Brasserie

I have cast
A frail and thin
Cloak around
My skin
And dream of once when
I entered in
A place so warm
With friends
With smells of bread
Rich drafts of mirth
So rich it took
My sight
I supped and drank
To my heart’s content
I cried tears of
Delight
We sang for love
We sang for health
We sang with all
Our might
There was no count
Of hours past
So stretched a long
Good night
Now memory is
So cruel to me
As I walk in cold
Tonight
I wonder if
I’ll ever see
Again
That lovely sight
I keep walking
I keep searching
I need something
I am fading

I'm Here Now

I'm here now
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
There is no direction
Nothing outlined for me
So I'm just trying my best
Feeling around in this dark
Trying to make out which
Ray of light to follow
Very fearful that the most
Beautiful is nothing but an
Illusion that has my heart
Bound in a perpetual loop of
Exhaustive hopefulness
Some nights I laugh
Some nights I scream
I'm here now!
Why can't you see me?
Or do you and it's just
Something else over which
I have no control and the
Clouds that surround the
Issues won't part for me
And the light in which I believed
Slowly fades into nothingness
And for the first time in a long time
I start to doubt because
The stops have all been pulled out
My words have all been spelled out
My plans have all been played out
And I am left with the nothing that
I've had for so long
And in that passage of time
That will be added to all of the rest
I quietly mourn what I honestly
Believe should have transpired
Because I'm here now
Still alone
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
Just because down the road
In that most incredible place
That is most illuminated
By your ray of light
I'm still that fool that
Believes that there is a chance
A slim chance in this
Murky sea of futility
That you'll have me
And I'm just left saying
Ever meekly and simply
I'm here now

"In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for
And all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize
If I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know
I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for
And all you need
I picture you fast asleep
The nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone
Who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I've been caught in between all you wish for
and all you need
Maybe you're not even sure
What it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

One Month

Monstrously
Razzmatazz amazingly
Surely feverishly
Inexplicably
Adamantly
Wonderfully
Unreasonably
By far unseasonably
A parting of the seas for me
Hail that cab for you
Bow to the night for me
Interestingly
Never effortlessly
Abiding by the rules
Accordingly
Tripping into you
Crashingly
Smashingly
Try me and take me
Earnestly
Sweetly
Softly
Wait then wait then
Reach to the sky
Open-heartedly
Heatedly
Passionately
Forever intensely
Enigmatically
Finally
For the sanity
Of you and me
For all time
That we both see
That we shouldn't be
Walking through this life
Unhappily
It really can be so easily
Remedied so stand
so tall then run to me
Like Hell is lapping
At your feet
You will find your strength
And stare out at the world
With eyes stronger than me
I can see you now
Hear you now
Telling your story so
Vividly
Convincingly
Matira Beach I can see
Such a nice thing to dream
All because of your simple smile
Digitally and sincerely
From you to me

Such Beauty Gone

I want to be
A mountain stream
That flows down from
The highest of peaks
I would cleanse
All places of darkness I would
Do this all
Unseen
I want to be
The tallest of trees
I would protect
All who needed me
I could give
Shelter and more
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

I want to be
A circle of stars
A crown in the heavens
Seen from Earth
I would show
The lost the way
I would guide
Their path
I want to be
A great stone hearth
That brings a fire
To the world
None would go cold
I would stay and never go
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

Illusion of Elusiveness

High order concern
Superfluous thoughts
Brain hurricane
Lingering worries
The binding restraints
Of the situation
Sleep deprivation
Emotive starvation
But processing it all
Reflection and translation
An easy to see function
I marvel at our likeness
Knowing the answer
Afraid to say it
Too soon too early too much
But still...
Cannot second guess
The strikingly obvious
The honest observation
Complexity colored with
Hues of simplicity
While not diminishing
The struggle and anguish
The seemingly onerous decision
This fall harvest of emotion
Double edge of what is fair
But oh! think of your needs
Sedative of heart and mind
That above all is paramount
Do not leave yourself
See the strength I see
See the beauty I see
And have courage
Transcend
Have peace
Sleep

Like Nothing Ever Happened

Take the trip
Back to town
To remember when you
Wanted the finer things
Oh! the cotton blends of
Life so fast
You wanted in
But then you never
Had the chance to
Hang on so you
Went on your own trip
Through the stars
Mapped how you like
Yet in it all
Something wasn't right
So you looked to the four
Corners of the room
That you're soaking in
'Cause it seems
New now and then
You say that some things
Can't be shared
And you're scared that
You could be right

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

The disappearing
Laughs and smiles
That you owned
Now traded in for
Rough ends and the
Dreading of
Turning into
The lost episode
That no one will
Ever watch
And it's so real
Like the wind went still
And the leaves
That were your life
Begin to fall

(No sand castles
No skipping thrills
No slush-ball kills
Everything
Taken
Away...
Grab hold
Embrace it
Remember
Forever)

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

dgc '98

I am the Phoenix

I was dead but
I am still aware
I am careful to consider
I am full of emotion
I will rise again today
I was empty but
I am alive with desire
I am stored up with passion
I am willing to wait
I will win a smile today
I was the sacrifice but
I am reassembling
I am reconstituting
I am reconstructing
I will be of clear mind and conscience
I was fearful of new feelings
I am now firm in what I want
I am brimming full in my heart
I am ready for today
I am ready to see new beauty
I am ready to taste new love
I am ready to hear new whispers
I am ready to touch a new kindness
I am ready now
I am ready for today
I am the phoenix

Road Trip into the Sun

This a road long ago traveled
Maybe completely unknown
It is hard to tell
Hard to see
Surely there are markers
But in this blur unseen
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Where there were torrents of rain
Now the sun is too bright
The weather almost too fair
Am I hopelessly open?
Too purposefully unguarded?
Earnest and willing?
Speeding and speeding and speeding
I just feel like exploding though!
It is so difficult to explain
A puffed up searing in my chest
The thought of touching something
So illuminated in perpetuity
How can I possibly slow down?
But was not common sense
Made for times like this?
Yet did I ever or have I ever
Really ever subscribed to that?
Spontaneity and a robust desire
Have never served ill my
Honest and hopeful intentions
But there is that floating fear
That pervades throughout my mind
That intercepts and tries to derail
My most minute attempts at happiness
That fear that leaves me considering that
All of this...
Every fine porcelain facet of this
Is nothing more than an
Evanescent dream
Something that I was not meant to have
Something meant for someone else
Of which I will never be worthy
A fear I will never set foot
Out of this wilderness
But it just cannot be!
As much as I fear it
Even so much greater
Is my adamant denial of that fear
So much so that I know
Deep down in my heart
That there is a possibility
There is the chance
However small
However unlikely
That I might touch this light
Bathe in its warmth
Even if I risk burning alive
Just to give back...
To give all of what I am...
Unashamed
Unrestricted
Uninhibited
With no concern of
Mutual exchange
Just knowing that
I am making a difference
Knowing that I am bringing
Joy and happiness
To another
In my mind it is an abolute
So undeniably worth it
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Just to make it in time
To be able to once again say
I love you.

Pause and Apprehension

I can smell it...
I can almost feel it...
I know it is there
A new breeze
Though faint I know it is there
Because I have heard its voice
I have heard its song
And I just keep waiting and waiting
And the candles are burning down
And fear is creeping around my mind
And that fear has only stolen aboard
By way of an older and less promising
Harsh wind of the past
Guiltless and remorseless
A wind that was full of promises
But turned everything barren
In its wake and is now rearing
Its face once again
Selfishness in spite of my pain
And so now I am here
Almost in the dark
Trying so desperately
To shield myself
Trying so hard
To keep the door open
For just a bit longer
Just a few moments longer
Hoping and waiting
Waiting and hoping
That the new breeze
Has not disappeared
But will return
To scatter the dark
To open up the sky
To bring change
To tell me it will be alright
To save me

The Wind and the Gray

Some mention of loss
Vague and off to the side
Silent and lithe
So dear to my sight
Foot fall and stop
Broken lips more than not
A sad picture says all
But that’s not what I see

They may see
What did never mend
They may tell
Of what they heard and then
They may propose
The sordid rumored end
They may all serve
Themselves forever ill

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

The stress of why
And how it all comes down
The questions mount
You say to yourself that it all just doesn't make
Sense and senses you start to doubt
Yourself and all you’re scared to allow
To happen how it may oh dear just let
What might be just natural play out

I don’t see
What did never mend
You told me all
I need to know and then
I may propose
A very different end
Different from them
Different from him

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

Wind and the Gray - DGC 10/31/09

Was

Finally home and it's all finished
I look back for love of fiction I wish
That somewhere back there I don't know when
Maybe what if we had waited, you know who's to say
The brighter side could've taken hold
Maybe obliterate the thought of being old
It's hard now, so hard now
Good and evil both farewell

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

Late summer trip out East
I really, really wanted to believe
The air was different, the sun was different
We were both there and it didn't make a difference
That three days went by so fast
And the next three years were a blinding crash
This star has died sucking in the dreams
Now my course has changed and what was has ceased

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

I will push further and further
This will break cleaner and faster
I will wait for another
I alone will shake this disaster

DGC 1998

Whenever I Fall

Washing cycle carries on
The candles have all gone to bed
Sitting criss-cross on the floor
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
No expectation to lasso the moon
I do not even know what time it is
Staring at a shadow that will not move
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
The carpet tells no tale of running feet
The refrigerator echos near empty
Small voices remember me from across the town
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
I know the rain will bite and gnaw
I know time is green-eyed and chasing me
How strange the new now I miss the most
And I'm dreaming of a friendly voice

"Lolo Sang" by Ida

All the time we spent running
From the war, from the deluge
I was sure that I would see you
Once again, once again
Didn’t know if you were looking
For a highway or a room
Or the promise of some refuge
Or a good friend to help you though
Oh the days are getting shorter
And the wild flowers take the wind
And I hear the night birds singing
Will I see your face again?
Long ago on an island
Where the rice fields meet the sky
Lolo drank with his brothers
Played guitar, sang and cried
All this time I was searching
For a home I could not see
I just knew I didn’t belong here
Then you finally came to me
Oh my babe I truly love you
More than these words could ever say
And I know we’re just passing through here
But there’s no place I’d rather stay

Late Blues

if i get lost along the way to meet you
if i'm more than a little late
if i get caught up in circles chasing my own tail
if i trip up and fail you
if i let you down
if i let you down

i can see that injury that accompanies the passage of years
i can try to rationalize the accumulation of fears
and the dreams that draw a song in pursuit of the end of time
and the grace that illuminates the path
if i let you down
if i let you down

in the night the city's quiet
from the rooftop we can see the moon rise high above the clouds
just enough light to see our faces give expression to the words we thought but didn't speak
and then you asked me a question that i won't forget
even if i spend my life trying to live up to what it means
if i let you down
if i let you down

don't let it break down
don't let it break down

Late Blues ~ ida (2008)

After Dinner

Elena: Mommy? Why do we say, "May I be Ets-stused?"
Emily: Well, that's what we say when we're polite.
Rohan: That's what fancy people say, and eventually, I will become fancy.
Emily: Rohan, you're adorable.
Elena: Rohan, someday a hot durl is dowing to marry you!

I am the Rain King

Wow...I'm worn out, but I thank God for the energy I seem to have in reserve. I've been so happy that I've been able to squeeze in workouts the last two nights. Hopefully I can keep it up. With the chiropractic and massage visits a couple times a week, the hip is starting to come around enough that I've been able to do these workouts. Not to dismiss all of the stretching and heat and cold treatments that I do about three times a day. We'll see what happens Friday. I'm supposed to go skate and hit a couple local skateparks with my old friend, Kevin Bearden before we run up to St. Louis to see the Counting Crows. We haven't hung out together in almost twenty years. I'm really excited about seeing them, because it will be my first time. Yeah, I know. Actually, Kevin and some other friends camped out for tickets back in '92 or '93, and for some reason I skipped out on the whole deal. Finally, after all these years I'm going to make up for it. What's funny is that the last time that I went skating with Kevin and my buddies and then went to see a concert was when we saw Poison in Cape Girardeu in '90. Brittney Fox opened. Rich, huh? Let's see...then the Fourth is the next day with some grilling out. Then I'm singing at church on Sunday, so I won't be screaming Friday night along with the masses under the Arch. Hopefully my body will stay together so I can start painting trim next week.

The cuteness of Elena continues...

I'm in the dining room working on some tabs, and Elena comes in and says that she's "humbry." As much as I love that word, I correct her and ask her to politely ask for something to eat. I then get her a Lunchable out of the fridge, unpack it, and hand it to her. She asks, "Am I going to eat this in the living room?" I say, "Sure, just be careful." She then smiles and roles her eyes and replies, "This is going to be sooooo insane!"

Another Elena-ism

Elena: Daddy do you want to see what I drawed?

Daddy: Sure.

Elena: See?!

Daddy: Oh! That's wonderful!

Elena: Do you want to see what Allie drawed!

Daddy: Sure.

Elena: See?!

Daddy: That's great! Hey, do you know how we say that? We say, "drew." So, I draw my picture, but I drew it yesterday. So, see what I can draw? See what I just drew? So, can you say drew? Say drew.

Elena: Drooled!

Daddy: Umm...yeah, good job.

Summer Is Here

I know if I told a story about finding a penny, someone could tell one about finding a quarter, but for me, the penny is enough. Having said that, our summer is shaping up to be quite busy, and I'm hoping that we can find a groove and settle into it.

Rohan and Elena start tennis tomorrow which lasts until late July. Elena's age group starts at 8 a.m. and goes until 10 a.m., which is when Rohan's begins and his goes until noon. The question that I have, which will be answered tomorrow, is will I be able to take Rohan early and can Elena stay late? The latter I seriously doubt. I can't imagine someone being there to supervise four year olds away from the lessons.

Rohan also begins baseball camp tomorrow. He has to register at the same time Elena is registering. I just informed Emily that there's no way I can be in two places at the same time. I think she agreed to take Elena, and then turned off her nightstand light and rolled over. His baseball camp only lasts for three days though. Also, Allie starts a three day pom-pon clinic this week, which I think may go from 1 until 4 p.m. That shouldn't be too bad. Rohan has a couple games this week as well, but of course they're in the evening. It's crazy to think that his season is almost at the halfway make. Only about three more weeks I think.

The craziness will set in next week when my classes begin. I have to leave soon after 10 a.m. to be able to get to Carbondale and make it into class by 11 a.m. My last of two classes lets out by 1 p.m., so that at least isn't too bad. However, I'll be depending on my dad to get the kids back and forth to whatever they're doing. During that week, Rohan starts a four day basketball camp. Just like the baseball camp, it ends when he's supposed to be starting his tennis session. We'll just have to see how my dad holds up to the pressure.

On top of all of this, Rohan has started going to Hit Repair for pitching and hitting instruction from Cory Baily and Bob Simpson. It's only once a week and so far he loves it. He's got a heck of a lot more confidence than I did as a child. As long as he likes what he's doing, we're all for it.

Allie will only have one more pom camp later in July, which will be an all day affair for one week. So in comparison, her summer load is pretty light. If only she were sixteen and had a license, she could be running some of the kids around. Ah, but day will come, and probably too soon.

Through all of this, Emily is starting up classes too, as well as still working crazy hours. I only pray that she continues to keep her sanity as I try to keep mine. I think we're going to live for the first two weeks in August, when neither of us have classes and the kids won't be doing anything. Maybe we can all go on a family getaway for one weekend.

Somewhere in all of that we need to fit in potty training, VBS, getting the house repaired, getting Elena back into violin lessons, and plain living. Hmm. It's all relative I guess. Next summer will be busier, I suppose, and the next even moreso, and so on. I do hope that I'm never too busy to stop and reflect on how blessed we are. It is all so very wonderful.