"Is this all I do?"

Since my divorce two and a half years ago, I've lost my heart to a lesser or greater degree to several women.  If I were to list the number, I would be judged one way or the other by most, because that's what most do whether they're aware of it or not.  I have given of myself over and over and have been rebuffed and rejected.  Who shall doubt the free will of a person's heart?  My problem is that I love fiercely, and I realize that I will probably never find someone who is strong enough to reciprocate.

However, what I've come to realize is that I have been neglecting an important group of people in my search for personal happiness: those whom I've affected through my music in the past twenty-two years.  I am constantly made aware of this by people reaching out and telling me what impact I've made on their lives.  Most recently, I was caught off guard by an acquaintance as he offered up such uplifting support of my music that it almost brought me to tears.  More so, because we had just tangled in bravado over drinks at my favorite downtown pub.  Here was this larger than life Harley guy, that I deeply respect, for I was well aware of his own personal search for companionship, and how most recently he had been rejected by a person that he had loved unconditionally for many years. And here he was, out of nowhere, fervently earnest in his address to me, and I was literally without words as he expressed what my musical efforts meant to him personally.  To him it wasn't as much the content of my music, but the fact that I was doing it and my efforts had always been a constant foothold for him in everyday life.  And therein was the point that he kept returning to: a constant.  In our small circles, I had always been the guy who played music, no matter what anyone thought of me.  I had persevered in his eyes.  His concern was that I might someday stop doing it, and that I mustn't ever stop, because so many people rely on what I'm doing.

I am too often ignorant and believe that no one is listening, even though I can easily see that people are purchasing our music every day.  I get lost in self-pity...I'm weak in that regard, and extremely so, I do admit.  In some ways, it's like electing to be a martyr, and that's not an easy path.  It's a lonely path that I unknowingly ventured down many years ago, and regardless if I stray, my shadow still remains on that path, and the path itself still remains in my peripheral; I will never be rid of it and it will never be rid of me, even after I'm gone.

At this moment, I've decided to commit to the path for a good stretch and forgo my silly pursuits of the heart.  I'll be content with my daily back and forths with a Neverland friend of mind and focus on my work once more.  I feel it's what I should do --I owe it to so many, whom have shown me much love.  The music is always there in my head...I cannot escape it.  I only choose to ignore it sometimes.  I apologize for that.  It'll happen again, you can be sure.  In the end, I'm only human.

"No one knows you till it's over..." ~Jonsi

Much love,
Derek

Wanna race?

Last month I walked into the office at the Hideout before my shift, and Dustin who was sitting at the desk said, "Hey, you're running this race with me." He then showed a YouTube video to me of the Spartan Race. I was hesitant at first, because I've never really ran, but then thought, "Why not?" I've been extremely consistent in my workout regiment since last May, and have felt that I needed to work toward greater goals. I knew that my friend Josh had ran the Warrior Dash last year, and I have a great number of friends who run other races, from 5Ks to marathons. So, I bought some Asics, mapped out a greater workout schedule, and have several races for which I'm preparing. The Spartan Race http://www.spartanrace.com is coming up in 15 days --4 mi with 15 obstacles outside of Indy. Dustin and I will be running with Josh Benson and Brice Lazaro. Then I may be joining my friend Amy for the Muddy Buddy http://muddybuddy.com/ --3-4.5 mi with 10 obstacles in Nashville. I would like to do the Warrior Dash http://warriordash.com but I'm undecided as to which location/date would work best for my schedule. I'm supposed to do the Run for Your Lives http://runforyourlives.com in St. Louis with my friend Phil on Aug 8 --5K with 12 obstacles and zombies. Finally, the ultimate goal is to run the Tough Mudder http://toughmudder.com/ in Missouri in October --12 mi with 25 obstacles. My good friend Kevin is running it next month. I can't wait to hear how it goes. Dustin is running it with me and our friend Agustin has committed to it as well. I'm flippin stoked. If anyone else wants to join us in any of these, or has another race you think that I'd be interested in, let me know.

Saving Whispers

I loved
Your aggression
In Switzerland
You pulled me
Into our room
And out on the balcony
Laughing free
Making me
Look at the sky
So clear to see
Other worlds that don't
Know our lives
That don't know who we are
What we're supposed to do
How we're supposed to behave
How we're supposed to love
All the suffering for sake
Of appearances
And opinions
The buried hearts break
We're learning our lessons
How in the hell
Did we both get here?
How do we even
Know each other?
How did we
Start to care?
Now we're flying through Europe
Saving whispers
Bow-wrapping dares
Ahahahaha!
Margaritaaaaas!
And laughs and I
Stare and in one
Moment I get lost
Yeah sure I try
To break free but
My God it's Switzerland
This is all about you
This time that I have you
We create virtue
Under willows
Over icebergs
World smashing
And tightropes it's
All that I want
It's all that I want
It's all that I want
To stay right here
Right here in Switzerland
I want to stay
Right here
With you