leaves.

El & Eddie: Radical

A preview on a dvd said the word radical...
Riddick: Elena, do you know what radical means?
El: Yup. It's means awesome.
Riddick: Mmm-hmm.

Sentenced

Baffled
Again ignorant
Foolish to be sure
Ever and ever
Open and...
Defenseless
How
Much
More
Before there is
Nothing left
Hollowed
And empty
But...
Such is the
Blindness
Onset by
That stupid
Word
The word that
I fear to use
As its utterance
Is like the
Whispered admission
Of some
Heinous act
Some atrocity
I'm immediately
Cast in chains
Awaiting
The executioner
One swing
And it is
No more
But damn it all!
What else is there?
What more
Should I want?
It's what I feel
It's pure
It's passionate
It is
Real!
And yet...
Yet...
Motives distrusted
Deeds suspected
Because...
Because why?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
...
I cannot answer
I only know
The feelings that
Are ripping
My
Chest
Apart
And before the
Stroke should fall
I would hope
As you stare
At me kneeling
On the platform
You would see
Me
Whisper
"I..."

6thers

Shiver scream blink tick lock
Shuffle
Muffle
Etched crack fading tiles
Echo empathy
Grin giggle apathy
Refresh
Smile stretch
All the um ever and
Whateverishness
Scribble shhh! fold note throw
Rebound
Turn around
Dart oh so sly quick eyes
Bell! Out of jail...free!

Among the mobile

I blew my back out Tuesday and spent the next four days in bed. Of all things, I was doing an ab circuit. I realize now though that the leg lifts had weakened my lower lumbar region. Whenever I do them it's gets my lower back burning, which of course is exciting. However, this particular time, when I moved on to burpees, (and I think this was second round) halfway through the set I felt a sudden smoosh in my back when I exploded from the squatting position. I knew immediately what had happened. I managed to ignore the increasing pain level when J and I went to dinner that night, but after I retired for the evening I wasn't able to make it out of bed again unaided. My dad and Rohan were absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal. I was very lucky to have the kids both Wednesday and Thursday evenings, as Rohan was always quick to offer help. The kid is quickly becoming an admirable young man. Also, I can't thank my dad enough for bringing me three meals a day. I'm also very grateful to my GM at The Hideout for being understanding and giving me time off, even when I was one of only two bartenders available for the busy weekend. So, today was the first day that I was able to walk. I was finally able to shower, and I did some small chores around the house. I'm still going to take it slow and easy the next couple of days; not taking any teaching assignments till Wednesday, and I'm not scheduled to return to The Hideout until Friday. I'm just happy and thankful to be among the mobile again.

Cast and All

Over a hundred years ago I would be the guy who would dutifully help a lady into a carriage. It's second nature. So, Without pause I would open the door of my vehicle for a girl --and in this case said girl has a broken wrist, and said vehicle is my father's big hondo truck, filling in for my crippled bimmer. However, as this guy right here is rounding the truck with a smile of content on his mug, the driver's side door flings open with the loveliest site lunged across the console, supporting herself on her cast, laughing with an outstretched arm. That goes down in the book of über cool.

El & Eddie: Birds

Riddick: Look at all those birds! There's like 3000 or something!!
El: Ya, they're going north.
R: Yup, they're going to our house. Our house is north.
El: Well, actually there is a different part of north where it's warmer. That's where they're going.
Me: Well, you're kind of right. They are going somewhere warmer, but it's the opposite of north. They're going south.
R: Yup, our house is south.

The story with no ending...

I had the most delightful and heartwarming evening last night. I got to spend time with two of my dearest friends, Tony and Jodie. It makes me so happy to have learned that I somehow played such a crucial role in their paths crossing at the right time. It's crushing, actually...to consider all that such a sentiment implies...and it almost brings me to tears. In fact, they did as much in their telling of their tale last night. I have loved much in my travels in this life, and always with all of my heart...why any less? I have worked, sacrificed, and created...all in vain...just to attain and retain the affections of another. My life's silly plight...and I am at this moment smiling and quietly laughing to myself...because...here I am, at this frustratingly familiar junction: the crux of enlightenment and consternation. Full and empty...a seemingly perpetual journey through every possible emotion in the spectrum of the human experience all for the sake of belonging. To be lighthearted about it, I could have done without most, if not all of the heartache --and maybe even at the cost of what it has produced in my life's work of art. I am the eternal optimist though --I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that in my own life I will chance upon a person that is truly my unique counterpart. Until that time comes though, my heart is made well knowing people like Tony and Jodie, and I wish them all the happiness that is possible in this beautiful life.

El & Eddie: Dimensions

Rddk: Elena let's go to the dinosaur dimension!
El: Riddick, where did u hear the word dimension?
Rddk: idk, I just figured it out with my brain.

Not Quite 2am

Not quite a dizzy perch
The usual stumble
Effortless harrang around
The wonder of the heavens
Staring at the stars
But one of a sort
Of different pauses
A pause and capture
A moment of clear
Vision and rapturous
Chest swells when the
Wind is so strong it
Sucks out my
Every breath and
And I gasp --
Inhale and gasp --
It tears up my eyes
They well but strive to
Take it all in
Capturing what you
Were like --all of you
Sure...just a smile
Golden tresses
Laughter and joy
You were there!
In front of me!
I was in a state of shock
The entire night
A smile so exuberant
Suppressing such suppression
That I could cry
A thousand hours of
Lament just for you
Because what else?
What else can I do?
Never to see you...
Never to see you...
So yeah...
What else can I do?
I...
Listen.
I
Listen.
And the days go by...
And the friendship grows...
And if I am able
To touch your hand
Before my time expires
I will have lived...
A full life.

Lines from Robert E. Howard

Drums of glory are lost in the ages,
Bare feet fail on a broken trail. --
Let my name fade from the printed pages;
Dreams and visions are growing pale.
Twilight gathers and none can save me,
Well and well, for I would not stay:

What of the world that I leave forever?
Phantom forms in a fading sight --
Carry me out on the Ebon River --
Into the night.

El & Eddie: You Are Invited!

Elena: Dad! I have an invitation to go to a birthday party!
Me: Really! Where is it?
Elena: I don't know! It's in cursive!

My November Address

So it's a new month, and I feel it's a new season --look at the trees! Feel the weather changing! For me, it's a time to reset...a time to steer back onto a previous set course. A time to also remind those who are just idle observers of who I am: a father, first and foremost, and a friend, second only to the former. As such, expect to see or hear me comment in the social arena words of kindness and love. Too many people go an entire day without a single person going out of their way to lift them up. Shame on us all for being lazy when our friends need us. Also, shame on those who want to read something into such attempts of kindness as something that they are not. Leave that to trash tv. Don't litter our world with it. We're a family and there is no room here for ugly thoughts. Take no offense to these statements. I speak as one painting the broadest stroke on a canvas, one for all to see and notice. Something that is evident and cannot be denied. But also know this: my children are the most important thing in my life. I juggle my personal life as best I can, but I will most absolutely temporarily and good-naturedly ignore communications with my friends when I am busy with my children. I feel as though I am stating the obvious, but I do so poignantly. I believe some of my friends just need this gentle reminder of who I am and what tops my list of priorities. I love you all. Peace.