Day 14,391 - Armageddon It

Usually I'm like most people who complain that there doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day. However, this day seems to have had more than enough, and then some left over. Maybe because it's the end of the world? I dropped Elena and Riddick off at their school, took Rohan to the Junior High where I taught English for half a day, grabbed some coffee at Latta Java, talked with my friend Vinny over lunch at Thai D about a song that he's producing that we're collaborating on, got close to finishing the book I've been reading, wrapped up Christmas shopping for the kids, ran a couple miles, ate a quick recovery meal, met a friend and her boyfriend for a couple drinks, went out to eat dinner with Allie Dawn, and now I'm about to go see a killer band at John Brown's --the night is just beginning. Here's to seeing the 22nd.

Wonder Twin powers...activate!

As I was laying in bed reading, I began to eavesdrop on Riddick and Elena playing with some action figures in the living room. I heard Elena say, "She's your niece" to which Riddick responded with a flat, "Oh."
"So you're her uncle."
"Oh, I didn't know that." he answered back. At this point I sat up and noticed he was holding a Batman figurine.
"Well, I'm leaving and no one will ever find me!" he announced.
Then he jumped up, made a swooshing noise as Batman took to the air (obviously the Dark Knight now has the power of flight), and ran from the room.
I then heard Elena say to no one, "Oh, I'll find you. I will find you."
A moment later Riddick walked back into the room with his hands in his pockets and said, "Has anybody seen Batman?"

Middle of Nowhere

We were driving on Old 13, south of Carterville, with residential areas on our right and open countryside on our left. Riddick looked out his window and said, "Dad, I think that's the middle of nowhere over there."

This day in my history: "Brave"

Watched "Brave" with the kids

Day 14,356 - Hostess Lost

Ding Dongs are dead
Where has Twenty-Twelve gone?
Glad it is waning
A most difficult year
Mostly low points
Ending on a high note
Rearranging
Reorganizing
Recharging
Holidays approaching
Frost on windshield
Two consecutive mornings
Mad search for my icescraper
Fuse out fuse in
Christmas decor shopping
With excited kiddos
Brave tonight!
With blankets and candles
Usual purple Friday
Only just started Clash of Kings
Running through scantrons
Readying for dogs and a turtle
Possibly the final hurdle
For the all time forevermore
Counting down for an
Unexpected Journey
Laughing at studentisms
Teacherisms
Guestisms
"...or any -ism(s) for that matter..."
I need to watch that movie again
Just a thought

Day 14,318 - Status: Busy

I admit that there was a point in time in which I would post to facebook numerous times a day. Like most people I was quick to be enamored with a smart phone's GPS abilities. Thus, I "checked in" everywhere I went and subsequently posted and tagged pics. These days the allure of doing such has worn off, and it's back to living life like normal --well...or at least some facsimile thereof.

Now, just to back up for a second, the purpose of this post is not about why I'm not on facebook as frequently as I have been in the past (and by the way, I'm on facebook every day. I just don't really post much); the purpose is to quickly give my friends insight to what I have going on in my life, and why I'm not quick to respond to texts, emails, facebook messages...even phone calls. I'm sure you get my drift. I have sadly even recently not proceeded forward with a relationship with whom was probably the most incredible woman I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know. I probably have TOO much going on in my life --but I'll be the judge of that in retrospect at some future time.

Like I said, this is a quick post, with the pay-off being probably less filling that the setup. So now for the anti-climax (ha ha.) I'm currently working three jobs. I've been filling in on a maternity leave at a local high school teaching algebra and geometry. Because it is an extended leave, it falls upon me to also grade assignments. Not something a substitute gets paid to do, but hey, it comes with the territory. I've also been back at The Hideout since the end of July. Yes, I quit at the end of April, but a layoff from construction in early July, and my failure to secure a full-time teaching position has brought me back into the folds of a great work family. I have no regrets working there, because most of you know that I consider it the greatest work environment of which I've ever been a part. Finally, I'm helping a good friend remodel an old family farmhouse, so that he and his family may reside there. So technically, if I have a spare moment on my calendar, I try to work with him and knock some projects out. For instance, this Wednesday evening, if I don't pick up a shift at The Hideout, I'm going to finish installing a back door to the house.

Now, on my artistic front: yes, Heavy Wishing has not performed since this past May. However, the other members have all been busy with their own respective side projects. For myself, I haven't been resting either. I've actually experienced one of my most prolific writing periods of my career. I recently demoed five songs that have been uploaded to our cloud, so that the guys can download and listen to at their leisure. I have six more songs to record and upload, putting the total of my contribution to new material at eleven new songs. That's not saying of course that all eleven songs will make the new album, but hopefully they will soon join the band's repertoire of live material. I haven't any solo acoustic shows on the books as of right now, as my focus has been more on writing as of late, and not learning nor rehearsing cover songs. The other three members have shows booked with their side projects, so you may or may not see Heavy Wishing perform again until after the new year. In addition to writing for myself, I have just recently agreed to jump on board with my old friend Danny Wilson's latest endeavor. He has around twenty-five songs ready for collaboration on arrangements with hopes of playing some new music showcases before the year is out and possibly recording. Of course you might remember him as Cruces' original bass player, so why not jump in as a session player? He's fresh off a peer to peer song-writing retreat in Europe and also last year's success of having a song recorded by Brad Paisley.

Ahhh...my passion of the past several months: RUNNING. I haven't been running the past few weeks like I would like to. I have to admit that. My last long run was almost three weeks ago, and that was just fourteen miles. I've had to watch friends around me complete longer and more frequent runs (congrats Jessica on the Chicago Marathon!!!) Hopefully I can get back up there and acclimate to running in colder weather. Eh...not hopefully...I WILL acclimate to colder weather.

On top of all of this: FAMILY. As always, my children come first. The holidays are coming up, which are tremendously fun and exciting at our house. I can't wait! And also, in two weeks we're going to the zillionth annual Fort Massac Encampment that we love going to every year. I absolutely love fall with the kids. And Halloween! Can I take back my comments about not posting frequently to facebook? Many pictures will be uploaded in the near future, for sure.

So, if we're friends, and you've recently asked me for a favor, and several of you have (ie: illustrations and graphic art work), you can see that I honestly do not have the time. In the past I have, but as of right now, I don't. I'm like almost all of you --living life to the fullest, and almost letting it rush by without smelling the roses. If you see me sitting down and staring at the wall, it's just to catch my breath and save my sanity.

Peace.

El & Eddie: Bumpy

Me to kids, "Kids, we've ended up with a really busy Saturday!"
Ro, "At least we have it all planned out."
Me, "That we do."
Riddick, "I have a really bumpy Saturday."
Me, "Why?"
Riddick, " 'Cause I have mosquito bites all over me!"

Day 14,270 - Worthy of Note

I don't journal often, or rather not often enough. Blogging at any length at all on my phone can be quite tedious, so one might understand my infrequent posts. However, this past day was one so satisfying, I have to make note of it before I go to bed if only to look back at this post at a later date as I do others and smile. So quickly, in just a bulleted fashion:

• Awoke early and worked on my neighbor's roof for my landlord. Very near completion!
• Squeezed in a 20 min bi/tri workout.
• Caught up with several friends through texts and chatted with a new friend as well.
• Met one of my best friends for lunch at the student center and got to talk to her for almost an hour and a half, which we never do.
• Got a call from a superintendent confirming that I start observing Thursday in a class to cover a maternity leave thru October.
• Ran four miles on campus in amazing sunshine.
• Talked with another good friend for a while on drive back to Marion.
• Spoke with Rohan on my way to work which alone made my day.
• Had a great night at work, working an awesome party of fourteen who had a great time.
• Hung out with a great couple at John Brown's after work, and accepted the challenge to help this good friend lose at least 35 pounds before New Years. Totally up for it!
• Came home, and played guitar :)

And now only one more day until my four days with my babes! Loving life!

Galaxies

We used
To fly together
Over
City hall
Parks
Houses
Shopping malls
We used
To cry together
For everything
Laughter
The site of rain
The here after
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

We used
To drive together
Through mission walls
Deserts
Barricades
Fences
Even over falls
We used
To hold each other
Till the end of it
The end of such
The end of time
The end of much
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

"Is this all I do?"

Since my divorce two and a half years ago, I've lost my heart to a lesser or greater degree to several women.  If I were to list the number, I would be judged one way or the other by most, because that's what most do whether they're aware of it or not.  I have given of myself over and over and have been rebuffed and rejected.  Who shall doubt the free will of a person's heart?  My problem is that I love fiercely, and I realize that I will probably never find someone who is strong enough to reciprocate.

However, what I've come to realize is that I have been neglecting an important group of people in my search for personal happiness: those whom I've affected through my music in the past twenty-two years.  I am constantly made aware of this by people reaching out and telling me what impact I've made on their lives.  Most recently, I was caught off guard by an acquaintance as he offered up such uplifting support of my music that it almost brought me to tears.  More so, because we had just tangled in bravado over drinks at my favorite downtown pub.  Here was this larger than life Harley guy, that I deeply respect, for I was well aware of his own personal search for companionship, and how most recently he had been rejected by a person that he had loved unconditionally for many years. And here he was, out of nowhere, fervently earnest in his address to me, and I was literally without words as he expressed what my musical efforts meant to him personally.  To him it wasn't as much the content of my music, but the fact that I was doing it and my efforts had always been a constant foothold for him in everyday life.  And therein was the point that he kept returning to: a constant.  In our small circles, I had always been the guy who played music, no matter what anyone thought of me.  I had persevered in his eyes.  His concern was that I might someday stop doing it, and that I mustn't ever stop, because so many people rely on what I'm doing.

I am too often ignorant and believe that no one is listening, even though I can easily see that people are purchasing our music every day.  I get lost in self-pity...I'm weak in that regard, and extremely so, I do admit.  In some ways, it's like electing to be a martyr, and that's not an easy path.  It's a lonely path that I unknowingly ventured down many years ago, and regardless if I stray, my shadow still remains on that path, and the path itself still remains in my peripheral; I will never be rid of it and it will never be rid of me, even after I'm gone.

At this moment, I've decided to commit to the path for a good stretch and forgo my silly pursuits of the heart.  I'll be content with my daily back and forths with a Neverland friend of mind and focus on my work once more.  I feel it's what I should do --I owe it to so many, whom have shown me much love.  The music is always there in my head...I cannot escape it.  I only choose to ignore it sometimes.  I apologize for that.  It'll happen again, you can be sure.  In the end, I'm only human.

"No one knows you till it's over..." ~Jonsi

Much love,
Derek

Wanna race?

Last month I walked into the office at the Hideout before my shift, and Dustin who was sitting at the desk said, "Hey, you're running this race with me." He then showed a YouTube video to me of the Spartan Race. I was hesitant at first, because I've never really ran, but then thought, "Why not?" I've been extremely consistent in my workout regiment since last May, and have felt that I needed to work toward greater goals. I knew that my friend Josh had ran the Warrior Dash last year, and I have a great number of friends who run other races, from 5Ks to marathons. So, I bought some Asics, mapped out a greater workout schedule, and have several races for which I'm preparing. The Spartan Race http://www.spartanrace.com is coming up in 15 days --4 mi with 15 obstacles outside of Indy. Dustin and I will be running with Josh Benson and Brice Lazaro. Then I may be joining my friend Amy for the Muddy Buddy http://muddybuddy.com/ --3-4.5 mi with 10 obstacles in Nashville. I would like to do the Warrior Dash http://warriordash.com but I'm undecided as to which location/date would work best for my schedule. I'm supposed to do the Run for Your Lives http://runforyourlives.com in St. Louis with my friend Phil on Aug 8 --5K with 12 obstacles and zombies. Finally, the ultimate goal is to run the Tough Mudder http://toughmudder.com/ in Missouri in October --12 mi with 25 obstacles. My good friend Kevin is running it next month. I can't wait to hear how it goes. Dustin is running it with me and our friend Agustin has committed to it as well. I'm flippin stoked. If anyone else wants to join us in any of these, or has another race you think that I'd be interested in, let me know.

Saving Whispers

I loved
Your aggression
In Switzerland
You pulled me
Into our room
And out on the balcony
Laughing free
Making me
Look at the sky
So clear to see
Other worlds that don't
Know our lives
That don't know who we are
What we're supposed to do
How we're supposed to behave
How we're supposed to love
All the suffering for sake
Of appearances
And opinions
The buried hearts break
We're learning our lessons
How in the hell
Did we both get here?
How do we even
Know each other?
How did we
Start to care?
Now we're flying through Europe
Saving whispers
Bow-wrapping dares
Ahahahaha!
Margaritaaaaas!
And laughs and I
Stare and in one
Moment I get lost
Yeah sure I try
To break free but
My God it's Switzerland
This is all about you
This time that I have you
We create virtue
Under willows
Over icebergs
World smashing
And tightropes it's
All that I want
It's all that I want
It's all that I want
To stay right here
Right here in Switzerland
I want to stay
Right here
With you

Rohan

Seriously...I've never been a huge fan of myself, and for my son, this person...this human being that did not exist when I was fighting for an identity as an adolescent, to have ridden his bike to my house with his cool Tony Hawk helmet on that i bought for him three years ago... it is one of the single most monumental events that has ever affected me. THAT is what I mean by "bursting." I can't contain what is inside of me. I love them so, so much.

Day 14,107

Conclusion: One person always loves; One person always leaves.

El & Eddie: Radical

A preview on a dvd said the word radical...
Riddick: Elena, do you know what radical means?
El: Yup. It's means awesome.
Riddick: Mmm-hmm.

Sentenced

Baffled
Again ignorant
Foolish to be sure
Ever and ever
Open and...
Defenseless
How
Much
More
Before there is
Nothing left
Hollowed
And empty
But...
Such is the
Blindness
Onset by
That stupid
Word
The word that
I fear to use
As its utterance
Is like the
Whispered admission
Of some
Heinous act
Some atrocity
I'm immediately
Cast in chains
Awaiting
The executioner
One swing
And it is
No more
But damn it all!
What else is there?
What more
Should I want?
It's what I feel
It's pure
It's passionate
It is
Real!
And yet...
Yet...
Motives distrusted
Deeds suspected
Because...
Because why?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
...
I cannot answer
I only know
The feelings that
Are ripping
My
Chest
Apart
And before the
Stroke should fall
I would hope
As you stare
At me kneeling
On the platform
You would see
Me
Whisper
"I..."

6thers

Shiver scream blink tick lock
Shuffle
Muffle
Etched crack fading tiles
Echo empathy
Grin giggle apathy
Refresh
Smile stretch
All the um ever and
Whateverishness
Scribble shhh! fold note throw
Rebound
Turn around
Dart oh so sly quick eyes
Bell! Out of jail...free!

Among the mobile

I blew my back out Tuesday and spent the next four days in bed. Of all things, I was doing an ab circuit. I realize now though that the leg lifts had weakened my lower lumbar region. Whenever I do them it's gets my lower back burning, which of course is exciting. However, this particular time, when I moved on to burpees, (and I think this was second round) halfway through the set I felt a sudden smoosh in my back when I exploded from the squatting position. I knew immediately what had happened. I managed to ignore the increasing pain level when J and I went to dinner that night, but after I retired for the evening I wasn't able to make it out of bed again unaided. My dad and Rohan were absolutely amazing through the whole ordeal. I was very lucky to have the kids both Wednesday and Thursday evenings, as Rohan was always quick to offer help. The kid is quickly becoming an admirable young man. Also, I can't thank my dad enough for bringing me three meals a day. I'm also very grateful to my GM at The Hideout for being understanding and giving me time off, even when I was one of only two bartenders available for the busy weekend. So, today was the first day that I was able to walk. I was finally able to shower, and I did some small chores around the house. I'm still going to take it slow and easy the next couple of days; not taking any teaching assignments till Wednesday, and I'm not scheduled to return to The Hideout until Friday. I'm just happy and thankful to be among the mobile again.

Cast and All

Over a hundred years ago I would be the guy who would dutifully help a lady into a carriage. It's second nature. So, Without pause I would open the door of my vehicle for a girl --and in this case said girl has a broken wrist, and said vehicle is my father's big hondo truck, filling in for my crippled bimmer. However, as this guy right here is rounding the truck with a smile of content on his mug, the driver's side door flings open with the loveliest site lunged across the console, supporting herself on her cast, laughing with an outstretched arm. That goes down in the book of über cool.

El & Eddie: Birds

Riddick: Look at all those birds! There's like 3000 or something!!
El: Ya, they're going north.
R: Yup, they're going to our house. Our house is north.
El: Well, actually there is a different part of north where it's warmer. That's where they're going.
Me: Well, you're kind of right. They are going somewhere warmer, but it's the opposite of north. They're going south.
R: Yup, our house is south.

The story with no ending...

I had the most delightful and heartwarming evening last night. I got to spend time with two of my dearest friends, Tony and Jodie. It makes me so happy to have learned that I somehow played such a crucial role in their paths crossing at the right time. It's crushing, actually...to consider all that such a sentiment implies...and it almost brings me to tears. In fact, they did as much in their telling of their tale last night. I have loved much in my travels in this life, and always with all of my heart...why any less? I have worked, sacrificed, and created...all in vain...just to attain and retain the affections of another. My life's silly plight...and I am at this moment smiling and quietly laughing to myself...because...here I am, at this frustratingly familiar junction: the crux of enlightenment and consternation. Full and empty...a seemingly perpetual journey through every possible emotion in the spectrum of the human experience all for the sake of belonging. To be lighthearted about it, I could have done without most, if not all of the heartache --and maybe even at the cost of what it has produced in my life's work of art. I am the eternal optimist though --I absolutely believe that everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that in my own life I will chance upon a person that is truly my unique counterpart. Until that time comes though, my heart is made well knowing people like Tony and Jodie, and I wish them all the happiness that is possible in this beautiful life.