I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.