So I haven't blogged in forever. Oh well, what can I say.

I copied this short bit from an email that I sent to some friends. It's about my trip with the wife and kids to go see "Batman Returns". Enjoy...

Just saw it. It was pretty good from all that I gathered. I say this, because of course it was a typical night at the movies for the Cooks.

We stop at the good ol' IL Center 8, and I run in to buy tickets. One girl is tapping a stack of Father's Day Sith posters on the counter, and while I'm wondering how I could score one, I almost miss the other girl short change me a ten dollar bill. I question the amount of change given, and she apologetically slips my ten-spot through the window. After walking out I kick myself for not asking for a poster to make up for the small misunderstanding. We drive around for a bit to kill time, knowing that the less time spent sitting in the theater, the less fussy Elena will become. I tell Emily about the two movie girlies, the posters, and the short-changing. Emily tells me I should have been cute and gotten that poster. Imagine ---my wife shaming me for not flirting.

We return to the movies after Emily and Allie argue for ten minutes about where some friend of Allie's lives. (??? ---such important issues.) We walk into the building, and Rohan bee-lines for the water fountain. Nothing good will come of that, I know. We file into the theater and shuffle into a row near the back of the room, but not near enough. Allie has a spiral fracture below her left elbow, and because of it's location (or dislocation I should say) from the growth plate, she doesn't have a cast, but a robot arm thingy that when bumped she's in tears. This does happen while we're trying to get the kids seated, and she does erupt into tears. After some verbal caressing, she settles down to her usual somber self.

For fifteen minutes, we sit through the bad theater trivia advertising slide-show, which loops at least three times. I look over and Allie and Emily are starting to fight. Emily is telling her that she can't go swimming with her Dad's family like he said that she could next weekend (what a moron), and she's starting to do her quiet mopey crying bit like her favorite slacker rocker has blown his head off and she can't find a candle to light and has no flannel to wear to the vigil. After trying to assure her that we're only thinking of her well-being, we get her to stop crying (again), and she drops her head to stare at the floor.

Previews start. Rohan keeps rubbing his eyes and says that they're burning. I tell him if he's tired, he may want to close his eyes. He says he's not tired. Elena keeps wanting to be passed back and forth between Emily and myself. Emily has brought fries in from Sonic to give to Elena to keep her quiet, so we take turns with one of us holding her and one of us shoving fries into the lil' guppies maw. Allie the 9-year-old vacuum keeps eating the fries, Emily keeps snapping at her, and Allie returns to more staring at the floor like it's full of reflections of happiness lost. I can't imagine what she's going to be like as a teenager. I'm definitely hiding my Cure cd collection.

Rohan's Velcro movie booster seat keeps falling over to one side, and although he requests my help in the matter, his simultaneous attempts to remedy the situation thwart my efforts to help him out. The result is something out of a Peter Sellers flick.

During the Dukes of Hazzard trailer Rohan says his eyes won't stop burning and starts to cry. I get up, take Rohan to the bathroom, rinse his hands, rinse his eyes, let him do his usual cycle with the hand dryer, let him stop at the water fountain (please let him have an iron bladder), and then march him back to his seat.

Movie starts. Rohan wants to know when does he turn into Batman. Elena starts crying. Emily leaves the theater with her. The kids are more concerned where their mother has gotten off to than what's on the screen, and so they keep turning one-eighties in their seats thinking that they'll find her. Rohan's movie seat slips to the side at least several times during these visual recon missions.

Rohan still wants to know when does he turn into Batman. Rohan then gets on my lap for round one of the twenty minute twist and squirm game (at least ol' B.W. turned into Batman.) Rohan then has to go pee. My Dad claims the kid sat all the way through Sith and then hit the bathroom running after the credits started to roll, but I guess Batman doesn't hold the same curiosity for him. I take him to the bathroom during the Arkham Asylum fight; guess I'll have to catch that one on the dvd. I look in the stall to tell him to hurry up. This is what I see: Rohan levitating over the bowl gripping the bare rim of the toilet like a prize gymnast on the parallel bars. I checked...just because...and we'll say that the guy before Rohan didn't have good aim. Hell, the last twenty guys. Anyway, this means of course I definitely can't skip the ritual of the washing of the hands. However, I did make him skip the hand dryer much to his disappointment and gave him a quick lesson in shaking them dry.

After being reseated and watching more of the movie. some gunther guy gets up to go to or go do whatever and trips on our diaper bag that Emily has forgotten ---both ways. I locate the bag and shove it under the seat in front of me. Rohan is thirsty. I tell him he can wait.

Rohan declares that he is now tired and wants to sit on my lap for round two of twist and squirm. After twenty more minutes of this wonderful activity Emily returns from the outside world. She hits Allie's arm on the way in. Allie starts to cry. Emily hushes her up. This probably happened during a meaningful scene; I wouldn't know. Emily asks for her keys. I throw Rohan into his booster seat. It slides to the side. He starts to complain, I shush at him. I fidget through all of the wrong pockets trying to locate the keys, while of course Rohan is trying to tell her that the guy has turned into Batman, and not quietly I might add. By this time I'm sure that the people behind us are just loving their choice of seats. After giving her the keys, she asks where her purse is. I'm sure that gunther guy kicked it high and low, and for the life of me I just cannot feel where it's at. No other choice. I get on my f***ing hands and knees and start to peer under the seats. Even as a kid I never crawled on a theater floor. What a lovely place it is. As soon as my eyes start to adjust to my new surroundings, Emily hisses in my general direction that she meant the diaper bag. I look at her, soooooooo happy that my hands are coated with theater floor residue. I shove the diaper bag at her and hope that she catches my glare. Emily hustles off and I climb back into my seat.

After a while the movie ends, we get up and walk to the lobby. There is Emily at the box office counter with three movie girlies, including the human calculator. Elena is on the counter, holding one of Emily's hands, bouncing up and down, waving to the drooling girlies going ga-ga over baby party tricks. In Emily's other hand is a Father's Day Sith poster.

Score: Mommy 1 --- Daddy 0.

Up next, Fantastic 4.