"Make your lives extraordinary!"

Tonight I'm going to do my best to organize and file away papers that have littered my room and the loft for the last several weeks. The need for them has expired as my professional semester is finally over. I had considered retelling the sordid tale about how I was told two weeks ago that I would not be graduating, because I was three credit hours short of fulfilling my mathematics concentration hours. However, even the retelling would be too exhausting. Needless to say, I passed a proficiency test in statistics to acquire the necessary hours to graduate. It was not without many a sleepless night this past week, studying whenever I could, only to believe that I had failed the test this past Tuesday morning. Yes, I did indeed pass, but there is no way that it was pretty --I am still very upset at what I feel was a dismal performance of my display of content knowledge. However, withstanding my feelings about it all, the grade posted, and I will be graduating this Saturday. It's still amazing for me to consider that passing my Teacher Education Program Portfolio Capstone was not the greatest stress of this past week.

My time spent pursuing my degree has not been without trials and pains. I began in January 2008 at John A. Logan College, getting my Associates within a year, so I could begin the TEP at SIUC the following January. I pulled many all-nighters while at SIU, because I believed in what I was doing...I wanted desperately to absorb what I could from my instructors and the coursework to supplement what I considered to be my natural teaching tendencies. However, my personal life took an exceptional turn that nearly caused me to quit a year ago. Even those closest to me advised me to take time off. I couldn't do it...I felt such a sense of immediacy, I had to stay the course. In retrospect, I have no regrets, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. --and if the friends that I made along the way were the only things gained in all of this, then I would consider this journey extremely well worth it.

I don't really know how to explain the whole tale to my children. I began many years ago out of high school, choosing to follow my dream of being a professional musician after my dream of being a graphic designer seemed out of the question. I worked many jobs while playing music, and then settled into what I knew best: carpentry. It's what I had indirectly been raised to do by my father, which is ironic considering that he was a high school teacher for almost thirty years. I had never considered going to college, as I had worked so hard to be a craftsman over many years, excelling in my trade as a home builder. It's funny to reflect on that now as I wait tables at a steak house to achieve this end of becoming a teacher. Yet, if I hadn't made the decisions that I did, no matter how crazy they were, I would have never gained what I value the most in this silly life, my four beautiful children. So, I believe that I would tell my children to not second guess what their hearts are telling them to do, no matter what the short-term outcome may seem to be.

I guess in signing off, I would like to thank all of my close friends and family who lent me their ears when I needed someone to listen to my woes. I feel extremely privileged to have had such great instructors at JALC and SIU. I could not have had a better student teaching experience as what I had with my incredible cooperating teacher and a dynamite group of fourth graders. And finally, my children have been the strongest people I know, watching their father go through lessons in life, from which I know I did a horrible job shielding them. I hate thinking that they have been affected in some adverse way in all of this, and I understand that it has been unavoidable, but I have honestly tried to be the best father that I could be. Thankfully, as this chapter in my life has come to an end, and a new one is beginning, I can finally direct a majority of my attention to them.

I praise God for allowing me to have arrived at this place, and I cannot wait to begin my new career as an educator. I have embraced all that I have been given in this life, for better and for worse, and have given thanks all the while. I have known many tears and much laughter...and I choose to know many more. I would ask after having read this, do not do as I have done, only do as you would do. Always smile and make those around you feel greater than the day. When you love, love fiercely, no matter the personal cost. And finally...
always...
always, carpe diem!
Make your lives extraordinary!

DGC

For the Love of the Crowd, and the Three Cheers from Everyone

It's been twenty years since several blokes convinced me to sing in a band we were forming. I wanted to play keyboards, but the guy who wanted to start the band had some superman synthesizer, so I submitted and decided to give the singing thing a go. He lasted for about 2 months before we convinced him we had broken up. We "reformed" and that was the beginning of Cruces. That band lasted for twelve years, and now Through Dint of Heavy Wishing has been around for eight years. After all this time, I feel that I am constantly growing as a vocalist and performer...dying slowly until the next time I'm able to be on a stage. Just about a year ago, a once good friend told me in a fit of rage that I needed to be in front of an audience, because I thrived off of it, and couldn't exist outside of that arena. I truthfully don't believe that the latter is true, but I do admit that I thrive off of a nice audience; they are an important part of not only what I do, but why I do it as well. I have sweat, cried, and bled for an audience on many occasions --and look forward to the next time, which may be tonight at PK's. You never know. Regardless of what happens at the show, every person who has every supported me through the good times and bad...I love each and every one of you. Please come out tonight and join us. I promise to need you.

Tonight's Allie Quotes...Just for the Record

I know I tweet these, but they just get lost in the digi-shuffle.  So, this is the best place to perma-post.  These are some of Al's classic lines from tonight.

"I just found out a couple days ago I have a thinking face."

‎"You know what I would love to do?! Be a vampire in a movie! But have you ever seen a blonde chick as a vampire?!?! No! They always have brown hair and brown eyes!"

"The French club is selling bon bons. I find that rather strange. I guess I should buy some."

Field Trips or Bust

Ro: Guess what? We'll probably only get to go on two field trips this year!
Me: So?
Ro: So??? We went on like six last year!!! Our teacher said they have no money!
Me: Dude, when I was in school we were lucky to go on even one field trip every year!
Ro: Dad! Get over the past! That was in the Nineteen Hundreds! You had no money back then!
Elena: What about the Eighties?!
Me: YEAAAAAAH!!!

Aching for Winter

Aching for winter
I feel for her
I try for my last
Athen's stretch
I need it now
Because I know
In the darkest past
I lost it all
Aching for arms around
The whole of me
So much to be
More than a sketch
That will come to life
And close my eyes
And fly with me
When it's time to choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Early morning rendezvous
Frost all around
Flowers break
The only sound
Clearest sky blue frames her breath
I dare not show
That I know
And can see
That she aches for nothing more
What winter tore
It all from her...
Tore her from me?
Leaving her unsettled for
All and more
Yet wanting less
When she could choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

I pull her close to me
Aching to be
Something that
She needs
In some ways I understand
I was there before
I was swallowed and
Slept the winter away
Now I have my own demands
This is all, this is mine
This is now

This beautiful strife
Aching for winter, oh!
I feel for her
Because I know
We both can still choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Get Up and Go

Here are the lyrics for the final group presentation that Jessica Herring and I did for KIN 202.  The prompt was to give a presentation on why we should teach physical education in the classroom.  The video of our presentation can be found HERE.  Watch out next year for more from The Nasty Blessings!

Days are tough
Kids talk rough
Books are long
Answers wrong
What can we do?
Can we make it new?

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Movement in the class
Will help students feel better
About themselves even
In the muck of bad weather
It helps them relax, get over fights
If they’re stressed out, it turns on the lights
We can add extra miles to their lives
If we make them feel good

We need to teach about
The food kids are eating
But also ways to burn
The fuel that they’re needing
Pyramids are great but kids will eat cake
They need to know how they’re body grows
Teach them how activities burn
Extra calories.

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

To love for a lifetime
Our kids need healthy hearts
For the love of their hearts they need
Aerobic skills to start
Bring on the oxygen by stepping it up
Basketball, dancing, even walking’s enough
But teach them lifetime activities too
Like cleaning the house to the beat of a tune

Kids need to go –and they
Like to be free –but they
Need strong muscles –and
Flexibility
So let’s stretch their muscles –and then their
Muscles we’ll train
And all of this adds up
Because it jumpstarts their brain

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

We can help them live
Lives that are
Stronger
If we teach them skills
They can keep
Forever

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Elena's Pine Cone

I just gave Elena a small calendar for the new year called "Baby Animals."  We started going through, flipping the pages, naming each animal.  There was a penguin chick, a polar bear cub, a fawn, etc.  Then I flipped the page and saw this squat little baby porcupine, something I had honestly never seen before, and Elena said, "Awwwww! A baby pine cone!"

Age Appropriate

Bearing point

Breaking point

I've seen them the same

Mine own forgotten measure

Suspension of...

Well...

Prolonged belief?

Or maybe it's the

Affective embattlement

Just so...

Caught up in it all

Frightening emotions

Muddled justifications

Breathing intermittently

Passionately feasting

Picking and choosing

Razor sharp jagged shards

Placements guessed

Adjusted hastily

Fusing together

Mismatched edges

But aren't the colours

So marvelous!

So mesmerizing!

Ah, yes!

Passively convenient reasoning

Movement outside

Alarms ring out

Sense of hearing...

Muffled

Sense of feeling...

Prickly and tingling

Instinct and notions...

Paused and reeling

Knowing better

Does not matter

Matter of fact

It's better not knowing

I'm wearing it all out

Because I do not know

Maybe even don't care

What to wear...

That which is primed

Polished

Dazzling

Seductive...

Or dirty

Frazzled

Travel-worn

Covered in blood of

My all time

I really do not know

And in this all

I say my own name

Out loud...

Just to hear it said

And for a second

It means something

And then that second

...Passes

It joins all of the rest

That time takes back

As freely as it

Eternally surrenders

And I'm still here

Occupying a loaned space

Passing out handbills

Advertising the great

Carnival of Make-Believe

Yes, the one and the same

That I as a youngster

Stole entry through a tear

In a side panel

So, so decorated!

And now look at me

I've mended it myself

With threads of pretense

Marking myself

So clever

So meticulous

So...

Lowered

And...

Jaded

I can admit it

Or

I can hide it

Maybe I'm tired

Of fixing it

Maybe I'm tired

Of talking about it

Yes...

Very, very, very

Tired of talking about it

And so...

I look deep and hard

To draw it out and

Offer it up to be gone

Forever

I see lines that

Years have drawn

A foundation of all

That are yet to come

And maybe...

Maybe I'm okay...

For now...

For yet one more day

I'm still thirty-six.

CRUCES...20 years old this year?!?!

I was just considering that it will have been twenty years since Danny Wilson, Christopher Fouke, and myself started Cruces in September 1990. Matt Arms later joined after the new year with many other members passing through the ranks until the band called it quits in August of 2002. Seriously...twenty years? That's ridiculous. Just to woolgather, I uploaded "Spectacle of Sick Amusement" to the band's MySpace page a bit ago. It was recorded in September 1998 with me on vocals/guitar, Scott Doudera on bass, Eric Watkins on guitar/vocals, and Nate Blache on drums.

Spectacle of Sick Amusement (1998)

Take those words
Drag them through the sand
Take the water pour it down the ditch
Take a look at what pools at the end
Bring down your glass
Your favorite one you know the
One I'm talking about
Your favorite one
Dip it not once, not just twice
Dip it three times and smile
Hold your breath
And toss it in the air
Watch our world shatter
What the hell our love didn't matter
Let it reunite
With the sand

You
Why do you need me?
Why
Do you play with me?
For the spectacle?
For the better days?
Pleasure baby
But maybe
I can hold out
For something better
So take off that face

Dirt road of my creation
Guides your feet
Poison food I grow
Is the food you eat
You say so, so you know
That I believe
Every word you say
Is the life I need
Pinched nerves, nervous feelings
Cash in all of the above
And give it to the meek
Who understand a little more about love
Just take your shit to nowhere
That's somewhere that I won't be
You thought I could take a joke
But that joke took everything from me

You

Why do you need me?

Why

Do you play with me?

For the spectacle?

For the better days?

Pleasure baby

But maybe

I can hold out

For something better

So take off that face

Tremble Bare

I thought I had posted the lyrics to Tremble Bare some time ago, but I guess not! At Val's request, here they are! Check out the tune if you haven't done so at Heavy Wishing's MySpace page.

Blanket more
It’s lonely warmth for now
Isolate
Don’t know better at what else
Tremble bare
Put off all the sounds
Flicker stars
Dance behind my sore closed eyes

Narrow view
From my side
Distance you
Must abide
You must know
That I want
Nothing more
Than you

Miserable
It’s a word I loathe to hear
Ventured thought
That it will never be the if
How to know?
I was never good at that
But I trust
That it will all soon turn around

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

I can hear the wind
It blows outside
I can hear your watch
It all feels right
The room it fades
I drift away
We Tremble Bare

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

Serenity's Edge v1.2

Breathtaking trapeze

No safety below

The touch, the first, the need

Do we dare to show?

Stand above the sea

I gaze at your breath

You motion to me

"The sky is on fire!" you gasp

All the color you see

The beauty, the pain, the depth

Still you wonder at me

"How can you love me?" you ask

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

As the sun hides I see

You look down and smile

"Just forget it," you say

And turn away

I reach out to grab you

My footing gives way

the beauty, the pain, the depth

I awake --alone

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

Lovin' It

I'm about to start getting ready for work. Why am I posting now? Because I'm sitting down, that's why. Actually, these past several days have been quite lazy to tell the truth. This summer class schedule is nothing like intersession. I have class at the same time, 8:40 a.m., but instead of leaving school at almost 3 p.m., I out just a bit after 11 a.m. Also, the workload is spread out because of 8 weeks versus 4. That reading a novel every other night sucked, I won't lie.

I've been trying to swim every day for at least the past couple of weeks, barring rain and other circumstances. My body is finally getting used to it, so I'm picking up my workout a bit. I had stopped my treadmill workouts when intersession started, just because I was so worn out with everything, so this is not only a welcome change, but a needed one as well.

I get the kids this coming weekend, and then it'll be another 7 days before our next vacation together. That may be around the 4th of July weekend? I don't have my calendar around, but I think that's right. I plan on taking them camping somewhere so I'm psyched about that. I've been trying to take them hiking on my weekends, and they just love it. We always have a discussion before we set out, predicting what we might see, and what we know from our previous outings. We stop at all markers and maps, and constantly take inventory of what we're doing while we're doing it. Every moment turns into a teaching moment, and they're responding to so much!

Oliver is supposed to be tracking guitar tonight with Scott engineering as usual. Joe is going to be there, and may track some guitar on his song "Beg the Past." I was going to be busy tomorrow night, but now I'm freed up, so maybe I'll get to work on some studio stuff too if Scott is free. Slowly but surely this thing is coming along!

Well, I guess I must post this and get ready. I hate that I have to miss yet another of Rohan's games tonight, but that's just the way it is. My dad is the greatest for covering for me when I'm not able to be there. I also have missed going out with some of my friends on our usual nights, and can't wait until the next time! I'm embracing this summer as truly one of the best in recent memory. Much love, Derek.

Encounter

Improvisation

The honest carouse

Senses askew

Tumble on down

The stuff the tuft

Smatter and laughter

Dizzy smeared looks

Cursory glance

Patchwork face

All the over

Something about

Never mind

All stop

Locked

Serenity's Edge

There are times
That I sit still
Nothing invades
There are no lights
I see every star in the sky
Time loses meaning
I want to burst
Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
The breeze holds me
A waking dream
Edges of galaxies
I see you
And it all makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs away

The Bed that You Make

I was just walking to the library from the communications parking lot and decided to take a longer, distantly familiar path, around Lawson toward the Ag building. I wanted to snap some pics with my phone, as I will soon no longer be on campus, and those who know me know that I am the sentimental type. However, I did not anticipate the rush of feelings that started to wash over me. Something melancholy? Possibly an aversion to the path itself or maybe associated memories?

I started back to school in the spring of 2008 at John A. Logan college. I made the decision to go back in the fall of '07. It was not an easy thing to put aside all that I knew, my professional trade, and just take a leap of faith into an unknown world. I had attended JALC for a glimpse of a semester in the fall of '91, but frankly, I don't even remember attending. I amassed a whopping 9 credit hours with a cumulative GPA of 1.67. Awesome, I know, but what did I care? Music was everything to me, and I just knew that my band, Cruces, was going to "make it." Of course, that is another story that I hope to reflect on in the near future. Yet those 9 credit hours were a springboard to acquiring my Associates degree. I was able to take 54 credit hours and raise my GPA to a 3.75 in one year which vaulted me into the Teacher Education Program at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale.

As for SIU --I never, ever saw myself attending this university. Both my father and younger brother had graduated from SIU, and my little sister had already gotten her Masters in Education from the University of Louisville...but me? I built houses for a living; I knew how to perform on a stage; I could write songs in my sleep --but pursuing a Bachelor's degree? It was never in my plans, let alone to become a teacher.

The spring semester of '09 was difficult...I will not lie. I pushed myself to physical limits with no sleep that I did not realize were possible. The first block of the El Ed program is meant to be an initiation of sorts, maybe to cull the pile of pre-service teachers. Who knows? We all like to speculate that is the case, but it is all relative. All the while, I did not realize that my personal life was imploding. I do not reflect much these days on what was really happening behind the scenes in the spring and summer of '09, because there is not much for it. It is irrelevant to my life now. However, my alternative path to the library brought back feelings from over a year ago...feelings that I was accomplishing something that had seemed out of reach...something great for my family. My perspective is somewhat different now. But, make no mistake, I still realize that my accomplishments will forever benefit my children, but a year ago, my point of view was from a different vantage point.

And so...I altered my path. I turned away from venturing to the Ag building and entering Thompson Woods from the west. I had considered going down this path, but knew it would only stir up the irrelevant. I knew my destination and decided against it. It is an interesting place at which I have found myself. Some days I believe that I walk a thin line between the concrete and abstract. This is not a horrible place for an artist, because I do believe wholeheartedly that my past immersion into the mundane was a critical detriment to my artistry. I have no regrets, but the mirror of my past can be very revealing in that aspect. I do not mean to say that I want to flirt with constant chaos for the rest of my life just write a few songs, but I can acknowledge the differences in my work from one period of my life to the next.

I am almost thirty-seven years old. Twenty years ago I was about to turn seventeen. For me, that is an alien thought, because my concept of time seems to be slightly skewed. I am still young, but there are those that are much younger. Granted, there are those that are much, much older, but I still believe that I have been afforded a place to consider in retrospect my actions and those actions of persons around me, both in and out of my personal sphere. I look at my family, my friends, my children, my former relations, my past lovers, and even those whose faces are fresh in my mind, but whose names I am no longer able to recall. Every person that I have known has made an impact on me to some degree. My life is forever intertwined with so many people, and when I stand outside of it all and look within, it is somewhat overwhelming. To even trace back bloodlines to Olde England or the Ukraine...so much greater grows the complexity of the threads of thought in my mind. I attempt it nonetheless, because I am sometimes afraid that I am overlooking the bigger picture of who I am, and my purpose in this so called life. Have I failed...or really, have I yet to even begin the purpose for which I am meant?

In reflection upon the past, I can honestly say that I would not change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that our fate is defined by destiny. I was destined to make the choices that I did, and now I find myself where I am at now. Sitting in this library, typing this entry at a computer station. My next class begins in thirty minutes. In two days this intersession term will be over, and my summer semester will begin on Monday. That will last only eight weeks and then the countdown will begin for my student teaching this fall. I will graduate in December with my Bachelors and will be a certified teacher after I pass my capstones. And so, I guess I wonder sometimes, "How did I get here?" If this is destiny, then where to next?

My children occupy the greatest field in my line of sight. They invade much of my thinking, for they are greater than anything that I have ever accomplished. They are so much bigger than myself, and more than anything in this world, they humble me, as I often times feel not worthy of such incredible individuals. Because of this, I strive to be a better person than who I was the day before. I always try to impress upon them my observations of the constant struggle of the human condition to untangle the sordid mess of life. Surely it is the uphill climb to obtain true virtuousness? Yet, I feel that I should teach them that to crash and burn is a natural part of living...and how we rise from the ashes and react to the aftermath of the destruction around us...that those lessons are what truly define us. As any father, I want my children to be proud of me...but I want them to also view me as a human being with flaws...one that did the best he could with what he knew. I am only myself and nothing more. If I have been made out to be something greater or lesser than what I state here, then it is of machinations beyond my control. I am a father that loves his children. I am a friend that will run out the extra mile for you. I have the propensity to love for a millennium. I have the determination to build a tower to the sun. I have the complexity of the sum total of every unsolved equation. I have much left to be said, and when my life is over, realize that I was not able to say it all. Whether I was forced from the path that I was on, or rather have taken a different path of my own volition, the true answer is irrelevant. I know what I want, most of which is unknown to the rest of the world. For I am the only person who truly knows even the most ardent feelings that are pent up within my breast. Maybe that story will never be told...or maybe it will. I may purposefully broadcast with set intentions, but I have been around long enough to know that the target audience does not always listen. And so it goes...

"Gladiolas" by Ida

I always return to Ida. This is from their album The Braille Night, and is just incredibly lost and haunting...an older, lonelier sense of the all that is the splendor of Americana.

"Gladiolas" by Ida

On the way to California
See my sister Carolina
Looking out on South Dakota
At a field of gladiolas
Gonna sell it in the summer
leave behind the floods and winters
Letting go of what they suffered
Let it fall away like rain across the plains

From a payphone on a corner
Making plans for our departure
I could wish we’d rush right over
Looking back over my shoulder
Cold December weather
Not keeping us together
It’s New Years Eve forever
We’re flying down the turnpike in the night

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

Someone’s always running faster
Towards the anchor that you need
You forget again and ask her
Why the light, it had to leave
An echo in a footstep

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

"And if you have a minute why don't we go..."

"...talk about it somewhere only we know..."
I'm literally lying in bed with my eyes closed, typing this...I'll proof read before I post, so...it's all good. I thought I'd write just because, well, I want to. I have nothing really big to say, no poetry, no lyrics, no la-dee-da. I'm just...here.


The past two weeks have been pretty cool actually. I started tutoring on campus, working with students who have a variety of learning disabilities, so it's been cool to get to know them and help organize, proof read, and rewrite final papers. It's been a challenge, because I have only considered working with younger students, and to work with college age students has required different teaching strategies. But it's been a lot of fun...it truly has.


I also started a new job recently, and every night that I work, I seem to meet new people and make more friends. It's always a blast being part of a team effort. I mean, I am really, really having fun with this new experience, so I would be hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. Plus, I get to work around one of my favorite bros, Jose, for whom I would probably do anything, since I think I owe him so much anyway!


And then the album! I get to listen to the rough mixes every day in my car, and I am super pumped about it! Honestly, it's going to be good, and I cannot wait to get feedback on it. I need to post to the HW blog, but I am definitely not going to do it tonight.


Finally, I just love my kids. I gotta say it, and I'll say it till I turn blue in the face and die --I JUST LOVE MY KIDS. They're the greatest, and I cherish every moment I have with them.


Now...I'm going to go to sleep...

Last Screams

After three a.m. walking

Through forsaken garden

Silver leaves they fall and kiss

Hallowed pale skin that the

Moonlight bathes hair and scarf

Blown in the crying wind

I stay the fear that I'll

Forget

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Wrestle with the winter's peak

Suffering wondering

Limbs that creak and bow to be

The trellis above your head so

Weary but alive but

Trembling you sometime soon

Will succumb to it and

Leave this behind

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Watching the Fall

I desire to escape
This prison of being
Outside, looking in
Embittered in want
To submit to disdain
And hating my heart
That still remains open
Raped and asunder
A dream just to be
Blissful in ignorance
Unfortunately though
Unwillingly omnipotent
Flows of information
Effortlessly drown my
Every sense like the
Din that roars and
Seeks to break what
I had, such candor
That I am afraid
Won't last long enough to
See me through this
Tortuous observing of
Grossly self-serving
Actions that beleaguer
Who I am, who I was
Who we were, no matter what
That we were meant to be
But now a picture of naught
Faith now destroyed
Trust that is no more
Such kind disemboweling
Perverse dance in the gore
Now I'm forced to watch
The strings that control
The autonomy now gone
A person that is no more
I still mourn for the passing
I still entreat and I hold
But in vain because there's nothing
But void, black and cold

All six eyes stared fixedly on you

"Years may come, years may go...did you hear we change? They told me so." Just a line from a song I wrote in early '97 that we never used. Something that has weighed on me recently, more so than other detractors in my life --I know a lot of good people with great intentions and big hearts, but I know very few people that are real. I struggle to comprehend why this is. There is a song called "How Beautiful You Are" by the Cure (which is based on a poem by Charles Baudelaire) that ends, "...no one really knows or loves another..." Sadly, I believe it rings too true. So to my close friends out there, and you know who you are, I hold you dear to my heart, because you are a rarity among seasons. And to those that flitter and flutter about like butterflies on a spring wind, seemingly not knowing where they want to go...well...you could learn a lot from the real people.

Umm...ouch?

A most bizarre thing just occurred. I was unzipping my gig bag to take out my guitar, as I have an idea fresh in my mind. I restrung it two nights ago for recording, and as my usual practice, I don't cut the excess string off from the post. My guitar is ever so slightly longer than my gig bag, so I have to somewhat forcefully pull the zipper around the headstock to make a quick job of it. When I did, somehow the excess of the sixth string (the thickest gauge for those of you not in the know) suddenly sprung out and stuck into one of the joints in my left middle finger and went pretty deep. It's now dark and swollen and pretty sore. I Guess I should have iced it before playing out my idea.

How, and How

Oh, my back and neck are stiff. My eyes are even stiffer...how's that for an odd description? It's this head cold that has me captive. Fortunately, I know it'll be past in several days. God has blessed me with a quick rebound time in recent years. Regardless, I'm still feeling the pressure tonight.

I'm about to finish my Portfolio 1 for ED308, and then I need to wrap up HW2 for ED317...aaaand then throw together a lesson plan for my third period algebra students. Fortunately, I don't have to reinvent the wheel. I'm just teaching a lesson straight from the book. And actually, I'm basing the projects for 308 & 317 on the respective chapter. Instructional goals and objectives were meant to be recycled! It's my own property of distribution. :)

Oh, btw if you're not already following the TDoHW blog, check it out HERE. I'll save all of my music banter for that blog for the time being.

So today was...well...stressful, but I survived. My classes were enjoyable, and I had some good laughs with friends. I mean, you've got to laugh about stuff, y'know? I'd curl up and die if I didn't. This world is too much for the everyday Derek. Anyhoo, I discovered today that today was THE day for seniors to sign up for summer and fall classes. The path that I travel in Wham doesn't take me past advisory, so I'm not up to speed on what is posted on their bulletin board, hence my seemingly newness to these things every time I turn around.

So after 424 I trekked over to Morris, did a little work, and at a quarter till 2 I logged onto Salukinet and attempted to register when we "C"s were allowed to. The key word: attempted. All of the run numbers I entered came up as registration errors, asterisked as "departmental approval required." But see, I waited five weeks for my appointment with my advisor, who cancelled my appointment an hour before it was scheduled. Thus, I couldn't get my classes approved. And when I went in to make an appointment this morning, I couldn't get in until Apr 8. Fun, fun. So after accepting defeat, I walked back over to Wham to see if I could get the block removed from those classes.

Oh, I guess I should also point out that earlier in the day I discovered that SIU now requires pre-calc before taking calc 1. Of course I find this out now. I'm taking my last middle school endorsement class during the intersession, KIN 202 in the summer, and I'm supposed to have two more math courses, one of which being calc 1, to wrap up my degree outside of student teaching. This means that I'll have to take pre-calc at JALC during the summer at night, with the supposed assurance that it will transfer back to SIU, and then somehow squeeze in calc somewhere...and where I have no clue. Just that one class may postpone my graduation date from December to May of next year. There's not much else for it...my hands are tied. Anyway, I digress...

Long story made longer, I made it into advisement, and while the student worker was making a note to give to my advisor, Andrea, she walked in the door, saw me, walked over the filing cabinets, thumbed through a drawer, pulled out a folder, looked up and said,"Derek, why don't you come back to my office." And I'm thinking silently to myself,"YESSSSSSS! FINALLY!" She removed the blocks on KIN202 & CI473, and approved my ED401a which is student teaching. BLESS HER HEART. So I was able to register for all of those, and between now and Apr 8, I need to register at JALC and get the ball rolling to take pre-calc there this summer. Which of course means more fun at financial aid there, which is like pulling teeth. I also grabbed some paperwork from 135 to put me on track to get my app in for student teaching by next week thanks to fabulous Ashley D.

Then I took part in a group presentation in 416 which was really carried by my colleagues. I wish I could say that I contributed equally to the project, but I didn't. I did do my best to expand on my part of the presentation, and we got decent marks, so at least that one is out of the way.

Then I had some fun texting with Rohan earlier in the evening, so that was cool. He's such a great kid. I'm so proud of him for everything that he does.

So here I am now...I need to get back to work, and then get a little sleep before an equally long day and evening tomorrow. I'll get home at 9:30 tomorrow night, just to start wrapping up the Adapted Lesson Plan using the UDL Framework for 424. The consolation? Thursday we get to go do grave marker etchings at a cemetery. Woot!

The Quiet Sustain

(work in progress)

Hey Mark, what were you
Saying the other day?
Wait...that was
Twelve years ago
Just like then I am
Lonelier today
Except now
You're gone
I promise I listened
To you
I always sang
Along
I saw your words
In colors soft and true
That you will sing
No more

I bet she is
Sitting at home
Mark, do you think
There's still hope?
She flies
Then she hides
And I no longer
Know
The pain
I feel
Has no place
To go

Four-Fifteen Sherry Pain

I'm in the dark

Monitor glows

Beautiful faces

Reflect the light

Heavy breathing

Small and precious

This is where

I Want to be

With them

Always

Of course I know

That is not how it works

But I still cherish

The moment

I still cherish

Their sounds

This is our last night

In this house

I'm ready to leave

I died here

I was born here

I will leave nothing

I will take nothing

I just want to be

With them

Always

And that can be

Anywhere in the world

The Lie

Air so sweet the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of the all engulf me

And it builds some more

Pull so close in binding

Breathe that breath to claim

Standard of a sensual chorus

So easy to stay this way

Worried echoes of angels

Laughter that chances to dare

Muster of wanton naivete

And it builds some more

Cries in dark embracing

Flesh slides smooth and bare

Consuming and creating

Promise to stay this way

Refrains of breathing waiting

Rhythm of smiles and stares

Pains and water breaking

And it builds some more

Cries in water embracing

Blood and tears so pure

Newest breath so tiny

It must always be this way

Mold the world to take it

Contain the sun to share

Still soft the touch to invite

And it builds some more

Glow of noontide embracing

Replay of practiced stares

One sincere the other maybe

It might always be this way

Hint of summer failing

Shadow of pensive malaise

Torn banner of a wistful chorus

The song is sung no more

Chimes that seem much louder

Where laughter used to raise

Stares no longer linger

It must always be this way

Proposition of a sunset

Blunt incision to fillet

Choking wailing convulsing

It starts to falter more

Rush to build salvation

Exhaustive tears unsure

Surely some feelings still linger

Bargaining to keep it this way

Emptiness of expulsion

Stupefied sickened dazed

Wondering how it all happened

It can never be anymore

Air so bitter the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of cold engulf me

A lie is all that stays

Velvet

Just when I thought

Everything was gone

Out of nowhere

You appeared

I would be lying

If I said

I didn't fall for you

From the first time I saw you

The fire beside us

The silence around us

I could have stayed

With you for hours

The velvet of your voice

The glaze of your eyes

Caught me by surprise

Lost and mesmerized

The curve of your lips

And the glow on your skin

I'll never recover

Engraved in my mind

Can't bear to think

About walking through this life

Not seeing your smile

That cruel fate denies

What darkness may come

What goodness may go

I'll always remember

I'll never let go

demo on YouTube

Luster

I'm posting this tonight for a friend. I wrote "Luster" sometime in '04 I believe. It was both autobiographical and modeled after similar experiences in some of my friends' lives. And just now I was thinking about a conversation I had tonight with a good friend, and this song crossed my mind, so...this is for you A.

Air so close
Haze all I see
There you are perfect
Stock smile in front of me
How do you choose
The promises to break?
How do you choose
Which ones to keep?

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

Eyes burn with sweat
I hardly breathe
Never a look I give
You seem to see
I know I have free will
All the memories I could kill
But for what?
It's all too hard for me

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

I thought I heard
You say alright
But I couldn't be
For sure
Oh, but then
You would just
Lie again
To me

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

"Little Things" by Pomplamoose

sorting all the lights and darks

making sure our love won't lose that spark

you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take

dinner out instead of shake'n'bake

you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines

filling our heads with dreams

but love is the little things

love changes everything.

picking me up after work

putting up with all my silly quirks

you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great

while you try to hide a stomach ache

you really didn't have to.

Check out Pomplamoose at: http://www.myspace.com/pomplamoosemusic

Ardor

My head it searchingly aches

My eyes close just to wait

And I want just

One thing...

My heart pounds within my throat

My stomach is afloat

And I want just

One thing...

This room is getting smaller

As the night grows longer

And I want just

One thing...

Such prolonged pendulousness

A dare will only best

And I want just

One thing...

If only prescience were mine

Warmest solace divine

And I want just

One thing...

But the unknown still taunts

All the maybes still haunt

And I want just

One thing...

Amber memories in flame

Desires whisper a name

And I want

Just one thing...

I am ardent and fervent

Zealous and determined

And I want

Just one thing...

I want

You

i've never wanted for much, but...this is one of those times...I just want to freeze this feeling...and keep it...stowed away...for all-time. Yeah.

I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.

I'll be sad when Elena loses her speech impediment

Elena walks into my room holding a Star Wars blaster and says, "Daddy! We are de tops, and we're going to arrest you! Shoot'im Riddit!" Riddick starts yelling, like he's snapping into a Slim Jim, and Elena marks me with the red laser from the toy gun and shouts, "Oooo! Daddy! Der's a lady bud on you!"

Restore

I posted the lyrics to Restore as a note on Facebook some time ago. I've been watching the video of me performing the song to consider different approaches to the vocal line, and it just got me thinking about the song content in general, and how much it really means to me. I wrote this song last year on Riddick's birthday, which is on the 31st of this month. It is actually a very personal song, whereas I write a lot of songs for and about people that I'm close to. It delves into my heritage, both distant and near. Around the time that I wrote Restore, I wrote about twelve other songs, and like I said before, they were not autobiographical. However, it's very surreal to look back at the lyrics of those songs and consider how prophetic some of them were...for now, in lieu of recent major life changes, they hit really close to home. Art truly does imitate life...even when you least expect it. Now more than ever, I want to get in the studio and get this album over and done with. It will be a major cathartic experience, and one that I will not ever want to return to again.

Restore

I will sit on smooth dirt floor
I will dream of something more
I will leave all of my friends
I will return never again

I will put my foot on shore
I will last I will endure
I will walk into the wind
I will fall in love again

Restore Me

I will break through tundra’s back
I will sing across that land
I will taste from Siberian stream
I will wake in Peter’s dream

I will look across a farm
I will grip my lover’s arm
I will promise a precious lie
I taste her kiss one last time

Restore Me

I will walk down from the hill
I will erase every kill
I will yearn to be at home
With the one who will never know

I will swim in youth so real
My brothers all alive and well
I will race into a house
The wall turns red the laughter stilled

Restore Me

I will lie in a room so cold
With faces worth more than gold
I will smile and meet every eye
Surrender all the past I know

I will climb into the hills
I will breath in all the chill
I will touch every hand
That reaches down from Glory land

Restore Me