El & Eddie: Bad Mermaids

Elena loves to interact with movies, similar to how audiences do with The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They're currently watching the latest Pirates movie, and the mermaid scene came on. So, of course, Elena conjured up imaginary mermaids wreaking havoc throughout the living room. Riddick is usually in disagreement with the current game afoot, as he is usually the "victim", so he abruptly declared, "No, Elena! All bad mermaids live in Kentucky!!!"

On my mind...

Cloud of star mist, Whirling reflecting, Dream wisp sun kiss --Shape of you. Beauty so timeless, Skin shine infinite, Heart pressed zenith, --Missing you. ... ... ... ... Running from emptiness, Grasping reflecting, Memories of every kiss, --Fading like you. Beauty so timeless, My loss infinite, Heart torn and rent ...I am... ...missing you.

If I were to make a wish and have things work out just one way just once in my entire life I would wish...

9:30 on a Saturday Night

Sitting at old
Varnished planks
On a bar stool
With a Fat Tire
Eddie Rabbit is
Driving his life away
I'm considering
A sunny day
And I know
It will always
Happen
Here and there
When I least
Expect it
All just like
This tumultuous
Weather
Normalcy?
Should I hope?
Well...
It doesn't hurt
To hope...
Normalcy would
Suit me fine
But I'm okay
Regardless
Always the
Perpetual optimist...
And now...
I've been displaced
By arm wrestling
I was asked
If I would move
For use of
My corner
And those
Around me
Are talking legalities
Screams of
"Over the top!"
Really?
And now I
Return to reflecting
Waiting for the
PA to arrive
While Merle plays
And I think of...
Her.

Blades

Hey, hey, hey, can I say? Can I say that it wasn't such a bad day? Really. I should be sleeping...as usual. Listening to the Black Keys. Thinking about...that one time...listening to the same album...before the last time. Yeah, those amazing brown eyes. Yeah, thinking about that time.

Please Forgive Me (David Gray)

"Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not
What I do
It feels like lightning
Running through my veins
Every time
I look at you
Every time
I look at you"
~David Gray

IT IS.

Being a dad to four extremely unique and wonderful children.
Being a teacher in a second grade classroom full of such beautifully diverse students.
Being a friend to so many amazing people and hoping that my heart's output is sufficient enough to earn their love and respect.
Being a server at an incredibly great steak house.
Being some bloke who is organizing a 20 year high school class reunion.
Being a front man in a band that is about to release a killer album.
Being a builder that gets to swing a hammer again this summer after school is out.
Being a part of southern Illinois.
Being a citizen.
Being rooted.
Being...
Me.

Blades

Beautiful blades
Of brown hair
Swept over brown
Eyes
Spin it as though
Just sometimes
But I'll be honest it's all the time
That I think of you
The coolest grace
In the way you move
I fall over myself
When you change your shoes
I hate knowing now
That I am
Forever
Away from you

So I'll draw
Your face
In the light
That I see you
And think of
The place
Where I last
Kissed you
Slow
dancing
Beside
Your Christmas tree
Your eyes
Your smile
All of it
Happened

Crack
In your favorite wine glass
Never stopped us
From enjoying our favorite white
Snow
On the television
Never stopped us
From laughing all night
Sitting on your
Garage stairs
Sweeping through
Beautiful blades of brown hair
Chilled to the bone
Huddled at home
A dizzy black softly
Swallowed us whole

So I'll draw
Your face
In the light
That I see you
And think of
The place
Where I last
Kissed you
Slow
dancing
Beside
Your Christmas tree
Your eyes
Your smile
All of it
Happened

Your Name

Caught on the edge
Frayed as it might
Just be as it may
The off random sight
Trip on your stare
Caught up in your eyes
All talk is too brief
Too long sleepless nights
Toss and then turn
A make believe whirl
I sing and I miss
World spinning unfurled
It's all stupid nothing
Better sense says to shame
But I know I'll sleep better
Just savoring your name

A Day in My Life: Post 201

I rise in the morning.
First up.
I have been awakened by a secretary calling me to work.
I love this one's voice.
A voice softer than my grandmother's who died many years ago.
I have to tell her no, since I'm already subbing.
I wonder if my alarm has already gone off.
It has.
I take my shirt to be pressed down to the laundry room.
Already a song is hitting me.
My head has natural reverb.
Great Hall.
I make a protein shake as the iron is warming and the coffee is brewing.
I go take my shower and shave.
I try to wake my babies, one by one.
My daughter cries that she won't get up.
I hold her till she says she's ready to brush out her hair.
My oldest son says he showered last night.
His little brother only wants to curl up in my arms.
Knotted hair and tears from the bathroom.
I do my best to help.
My best is usually good enough.
It all works out...

I drop my kids off at their house.
I wish I had time to actually take them to school.
Not today.
I have to go by the mechanic's and drop of my keys.
My car is being towed there today.
I can only hope that it isn't a huge repair.
I make it to school with time to spare.
The secretary has my paperwork ready for me to sign as usual.
Secretaries probably don't get paid enough for their excellence.
I find that I have many, many copies to make.
No matter.
It's all a part of the job, and I'm glad to be part of it all.
Everything is in order when the first of my first graders hit the class.
Here we go.
It all works out...

I ask if they usually say the Pledge of Allegiance.
No.
They usually do not.
Okay.
Well, we're going to do it anyway.
I'm sure someone died today in a foreign land for that flag.
We can take one minute and say the Pledge.
The subjects come and go.
Nothing troubling.
Lots of tattling.
Nothing troubling.
I can't find blank transparencies.
I use chalk on the blackboard.
Old School.
I smile and laugh to myself.
I send and receive texts in my free time.
Messages to and from friends that I love.
Love that is old and deep.
Friends that are old that hold love for me that steeps.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I love it all.
It all works out...

I am the stalwart sentry in the hall.
Mr. Cook with the soft heart but stern stare.
I know I am loved.
Still, I am there to provide structure.
I usher mine into the gym.
They are there to see weird animals.
I am there to see that they sit criss-cross applesauce, hips and lips.
Shhhh!
Bottom on the floor!
Under my breath and under my brow, all of it.
I get to pet the animals.
Ooos and ahhhs, giggles and pointed fingers.
I have always known how to play the part.
It's for the good of the pack.
But it warms my heart.
You must always find something to warm your heart.
Your heart has every chance to die.
You must never let that happen.
It all works out...

I run here and there, errands for the sake of errands.
I drive back home to pack up my children's clothes.
Their world in a bag, my heart in their every look.
I deliver and hug them all.
My oldest son jumps in our borrowed van.
We go to his weekly baseball coaching.
He loves it, loves it, loves it.
I love him, so I love it too.
I talk with one of my best friends about love and life.
It's our weekly pep talk to each other.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I find out my car repair will cost $600.
Not the news I wanted to hear.
It could be worse.
And encouragement never gets old.
It all works out...

I take my boyo to the restaurant where I work at night.
It's our usual Monday haunt.
He knows most of the staff.
He knows I consider them all family.
He's quite the gentleman too.
I am so proud of him.
He is me, if I was cool.
He is my hero.

In almost seven years he'll be the one old enough to die on foreign soil.

Time will fly too fast.
He orders a steak.
He turns eleven this summer.
I smile and laugh with him.
I have to talk to him about his grades.
His report card was not good.
I tell him I have to ground him from his video games.
I hate it.
I know they keep him safe and give him comfort.
I know they are his escape from a world that crashed around him almost two years ago.
I know he did not ask for it.
So, I hate doing this to him.
But I do it with a tender smile and with as much explanation as a ten year old will buy.

He's okay with it.
It all works out...

I take him home.
His house is upside down.
His younger siblings drag out too many toys.
The upstairs ends up downstairs.
It all ends up being chewed up by the dogs.
It's a little much for their mother.
My oldest daughter is escaping it all in the dining room.
She sits doing homework with headphones on.
I remember doing the same thing at my house.
There weren't any animals at my house.
My son has lost his iPod.
He swears it fell in the couch.
His mother starts to come unglued.
She marches upstairs.
I flip the couch over and carefully slit the lining underneath.
I reach in and find it.

The younger children start pulling out treasures from where the couch was.

Treasures amongst dust bunnies from hell.
I gently hand the iPod to my son.
She returns.
He gently hands it over to us.
At first she doesn't understand his gesture.
I explain that he is surrendering it, because he is grounded.
She turns to a vacuum cleaner and starts to unwind the cord.
I know she was doing homework when I came in.

I know she is bothered by the revealed mess under the couch.

I tell her that cleaning can wait.

I tell her I know she has work to do.

I hug her.

She begins to sob.
I tell her that she'll make it.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I know school is hard, and she's almost done.
It's affecting them all.
I can only do what I can do.
It's not my home.
It will all work out...

I go to my favorite local bar.
Just like the television show, they all know my name.
I have a drink.
There is a great live DVD being played.
The proprietor tells me that our side project will soon be under way.
He is having a bass built for me to play.
No doubt that it will be interesting.
Extremely fun, but interesting.

We've spent many evenings discussing music over a dark brew or two.

Or three.

Or four.

Closing time comes and goes, and those discussions never grow old.

But that's what two busted up music vets do.

It really does come to this.

At the present, he has to throw two people out of the bar.
I begin conversing with a wonderful person by text.
I post on facebook.
A world outside of my world where I talk about my world.
I think I would have benefited from such an outlet as an adolescent.
Police officers enter the bar.
They have received a call that patrons were just asked to leave by gunpoint.
Another patron flexes and asks if they were referring to his guns.
I laugh again.
I continue my text conversation.
I buy another drink.
I know I won't finish it.
I just don't feel like it.
Not tonight.
The day has been a strange one.
I want to go home.
I want to write.
I go out to the van.
I get inside and start playing Counting Crows on my phone.
I text my friend and tell her.
She says she loves Counting Crows.
I smile.
I laugh.
I love this life.
"I'm under the gun, round here..."
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
It all works out...
Sometimes I just need a little while to figure out how to work it out.

Of Whom I Dream

I revel
In dreams
For which
I suffer
They supplement
Real life
But a hollow
Replacement for
The warmest
Softest
Deepest
Kiss from
The One
Who molded
My heart
Who hurt me
The most
Who inspired me
All the more
My muse
Of a lifetime
Who has loved me
Longer
Than most have
Been alive
But never again
Shall we ever
Feel the free
Wind that
Blew through
Her window
When we were
Both kids
When we thought
That life was
So simple
When cassettes
Captured promises
And daybeds
Captured lovers
It was golden
Seemed endless
But on the horizon
Crept slowly
The beginning
Of the rest
Of my life
A life that
Would refuse
Every time
Throughout the years
The possibility
That the two
Most deserving
Passionate and
Enduring
Soul mates should
Ever and anon
Be together and then
Scoff at our
Memories
Try to thwart
Simple little things
That bring such
Small joys
Such is the
Spite of life
And as such
I spit in the
Face of it
For I will not
Be robbed of
Happiness
Hopefulness
And love
For I know!
Yes, I know!
I have been told
By those
Beautiful lips
That no matter
Where I go
No matter
What I do
That I am loved
Forever
I am loved
By Her
I am loved
By Her
I am loved
By Her
Of whom
I dream

Being pwned by Elena

Elena watching Max and Ruby: "Daddy, I think the name Sally-Swims-a-Lot is a funny name."
Me: "How about Sally-Poops-a-Lot?"
Elena: "How about Daddy-Idiot-a-Lot?"

Excerpt: "Simple Something Sweet"

Follow me or
I'll Follow you
Back to where ends meet
Back where I met you
Simple something sweet
Simple something new
Someday mayhap I'll be there
Another crossed path with you

Untitled, Continued...

Hours spent
Pages rent
Trying to piece
Together the words that just don't
Seem to be
Anything that would
Ever move you
Closer to
Me
I've never ever felt
So far
Beneath
The place of another
That I cared for
With whom I wanted
To be

Untitled, To Be Continued...

I know
She doesn't know
That I believe
That she could be
The absolute
The most incredible
Beautiful
Woman that I have
Ever known
Forever raise her up
Never praise her enough
For everything
Carve her name
In stone
As the all time
Love of my life
But she doesn't know
Oh Lord!
Just let...
Just let
That change...

Cruces, 20 years ago this month...

20 years ago, Danny Wilson and I, along with Chris Fouke, had the pleasure of writing a great many songs with Matt Arms in his upstairs bedroom. Fouke, Wilson, and I had been collaborating since the previous October, but had finally found the right drummer for our band with Matt. It was also in January 1991 that we named our band. Chris came to a rehearsal with several Latin words that he thought might work. We took a vote, and the name "Cruces" was chosen 3 to 1; I was the only opposed. How funny is that? In February we recorded a cassette for our friends by playing live to a boom box recorder. It was our first effort, and we gave away as many as we could afford. Now, twenty years later, my latest effort with my mates in Through Dint of Heavy Wishing is slightly more involved, but no more or less passionate. Cruces in '91 wanted to take over the world, and we had a lot of fun talking about it. We tried for twelve years, with many faces coming and going in the band, and with many stories to tell. Many of my friends from back then still support my musical endeavors, and you mean the world to me. You share in those put-aside, distant dreams of long ago, and I promise that I'll never stop writing music for all of us.

"Make your lives extraordinary!"

Tonight I'm going to do my best to organize and file away papers that have littered my room and the loft for the last several weeks. The need for them has expired as my professional semester is finally over. I had considered retelling the sordid tale about how I was told two weeks ago that I would not be graduating, because I was three credit hours short of fulfilling my mathematics concentration hours. However, even the retelling would be too exhausting. Needless to say, I passed a proficiency test in statistics to acquire the necessary hours to graduate. It was not without many a sleepless night this past week, studying whenever I could, only to believe that I had failed the test this past Tuesday morning. Yes, I did indeed pass, but there is no way that it was pretty --I am still very upset at what I feel was a dismal performance of my display of content knowledge. However, withstanding my feelings about it all, the grade posted, and I will be graduating this Saturday. It's still amazing for me to consider that passing my Teacher Education Program Portfolio Capstone was not the greatest stress of this past week.

My time spent pursuing my degree has not been without trials and pains. I began in January 2008 at John A. Logan College, getting my Associates within a year, so I could begin the TEP at SIUC the following January. I pulled many all-nighters while at SIU, because I believed in what I was doing...I wanted desperately to absorb what I could from my instructors and the coursework to supplement what I considered to be my natural teaching tendencies. However, my personal life took an exceptional turn that nearly caused me to quit a year ago. Even those closest to me advised me to take time off. I couldn't do it...I felt such a sense of immediacy, I had to stay the course. In retrospect, I have no regrets, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. --and if the friends that I made along the way were the only things gained in all of this, then I would consider this journey extremely well worth it.

I don't really know how to explain the whole tale to my children. I began many years ago out of high school, choosing to follow my dream of being a professional musician after my dream of being a graphic designer seemed out of the question. I worked many jobs while playing music, and then settled into what I knew best: carpentry. It's what I had indirectly been raised to do by my father, which is ironic considering that he was a high school teacher for almost thirty years. I had never considered going to college, as I had worked so hard to be a craftsman over many years, excelling in my trade as a home builder. It's funny to reflect on that now as I wait tables at a steak house to achieve this end of becoming a teacher. Yet, if I hadn't made the decisions that I did, no matter how crazy they were, I would have never gained what I value the most in this silly life, my four beautiful children. So, I believe that I would tell my children to not second guess what their hearts are telling them to do, no matter what the short-term outcome may seem to be.

I guess in signing off, I would like to thank all of my close friends and family who lent me their ears when I needed someone to listen to my woes. I feel extremely privileged to have had such great instructors at JALC and SIU. I could not have had a better student teaching experience as what I had with my incredible cooperating teacher and a dynamite group of fourth graders. And finally, my children have been the strongest people I know, watching their father go through lessons in life, from which I know I did a horrible job shielding them. I hate thinking that they have been affected in some adverse way in all of this, and I understand that it has been unavoidable, but I have honestly tried to be the best father that I could be. Thankfully, as this chapter in my life has come to an end, and a new one is beginning, I can finally direct a majority of my attention to them.

I praise God for allowing me to have arrived at this place, and I cannot wait to begin my new career as an educator. I have embraced all that I have been given in this life, for better and for worse, and have given thanks all the while. I have known many tears and much laughter...and I choose to know many more. I would ask after having read this, do not do as I have done, only do as you would do. Always smile and make those around you feel greater than the day. When you love, love fiercely, no matter the personal cost. And finally...
always...
always, carpe diem!
Make your lives extraordinary!

DGC

For the Love of the Crowd, and the Three Cheers from Everyone

It's been twenty years since several blokes convinced me to sing in a band we were forming. I wanted to play keyboards, but the guy who wanted to start the band had some superman synthesizer, so I submitted and decided to give the singing thing a go. He lasted for about 2 months before we convinced him we had broken up. We "reformed" and that was the beginning of Cruces. That band lasted for twelve years, and now Through Dint of Heavy Wishing has been around for eight years. After all this time, I feel that I am constantly growing as a vocalist and performer...dying slowly until the next time I'm able to be on a stage. Just about a year ago, a once good friend told me in a fit of rage that I needed to be in front of an audience, because I thrived off of it, and couldn't exist outside of that arena. I truthfully don't believe that the latter is true, but I do admit that I thrive off of a nice audience; they are an important part of not only what I do, but why I do it as well. I have sweat, cried, and bled for an audience on many occasions --and look forward to the next time, which may be tonight at PK's. You never know. Regardless of what happens at the show, every person who has every supported me through the good times and bad...I love each and every one of you. Please come out tonight and join us. I promise to need you.

Tonight's Allie Quotes...Just for the Record

I know I tweet these, but they just get lost in the digi-shuffle.  So, this is the best place to perma-post.  These are some of Al's classic lines from tonight.

"I just found out a couple days ago I have a thinking face."

‎"You know what I would love to do?! Be a vampire in a movie! But have you ever seen a blonde chick as a vampire?!?! No! They always have brown hair and brown eyes!"

"The French club is selling bon bons. I find that rather strange. I guess I should buy some."

Field Trips or Bust

Ro: Guess what? We'll probably only get to go on two field trips this year!
Me: So?
Ro: So??? We went on like six last year!!! Our teacher said they have no money!
Me: Dude, when I was in school we were lucky to go on even one field trip every year!
Ro: Dad! Get over the past! That was in the Nineteen Hundreds! You had no money back then!
Elena: What about the Eighties?!
Me: YEAAAAAAH!!!