I miss the Civil Wars

Is it just the time?
Is it really 4:16 a.m.?
Why must I search?
Room all red
Echoes that laugh
And they sing
The Civil Wars
The two that made me question
The two that made me believe
And even they quit
No matter my wish
I'm old enough
Oh, yes
I'm old enough
Old enough to know
Nothing lasts
None of this is real
Dreams are reality
Reality is a dream
Like her
Like all of the hers
She who lit the flame
That lit my spirit
That fueled my fire
Which searched to give
Warmth and all of it
All that I thought
That had a direction
But found none
Because I was...
Not him
And finally
Burned me out
To a cinder of what I was
Yes, her
That one that you're thinking of
The one that isn't real
The one that they sang about
The one that I thought was real
The Civil Wars
Room all red
This room so big
This room so empty
See me so alone
Rewind and repeat
Push play and here I go
Her and her and her
Oh once again
All of them
Their shadows dim
No proof that they were even here
She wasn't here
They were a dream
She was a dream
They weren't real
She wasn't real
She wasn't warm
She didn't feel
And what does it take?
What can make me quit?
What can destroy my beliefs?
It takes seeing to believe
A growing belly
A truck in the driveway
A glowing phone
An emoticon reply
A picture of two smiles
Reading what was
Never said about me
It takes these things
To make me believe
That there was never her
That there was never me
That there was never ever
Anything at all
To ever believe in
That as they sing
That as they say
I've been lonely
Too long
But who are they?
They are gone.

Elena continues to prove that she's bigger than me

I'm finally getting around to posting about this. Earlier this week, Elena came into my bedroom holding an impromptu art project. She's such the lady of the household that she can get out anything art and craft related, make a mess in her creative modds, clean it all up, and I'm almost never the wiser. Thus, I wasn't even aware that she had been busy with a project. She asked what I thought about it --it was a pink impression of her hand-prints on a piece of white glitter foam-board glued at an angle on a pink piece of glitter foam-board. It was done really nicely, and I asked, "What is it for?" She replied, "Well, I just wanted to do it for school to take and show my teacher and my class. I think it shows we can beat cancer."

Yeah.

Proud, proud, proud.

Having a bad day?

Recently I have noticed frequent facebook posts by friends that state things like, "My life is over!" or "I give up!" My life has been on a stuttering reboot ever since my divorce almost four years ago. Since then I have had many days that things don't really go my way. Upon further reflection, my life isn't quite where I thought it would be at all at the age of forty. Yet, through it all I've never "given up." Make no mistake --it hasn't been a bad life, especially being blessed with three beautiful children and having my health. It just hasn't been a cake-walk either. You're probably thinking, "Sure Derek, whatever." In that event, please read further as I quickly recap my litany of my life's low-points...

• After high school my junior college art instructor discouraged all notions of using computers in the field of commercial art, so I dropped out of college. I would not return to higher education for another seventeen years.
• The girl whom I considered my soul-mate went off to college and quickly broke up with me. We had been on and off for about three years. We touched upon resolving things, but it never worked out. Ah, the perils of young love.
• I felt as though I was forced to leave my home after high school, but of course everyone must leave the nest at some point. I lived in a crawlspace under a friend's bedroom for awhile (I could sit up in bed, but my head was between floor joists when I did) that was infested with mice. I also lived on a friends back porch for some time with no heat. That was a cold winter. I was grateful though for the shelter.
• My band Cruces toured much and played many label festivals and was promised many good things with many handshakes. Nothing ever worked out for the band. At one point we had collected over ninety rejection letters from record labels. Cruces had thirteen total members. At any given time there were four to six people in the line-up, so that is a lot of line-up changes through the band's twelve year existence. Some of those departures were not friendly. it was very difficult having friendships, or rather, brother-like relationships torn apart. Ultimately, two members leaving at the same time spurred me to end the band and start over with Heavy Wishing.
• My first marriage was an on-going fight. We fought almost every night about something. In fact, I have really no memories from that marriage, because I can only assume I have blocked it in some way. I do know that I was miserable and finally got out.
• I have had to witness all of my grandparents, two uncles, and two aunts die of terminal illnesses. I can also count four good friends that have passed away, and have had to watch as friends lay their children to rest. Let's say I've had much practice as a pallbearer and singing at funerals.
• My second wife and I tried our hardest as owners of a tanning/beauty salon to make it work. Near the end we were putting over a thousand dollars a month out of our own pockets into the business. Ultimately we had to walk away from the business and file for bankruptcy.
• I spent hundreds of hours learning web design and hundreds more doing freelance work for clients. It never paid off, so I took up work at a fireplace/lighting shop. I was thankful for the work, but we watched ourselves get further in debt as the pay wasn't enough.
• For a greater part of my adult life I built houses with my father or other crews. The physical work was very hard and took its toll on my back. Whereas there were times that the money was good, those periods of time between jobs were hard financially. I ultimately gave up being a contractor and went back to college, because we were constantly underbid for jobs and it was incredibly expensive to stay insured.
• My second wife of eleven years walked into our bedroom one evening and said that she had divorce papers drawn up. No warning. I tried hard for some sort of reconciliation for two months. It never happened. It finally took a couple months of counseling to get me to stop placing the blame on myself.
• Immediately after the divorce I got a job stocking shelves at Kroger. During this time I was taking around 18 hours at SIU in the Teacher Education Program. It was the second block and nothing but paper after paper, many group projects, and constant portfolio work. I would go to work from 8pm-2:30am, get home and unwind by working out, start homework around 3:30am, usually go to sleep by 6am, and wake at 7am to get ready for classes. I survived on one hour of sleep during those work nights for six weeks. I took fifteen minute power naps on campus in any nook and cranny I could find. Along with coping with my failed marriage and living away from my children, it was the closest I ever came to a complete mental breakdown.
• I was told two weeks before graduating SIU that I was not in fact graduating. My adviser told me that I was three credit hours short. Within the next two weeks I borrowed money to pay for a statistics course at John A Logan, crammed for the class's final exam, and scored an 80.5; I needed an 80 to get credit for the course. I won't even describe the hell associated with that debacle and all the additional legwork involved in even getting SIU and JALC to work together in time for not only my graduation, but to get my teaching certificate in time to get one day of subbing in to qualify for the outgoing teaching retirement system. Ultimately a snow day killed that final goal on the last day of school before Christmas break. However, I did graduate with my peers and walked during graduation at the age of 37.
• In the last three years I have applied for countless teaching positions and have been shot down each and every time. I'm always told, "Well, it's who you know!" Really? Please. I know tons of people, and I will forever be grateful for those who have constantly gone to bat for me with countless phone calls, texts, and emails. It's difficult having touched the lives of hundreds of students as a substitute teacher, having them shout out "Mr. Cook!" every time they see me, and putting all of my heart into teaching in a classroom, only to know that I will never get a job as a public school teacher for whatever reason, which in most cases has been either because I wasn't related to a school board member, or I did not have coaching experience.
• Last fall I did two back-to-back leaves at an area high school as a math teacher. This tenure was from the second week of school into the early part of November. During this time, I somehow started in the middle of a pay period, and then there was the standard withholding period of a new employee. Meaning, it was around six weeks or so before I got my first paycheck, during which time I was out over five-hundred dollars in gas and food for work, the restaurant where I work evenings was slow, my power got shut off (which resulted in being turned in to DCFS), my water got shut off, and finally my phone got shut off. Yet I never missed a day of work, and did my damnedest to make sure those students were taught the lessons to the best of my abilities.
• I have been through several long-term relationships and break-ups since my divorce. None of them easy, and one or two that caused great heartache.
• My music has reached all over the globe in some fashion or the other thanks to internet radio and album sales on iTunes and Amazon. I have not received any monetary compensation, because it all goes back into advertising, and I will ultimately die a virtual unknown artist, because of the attitudes of the general population of music consumers in regards to unsigned acts. [READ WITH SARCASM] Because of course, if you're not signed to a major record deal, you must not be any good.
• I'm like every other poor bloke right now: I have about ten dollars in checking, I live from nightly tips as a server/bartender, I can't pay for old credit card debts incurred during my message and have constant court summons about said debts, something is always breaking down on my car, have spent thousands of dollars on overdraft fees, and live off of quinoa and dried beans. It is what it is.

Now...there is the great possibility that my just dues are coming. My fingers are crossed about a second interview with a company for whom I would love to work. I may actually be able to join the higher paid workforce which will change my life considerably. In the past three years I have discovered personal fitness which not only keeps my core strong, averting issues with my back, but it keeps me high on life. I continue to have a great relationship with my children, including my step-daughter from my second marriage. I maintain several relationships with long-term friends and even some newer friends. I also have a deep personal religious faith. I'm not outspoken about it at all, but it has always kept me going. I have seen friends quit and seemingly take the easy way out, but I will NOT let this world beat me down. You're all stuck with me and my optimism. You'll constantly see me post motivational images and videos to social networks. Not only does someone out there need it, I need it from time to time as well. Peace and many blessings to you all.

El & Eddie: Tags

Elena: Riddick, your tag is showing.

Riddick: I like to have my tags show on my shirts, because they itch in my shirt.

El & Eddie: Bertram and the Bunnies?

At the table while eating lunch...

Riddick: Elena, Bertram is afraid of bunnies.

El: Riddick, Bertram IS a bunny.

Riddick: Well, he's still afraid of them.

El: You're so weird.

Riddick: Heheheh

(I have no idea what they are talking about.)

Yes, There Was Fire

I've just awakened
From dreaming
We were both there
And yes!
Your hair had changed
And was changing
In all the burning colors
The fiery hues
In all the effervescence
Of your passions
The whole of you
Pulsating, changing
Warming, breathing
Beating, exclaiming
That you were alive!
And how then
Could I not then
For who I am
Not rush then to
Entangle my hands
In this fountain
Of living fire?
And laugh then
To know then
That the moment
Was as beautiful
And as
Brief
As
The
Sunset

What's the difference between a town and a city?

"Cites are huger, towns are littler." ~Riddick

El & Eddie: Unfortunate Felines

When I tucked Riddick in he informed me that cats only have nine lives. Poor things.

Retrospective: Day 10,805 - My First Blog Post?!

Out of curiosity, I just checked to see when I began this blog, because I was pretty sure it was in '03. My first post was on February 26 of that year. Ten very long years ago. It's a very brief post that paints a vague picture of how different my life was at the age of twenty-nine. For you...trivial, but for me...mindblowing.

Day 14,433 - "...and never sleep for wanting hours..."

A First of February blog post. Ah, this month --the shortest of the year and seemingly longest as well with no small part being how bleak the weather can be this time of year. We're lucky to have the sun shining today, but it is definitely frigid out. I am loathe to run in it, but really need to if I am to commit to some sort of consistency.

This seems to be the month of personal reparation after licking my Christmas wounds for seemingly all of January. The after-holiday lull in the restaurant business was the greatest killer, along with the school holiday break leeching into a greater part of the month than usual which meant less subbing jobs. I had too many free days and nights, and suffered a smashing head cold after my trip to Chicago. Simply put, January plain sucked as far as cash inflow.

Now I have an onslaught of work in front of me. My days are a delicate juggling act of when and where to work. With the current flu season, professional development seminars, and continuing educational obligations for my teaching friends doing grad work all in full swing I am in high demand for subbing gigs. At the same time, I am part of a very small construction crew that has just started a new house. My friend whom I have worked for on and off since '99 is very accommodating to my busy schedule. Basically, if I am not working elsewhere he just wants me to show up on the job site. However, at this early and crucial stage of the project it is very necessary for me to be there as many days as possible. So, I love being in the classroom and helping out my teaching friends in need, but building calls --and pays almost three times as much. On top of all of that, my good friend and landlord is at his wit's end to finish up the renovation of a farm house that he is desperate to move his family into. Unfortunately I can only give him my day times on the weekend, and this is very difficult on the weekends that I have my children. Add to all of that my night jobs. The Hideout will be picking up due to Valentine's day, and any given night around that holiday can prove to be extremely rewarding monetarily. I also have several upcoming bartending gigs booked with John Brown's at the Pavilion. It should come as no surprise, but these are always my greatest financial boons. I do not pass up those opportunities if I can help it.

After saying all of that, who can question why I haven't publicly displayed any creative output? I've not been happy in that regard. Make no mistake: I am desperate to play out. This drought in being on a stage can have an adverse effect on me psycho-emotionally. Being a performer is who I am, and when this has happened in the past, I have felt like my identity has succumbed to a slow and deadly deterioration. Thus, I hate it when this happens. Now, since August I have been compiling a great many songs. I am at no loss in that realm which does excite me greatly. My ever-fractured personal life does me true in that I haven't had a period of writer's block in years. I was able to record five songs as demos in September, but have yet to hit the studio since. Scott is going to just let me borrow the Akai deck to record at my own leisure; I've just yet to make time to go pick it up. It also may come as a shock, but I have not been in the same room collectively with the other members of Heavy Wishing since we played at John Brown's last May. In fact, I ran into Oliver about a week ago and almost didn't recognize him as his hair had grown at least six inches since I last saw him. Both he and Joe have been hard driving with their own bands respectively. With any of you that have a family or busy personal life outside of work, consider if you had to commit one or more nights a week to a hobby in addition to your other extra activities. That's what it takes to be in a band, even if to just perform a handful of dates a year and put out small a decent studio effort (which can take weeks, months, or years.) Out of respect for those guys, it's very difficult for me to ask for them to squeeze Heavy Wishing rehearsal into their already packed schedules. So unfortunately, the band is dormant and indefinitely so. This isn't a death throe though; the band has always existed outside of our other personal creative endeavors. In fact, the band went through an extended hiatus from the spring of '05 to late summer of '08. Because of our current stillness, I'm inclined to record what songs I have and release them as a solo effort outside of Heavy Wishing. If I do that, I may tread outside of my usual stylistic waters and shape the project in a way that is different than how I would approach something with the band. This is not to say that the songs would not be reworked later by Heavy Wishing. The band is always welcome to anything that I've written as I'm the principle songwriter; but the band has always operated that way, culling from offerings from all members, since we're all seasoned veterans of our craft. Regardless, I am going to commit to the early production stage of releasing something on my own.

I'm excited to be hitting the pavement again and would like to get more mileage off road as well. I didn't run much in December and almost not at all in November. I got in several runs in January which at least got me past the heavy legs. Now with spring races just around the corner, I feel like I have a good start on conditioning, whereas last year being my first as a runner I did not start until mid-March. My goal for this year is to run my first street marathon and would love to do a trail marathon as well. I ran the Bernheim trail half-marathon last year and wanted to do the full trail marathon this year, but it's on a kid weekend, and I really hate not being with them. If I can't switch out with their mother, I'm definitely not doing it. I sacrificed a weekend with them to audition for The Voice, and that about killed me. I don't think I'm quite ready for anything over 26.1, so the 50Ks and other ultras will have to wait until '14. I'd also like to think that I'll be able to go for the Spartan Trifecta, but I'll just have to see how I sit financially leading up to the Super and the Beast. Outside of that, I'd like to hit a Tough Mudder, but it's lower on my running short list than the marathons.

In a nutshell that's what's going on with me outside of my personal life. In case you overhear me say, "Oh, not much" as a friendly response to the rhetorical inquiry, "What's been going on?" you can smile, because you're in the know. If you respond in kind to me asking you the same, know that I know that you are probably every bit as burdened as I am with everyday life, but would rather save your breath for laughs and good mindless conversation as we enjoy our interim between days.

On your side,

Derek