Day 14,356 - Hostess Lost

Ding Dongs are dead
Where has Twenty-Twelve gone?
Glad it is waning
A most difficult year
Mostly low points
Ending on a high note
Rearranging
Reorganizing
Recharging
Holidays approaching
Frost on windshield
Two consecutive mornings
Mad search for my icescraper
Fuse out fuse in
Christmas decor shopping
With excited kiddos
Brave tonight!
With blankets and candles
Usual purple Friday
Only just started Clash of Kings
Running through scantrons
Readying for dogs and a turtle
Possibly the final hurdle
For the all time forevermore
Counting down for an
Unexpected Journey
Laughing at studentisms
Teacherisms
Guestisms
"...or any -ism(s) for that matter..."
I need to watch that movie again
Just a thought

Galaxies

We used
To fly together
Over
City hall
Parks
Houses
Shopping malls
We used
To cry together
For everything
Laughter
The site of rain
The here after
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

We used
To drive together
Through mission walls
Deserts
Barricades
Fences
Even over falls
We used
To hold each other
Till the end of it
The end of such
The end of time
The end of much
We
Were
Gone

Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
Edges of galaxies
And I see you
And it all
Makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs Away

Saving Whispers

I loved
Your aggression
In Switzerland
You pulled me
Into our room
And out on the balcony
Laughing free
Making me
Look at the sky
So clear to see
Other worlds that don't
Know our lives
That don't know who we are
What we're supposed to do
How we're supposed to behave
How we're supposed to love
All the suffering for sake
Of appearances
And opinions
The buried hearts break
We're learning our lessons
How in the hell
Did we both get here?
How do we even
Know each other?
How did we
Start to care?
Now we're flying through Europe
Saving whispers
Bow-wrapping dares
Ahahahaha!
Margaritaaaaas!
And laughs and I
Stare and in one
Moment I get lost
Yeah sure I try
To break free but
My God it's Switzerland
This is all about you
This time that I have you
We create virtue
Under willows
Over icebergs
World smashing
And tightropes it's
All that I want
It's all that I want
It's all that I want
To stay right here
Right here in Switzerland
I want to stay
Right here
With you

Sentenced

Baffled
Again ignorant
Foolish to be sure
Ever and ever
Open and...
Defenseless
How
Much
More
Before there is
Nothing left
Hollowed
And empty
But...
Such is the
Blindness
Onset by
That stupid
Word
The word that
I fear to use
As its utterance
Is like the
Whispered admission
Of some
Heinous act
Some atrocity
I'm immediately
Cast in chains
Awaiting
The executioner
One swing
And it is
No more
But damn it all!
What else is there?
What more
Should I want?
It's what I feel
It's pure
It's passionate
It is
Real!
And yet...
Yet...
Motives distrusted
Deeds suspected
Because...
Because why?
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
...
I cannot answer
I only know
The feelings that
Are ripping
My
Chest
Apart
And before the
Stroke should fall
I would hope
As you stare
At me kneeling
On the platform
You would see
Me
Whisper
"I..."

6thers

Shiver scream blink tick lock
Shuffle
Muffle
Etched crack fading tiles
Echo empathy
Grin giggle apathy
Refresh
Smile stretch
All the um ever and
Whateverishness
Scribble shhh! fold note throw
Rebound
Turn around
Dart oh so sly quick eyes
Bell! Out of jail...free!

Not Quite 2am

Not quite a dizzy perch
The usual stumble
Effortless harrang around
The wonder of the heavens
Staring at the stars
But one of a sort
Of different pauses
A pause and capture
A moment of clear
Vision and rapturous
Chest swells when the
Wind is so strong it
Sucks out my
Every breath and
And I gasp --
Inhale and gasp --
It tears up my eyes
They well but strive to
Take it all in
Capturing what you
Were like --all of you
Sure...just a smile
Golden tresses
Laughter and joy
You were there!
In front of me!
I was in a state of shock
The entire night
A smile so exuberant
Suppressing such suppression
That I could cry
A thousand hours of
Lament just for you
Because what else?
What else can I do?
Never to see you...
Never to see you...
So yeah...
What else can I do?
I...
Listen.
I
Listen.
And the days go by...
And the friendship grows...
And if I am able
To touch your hand
Before my time expires
I will have lived...
A full life.

Blades

Beautiful blades
Of brown hair
Swept over brown
Eyes
Spin it as though
Just sometimes
But I'll be honest it's all the time
That I think of you
The coolest grace
In the way you move
I fall over myself
When you change your shoes
I hate knowing now
That I am
Forever
Away from you

So I'll draw
Your face
In the light
That I see you
And think of
The place
Where I last
Kissed you
Slow
dancing
Beside
Your Christmas tree
Your eyes
Your smile
All of it
Happened

Crack
In your favorite wine glass
Never stopped us
From enjoying our favorite white
Snow
On the television
Never stopped us
From laughing all night
Sitting on your
Garage stairs
Sweeping through
Beautiful blades of brown hair
Chilled to the bone
Huddled at home
A dizzy black softly
Swallowed us whole

So I'll draw
Your face
In the light
That I see you
And think of
The place
Where I last
Kissed you
Slow
dancing
Beside
Your Christmas tree
Your eyes
Your smile
All of it
Happened

Your Name

Caught on the edge
Frayed as it might
Just be as it may
The off random sight
Trip on your stare
Caught up in your eyes
All talk is too brief
Too long sleepless nights
Toss and then turn
A make believe whirl
I sing and I miss
World spinning unfurled
It's all stupid nothing
Better sense says to shame
But I know I'll sleep better
Just savoring your name

A Day in My Life: Post 201

I rise in the morning.
First up.
I have been awakened by a secretary calling me to work.
I love this one's voice.
A voice softer than my grandmother's who died many years ago.
I have to tell her no, since I'm already subbing.
I wonder if my alarm has already gone off.
It has.
I take my shirt to be pressed down to the laundry room.
Already a song is hitting me.
My head has natural reverb.
Great Hall.
I make a protein shake as the iron is warming and the coffee is brewing.
I go take my shower and shave.
I try to wake my babies, one by one.
My daughter cries that she won't get up.
I hold her till she says she's ready to brush out her hair.
My oldest son says he showered last night.
His little brother only wants to curl up in my arms.
Knotted hair and tears from the bathroom.
I do my best to help.
My best is usually good enough.
It all works out...

I drop my kids off at their house.
I wish I had time to actually take them to school.
Not today.
I have to go by the mechanic's and drop of my keys.
My car is being towed there today.
I can only hope that it isn't a huge repair.
I make it to school with time to spare.
The secretary has my paperwork ready for me to sign as usual.
Secretaries probably don't get paid enough for their excellence.
I find that I have many, many copies to make.
No matter.
It's all a part of the job, and I'm glad to be part of it all.
Everything is in order when the first of my first graders hit the class.
Here we go.
It all works out...

I ask if they usually say the Pledge of Allegiance.
No.
They usually do not.
Okay.
Well, we're going to do it anyway.
I'm sure someone died today in a foreign land for that flag.
We can take one minute and say the Pledge.
The subjects come and go.
Nothing troubling.
Lots of tattling.
Nothing troubling.
I can't find blank transparencies.
I use chalk on the blackboard.
Old School.
I smile and laugh to myself.
I send and receive texts in my free time.
Messages to and from friends that I love.
Love that is old and deep.
Friends that are old that hold love for me that steeps.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I love it all.
It all works out...

I am the stalwart sentry in the hall.
Mr. Cook with the soft heart but stern stare.
I know I am loved.
Still, I am there to provide structure.
I usher mine into the gym.
They are there to see weird animals.
I am there to see that they sit criss-cross applesauce, hips and lips.
Shhhh!
Bottom on the floor!
Under my breath and under my brow, all of it.
I get to pet the animals.
Ooos and ahhhs, giggles and pointed fingers.
I have always known how to play the part.
It's for the good of the pack.
But it warms my heart.
You must always find something to warm your heart.
Your heart has every chance to die.
You must never let that happen.
It all works out...

I run here and there, errands for the sake of errands.
I drive back home to pack up my children's clothes.
Their world in a bag, my heart in their every look.
I deliver and hug them all.
My oldest son jumps in our borrowed van.
We go to his weekly baseball coaching.
He loves it, loves it, loves it.
I love him, so I love it too.
I talk with one of my best friends about love and life.
It's our weekly pep talk to each other.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I find out my car repair will cost $600.
Not the news I wanted to hear.
It could be worse.
And encouragement never gets old.
It all works out...

I take my boyo to the restaurant where I work at night.
It's our usual Monday haunt.
He knows most of the staff.
He knows I consider them all family.
He's quite the gentleman too.
I am so proud of him.
He is me, if I was cool.
He is my hero.

In almost seven years he'll be the one old enough to die on foreign soil.

Time will fly too fast.
He orders a steak.
He turns eleven this summer.
I smile and laugh with him.
I have to talk to him about his grades.
His report card was not good.
I tell him I have to ground him from his video games.
I hate it.
I know they keep him safe and give him comfort.
I know they are his escape from a world that crashed around him almost two years ago.
I know he did not ask for it.
So, I hate doing this to him.
But I do it with a tender smile and with as much explanation as a ten year old will buy.

He's okay with it.
It all works out...

I take him home.
His house is upside down.
His younger siblings drag out too many toys.
The upstairs ends up downstairs.
It all ends up being chewed up by the dogs.
It's a little much for their mother.
My oldest daughter is escaping it all in the dining room.
She sits doing homework with headphones on.
I remember doing the same thing at my house.
There weren't any animals at my house.
My son has lost his iPod.
He swears it fell in the couch.
His mother starts to come unglued.
She marches upstairs.
I flip the couch over and carefully slit the lining underneath.
I reach in and find it.

The younger children start pulling out treasures from where the couch was.

Treasures amongst dust bunnies from hell.
I gently hand the iPod to my son.
She returns.
He gently hands it over to us.
At first she doesn't understand his gesture.
I explain that he is surrendering it, because he is grounded.
She turns to a vacuum cleaner and starts to unwind the cord.
I know she was doing homework when I came in.

I know she is bothered by the revealed mess under the couch.

I tell her that cleaning can wait.

I tell her I know she has work to do.

I hug her.

She begins to sob.
I tell her that she'll make it.
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
I know school is hard, and she's almost done.
It's affecting them all.
I can only do what I can do.
It's not my home.
It will all work out...

I go to my favorite local bar.
Just like the television show, they all know my name.
I have a drink.
There is a great live DVD being played.
The proprietor tells me that our side project will soon be under way.
He is having a bass built for me to play.
No doubt that it will be interesting.
Extremely fun, but interesting.

We've spent many evenings discussing music over a dark brew or two.

Or three.

Or four.

Closing time comes and goes, and those discussions never grow old.

But that's what two busted up music vets do.

It really does come to this.

At the present, he has to throw two people out of the bar.
I begin conversing with a wonderful person by text.
I post on facebook.
A world outside of my world where I talk about my world.
I think I would have benefited from such an outlet as an adolescent.
Police officers enter the bar.
They have received a call that patrons were just asked to leave by gunpoint.
Another patron flexes and asks if they were referring to his guns.
I laugh again.
I continue my text conversation.
I buy another drink.
I know I won't finish it.
I just don't feel like it.
Not tonight.
The day has been a strange one.
I want to go home.
I want to write.
I go out to the van.
I get inside and start playing Counting Crows on my phone.
I text my friend and tell her.
She says she loves Counting Crows.
I smile.
I laugh.
I love this life.
"I'm under the gun, round here..."
People need other people.
Encouragement never gets old.
It all works out...
Sometimes I just need a little while to figure out how to work it out.

Of Whom I Dream

I revel
In dreams
For which
I suffer
They supplement
Real life
But a hollow
Replacement for
The warmest
Softest
Deepest
Kiss from
The One
Who molded
My heart
Who hurt me
The most
Who inspired me
All the more
My muse
Of a lifetime
Who has loved me
Longer
Than most have
Been alive
But never again
Shall we ever
Feel the free
Wind that
Blew through
Her window
When we were
Both kids
When we thought
That life was
So simple
When cassettes
Captured promises
And daybeds
Captured lovers
It was golden
Seemed endless
But on the horizon
Crept slowly
The beginning
Of the rest
Of my life
A life that
Would refuse
Every time
Throughout the years
The possibility
That the two
Most deserving
Passionate and
Enduring
Soul mates should
Ever and anon
Be together and then
Scoff at our
Memories
Try to thwart
Simple little things
That bring such
Small joys
Such is the
Spite of life
And as such
I spit in the
Face of it
For I will not
Be robbed of
Happiness
Hopefulness
And love
For I know!
Yes, I know!
I have been told
By those
Beautiful lips
That no matter
Where I go
No matter
What I do
That I am loved
Forever
I am loved
By Her
I am loved
By Her
I am loved
By Her
Of whom
I dream

Excerpt: "Simple Something Sweet"

Follow me or
I'll Follow you
Back to where ends meet
Back where I met you
Simple something sweet
Simple something new
Someday mayhap I'll be there
Another crossed path with you

Untitled, Continued...

Hours spent
Pages rent
Trying to piece
Together the words that just don't
Seem to be
Anything that would
Ever move you
Closer to
Me
I've never ever felt
So far
Beneath
The place of another
That I cared for
With whom I wanted
To be

Untitled, To Be Continued...

I know
She doesn't know
That I believe
That she could be
The absolute
The most incredible
Beautiful
Woman that I have
Ever known
Forever raise her up
Never praise her enough
For everything
Carve her name
In stone
As the all time
Love of my life
But she doesn't know
Oh Lord!
Just let...
Just let
That change...

Aching for Winter

Aching for winter
I feel for her
I try for my last
Athen's stretch
I need it now
Because I know
In the darkest past
I lost it all
Aching for arms around
The whole of me
So much to be
More than a sketch
That will come to life
And close my eyes
And fly with me
When it's time to choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Early morning rendezvous
Frost all around
Flowers break
The only sound
Clearest sky blue frames her breath
I dare not show
That I know
And can see
That she aches for nothing more
What winter tore
It all from her...
Tore her from me?
Leaving her unsettled for
All and more
Yet wanting less
When she could choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

I pull her close to me
Aching to be
Something that
She needs
In some ways I understand
I was there before
I was swallowed and
Slept the winter away
Now I have my own demands
This is all, this is mine
This is now

This beautiful strife
Aching for winter, oh!
I feel for her
Because I know
We both can still choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Get Up and Go

Here are the lyrics for the final group presentation that Jessica Herring and I did for KIN 202.  The prompt was to give a presentation on why we should teach physical education in the classroom.  The video of our presentation can be found HERE.  Watch out next year for more from The Nasty Blessings!

Days are tough
Kids talk rough
Books are long
Answers wrong
What can we do?
Can we make it new?

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Movement in the class
Will help students feel better
About themselves even
In the muck of bad weather
It helps them relax, get over fights
If they’re stressed out, it turns on the lights
We can add extra miles to their lives
If we make them feel good

We need to teach about
The food kids are eating
But also ways to burn
The fuel that they’re needing
Pyramids are great but kids will eat cake
They need to know how they’re body grows
Teach them how activities burn
Extra calories.

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

To love for a lifetime
Our kids need healthy hearts
For the love of their hearts they need
Aerobic skills to start
Bring on the oxygen by stepping it up
Basketball, dancing, even walking’s enough
But teach them lifetime activities too
Like cleaning the house to the beat of a tune

Kids need to go –and they
Like to be free –but they
Need strong muscles –and
Flexibility
So let’s stretch their muscles –and then their
Muscles we’ll train
And all of this adds up
Because it jumpstarts their brain

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

We can help them live
Lives that are
Stronger
If we teach them skills
They can keep
Forever

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Age Appropriate

Bearing point

Breaking point

I've seen them the same

Mine own forgotten measure

Suspension of...

Well...

Prolonged belief?

Or maybe it's the

Affective embattlement

Just so...

Caught up in it all

Frightening emotions

Muddled justifications

Breathing intermittently

Passionately feasting

Picking and choosing

Razor sharp jagged shards

Placements guessed

Adjusted hastily

Fusing together

Mismatched edges

But aren't the colours

So marvelous!

So mesmerizing!

Ah, yes!

Passively convenient reasoning

Movement outside

Alarms ring out

Sense of hearing...

Muffled

Sense of feeling...

Prickly and tingling

Instinct and notions...

Paused and reeling

Knowing better

Does not matter

Matter of fact

It's better not knowing

I'm wearing it all out

Because I do not know

Maybe even don't care

What to wear...

That which is primed

Polished

Dazzling

Seductive...

Or dirty

Frazzled

Travel-worn

Covered in blood of

My all time

I really do not know

And in this all

I say my own name

Out loud...

Just to hear it said

And for a second

It means something

And then that second

...Passes

It joins all of the rest

That time takes back

As freely as it

Eternally surrenders

And I'm still here

Occupying a loaned space

Passing out handbills

Advertising the great

Carnival of Make-Believe

Yes, the one and the same

That I as a youngster

Stole entry through a tear

In a side panel

So, so decorated!

And now look at me

I've mended it myself

With threads of pretense

Marking myself

So clever

So meticulous

So...

Lowered

And...

Jaded

I can admit it

Or

I can hide it

Maybe I'm tired

Of fixing it

Maybe I'm tired

Of talking about it

Yes...

Very, very, very

Tired of talking about it

And so...

I look deep and hard

To draw it out and

Offer it up to be gone

Forever

I see lines that

Years have drawn

A foundation of all

That are yet to come

And maybe...

Maybe I'm okay...

For now...

For yet one more day

I'm still thirty-six.

CRUCES...20 years old this year?!?!

I was just considering that it will have been twenty years since Danny Wilson, Christopher Fouke, and myself started Cruces in September 1990. Matt Arms later joined after the new year with many other members passing through the ranks until the band called it quits in August of 2002. Seriously...twenty years? That's ridiculous. Just to woolgather, I uploaded "Spectacle of Sick Amusement" to the band's MySpace page a bit ago. It was recorded in September 1998 with me on vocals/guitar, Scott Doudera on bass, Eric Watkins on guitar/vocals, and Nate Blache on drums.

Spectacle of Sick Amusement (1998)

Take those words
Drag them through the sand
Take the water pour it down the ditch
Take a look at what pools at the end
Bring down your glass
Your favorite one you know the
One I'm talking about
Your favorite one
Dip it not once, not just twice
Dip it three times and smile
Hold your breath
And toss it in the air
Watch our world shatter
What the hell our love didn't matter
Let it reunite
With the sand

You
Why do you need me?
Why
Do you play with me?
For the spectacle?
For the better days?
Pleasure baby
But maybe
I can hold out
For something better
So take off that face

Dirt road of my creation
Guides your feet
Poison food I grow
Is the food you eat
You say so, so you know
That I believe
Every word you say
Is the life I need
Pinched nerves, nervous feelings
Cash in all of the above
And give it to the meek
Who understand a little more about love
Just take your shit to nowhere
That's somewhere that I won't be
You thought I could take a joke
But that joke took everything from me

You

Why do you need me?

Why

Do you play with me?

For the spectacle?

For the better days?

Pleasure baby

But maybe

I can hold out

For something better

So take off that face

Tremble Bare

I thought I had posted the lyrics to Tremble Bare some time ago, but I guess not! At Val's request, here they are! Check out the tune if you haven't done so at Heavy Wishing's MySpace page.

Blanket more
It’s lonely warmth for now
Isolate
Don’t know better at what else
Tremble bare
Put off all the sounds
Flicker stars
Dance behind my sore closed eyes

Narrow view
From my side
Distance you
Must abide
You must know
That I want
Nothing more
Than you

Miserable
It’s a word I loathe to hear
Ventured thought
That it will never be the if
How to know?
I was never good at that
But I trust
That it will all soon turn around

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

I can hear the wind
It blows outside
I can hear your watch
It all feels right
The room it fades
I drift away
We Tremble Bare

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

Serenity's Edge v1.2

Breathtaking trapeze

No safety below

The touch, the first, the need

Do we dare to show?

Stand above the sea

I gaze at your breath

You motion to me

"The sky is on fire!" you gasp

All the color you see

The beauty, the pain, the depth

Still you wonder at me

"How can you love me?" you ask

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

As the sun hides I see

You look down and smile

"Just forget it," you say

And turn away

I reach out to grab you

My footing gives way

the beauty, the pain, the depth

I awake --alone

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

Encounter

Improvisation

The honest carouse

Senses askew

Tumble on down

The stuff the tuft

Smatter and laughter

Dizzy smeared looks

Cursory glance

Patchwork face

All the over

Something about

Never mind

All stop

Locked