Ardor

My head it searchingly aches

My eyes close just to wait

And I want just

One thing...

My heart pounds within my throat

My stomach is afloat

And I want just

One thing...

This room is getting smaller

As the night grows longer

And I want just

One thing...

Such prolonged pendulousness

A dare will only best

And I want just

One thing...

If only prescience were mine

Warmest solace divine

And I want just

One thing...

But the unknown still taunts

All the maybes still haunt

And I want just

One thing...

Amber memories in flame

Desires whisper a name

And I want

Just one thing...

I am ardent and fervent

Zealous and determined

And I want

Just one thing...

I want

You

i've never wanted for much, but...this is one of those times...I just want to freeze this feeling...and keep it...stowed away...for all-time. Yeah.

I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.

I'll be sad when Elena loses her speech impediment

Elena walks into my room holding a Star Wars blaster and says, "Daddy! We are de tops, and we're going to arrest you! Shoot'im Riddit!" Riddick starts yelling, like he's snapping into a Slim Jim, and Elena marks me with the red laser from the toy gun and shouts, "Oooo! Daddy! Der's a lady bud on you!"

Restore

I posted the lyrics to Restore as a note on Facebook some time ago. I've been watching the video of me performing the song to consider different approaches to the vocal line, and it just got me thinking about the song content in general, and how much it really means to me. I wrote this song last year on Riddick's birthday, which is on the 31st of this month. It is actually a very personal song, whereas I write a lot of songs for and about people that I'm close to. It delves into my heritage, both distant and near. Around the time that I wrote Restore, I wrote about twelve other songs, and like I said before, they were not autobiographical. However, it's very surreal to look back at the lyrics of those songs and consider how prophetic some of them were...for now, in lieu of recent major life changes, they hit really close to home. Art truly does imitate life...even when you least expect it. Now more than ever, I want to get in the studio and get this album over and done with. It will be a major cathartic experience, and one that I will not ever want to return to again.

Restore

I will sit on smooth dirt floor
I will dream of something more
I will leave all of my friends
I will return never again

I will put my foot on shore
I will last I will endure
I will walk into the wind
I will fall in love again

Restore Me

I will break through tundra’s back
I will sing across that land
I will taste from Siberian stream
I will wake in Peter’s dream

I will look across a farm
I will grip my lover’s arm
I will promise a precious lie
I taste her kiss one last time

Restore Me

I will walk down from the hill
I will erase every kill
I will yearn to be at home
With the one who will never know

I will swim in youth so real
My brothers all alive and well
I will race into a house
The wall turns red the laughter stilled

Restore Me

I will lie in a room so cold
With faces worth more than gold
I will smile and meet every eye
Surrender all the past I know

I will climb into the hills
I will breath in all the chill
I will touch every hand
That reaches down from Glory land

Restore Me

Reset

Skin cracked
Along the fingerprint
It heals...
Cracks again...
It's an endless cycle
At least in the winter
But afterward it's good
For a very long while
Then as always is the case
The weather changes back
And then cracked again
And I always forget
How to deal with it
Like it's new
And my brain wonders
Why it even bothers
Because I'll never learn
And I mean never
In the sense of never
So I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I realize that some
Beginnings quickly end
And some endings
Seek new beginnings
And it's okay to be tired
It's okay to be numb
It's okay to feel sick over it
It's okay to...
Just let it all go
It's cracked skin
I use my hands a lot
So what can I do?
I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I keep telling myself
That it won't happen
The same way again
And I wait
And massage my broken skin
With fingers cracked anew
And wonder

Marais des Cygnes

Seriously though
Is it all in some way of
Trying to reconcile
With the lack of action and
Feeling and emotion
And all of the above
Of everything that maybe you
Feel that in the long run of
Another day in time
You might leave this place
This last place of Bleeding
Before the Lost Cause
You just might consider
Trading in all of the
Nonsense and fever pitch
The non-such and for once
Letting something or
Someone take care of you
Away from it all?
Well, I have always
Considered the fail-safe
Of better late than never
But these days I fear
Never like I've never feared
Anything in my life
Which is running away from it all
And I just might consider
Trading in all of it
Because the frustration
That I feel is starting to
Pull me away from this
So most amazing
Intrinsic beautiful
Blow apart the stars
In the face of it all
Powerful feeling even though
I don't want to go...
I really don't.
But as much as I live
That life is one that has
Always had a need to feel
And share and want and give
And that is what it is
And that is what I've always been
And if that is something that
Scares you then I really
Wish you would just let me know
So I could change course because
I don't want too-lates
Sneaking up on me from
Behind and tapping me on my
Shoulder just to laugh in my
Face as I turn around for yet
Another round of let-downs
In the wake of the world
Passing me by with everyone
That I know looking down
At me from their window seat
That they purchased when I
Thought I knew it all...
When I thought I had it
All figured out...
And now I know that I will
Never have it figured out
Only because it is relative
And I'm pretty sure that
I don't see it in the same way
As anyone else on this planet
And although I had hoped
That you would agree
And maybe I really do believe
That you do in fact see
What I see and know what
I know and sing what I sing
So it would so pain me to admit
And to see it would make me sick
You may just be content to
Settle for mediocrity
And I cannot and will not
March to the beat of the
World's drummer because
I would loathe myself
And the hand that clasps
That hand is the one that
Touches me deep and
Smooths out all of my
Scars and checks my mental
Notes and holds tight as
I tell myself
I just don't think that
I can survive to see into
The long run of
Another day in time
And very soon I honestly
Dread that day that will
Open up with a monologue
That my heart is shoving
Down my throat that simply
Has two words written on it
It says,"Say goodbye"
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes

Brasserie

I have cast
A frail and thin
Cloak around
My skin
And dream of once when
I entered in
A place so warm
With friends
With smells of bread
Rich drafts of mirth
So rich it took
My sight
I supped and drank
To my heart’s content
I cried tears of
Delight
We sang for love
We sang for health
We sang with all
Our might
There was no count
Of hours past
So stretched a long
Good night
Now memory is
So cruel to me
As I walk in cold
Tonight
I wonder if
I’ll ever see
Again
That lovely sight
I keep walking
I keep searching
I need something
I am fading

I'm Here Now

I'm here now
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
There is no direction
Nothing outlined for me
So I'm just trying my best
Feeling around in this dark
Trying to make out which
Ray of light to follow
Very fearful that the most
Beautiful is nothing but an
Illusion that has my heart
Bound in a perpetual loop of
Exhaustive hopefulness
Some nights I laugh
Some nights I scream
I'm here now!
Why can't you see me?
Or do you and it's just
Something else over which
I have no control and the
Clouds that surround the
Issues won't part for me
And the light in which I believed
Slowly fades into nothingness
And for the first time in a long time
I start to doubt because
The stops have all been pulled out
My words have all been spelled out
My plans have all been played out
And I am left with the nothing that
I've had for so long
And in that passage of time
That will be added to all of the rest
I quietly mourn what I honestly
Believe should have transpired
Because I'm here now
Still alone
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
Just because down the road
In that most incredible place
That is most illuminated
By your ray of light
I'm still that fool that
Believes that there is a chance
A slim chance in this
Murky sea of futility
That you'll have me
And I'm just left saying
Ever meekly and simply
I'm here now

"In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for
And all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize
If I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know
I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for
And all you need
I picture you fast asleep
The nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone
Who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I've been caught in between all you wish for
and all you need
Maybe you're not even sure
What it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

One Month

Monstrously
Razzmatazz amazingly
Surely feverishly
Inexplicably
Adamantly
Wonderfully
Unreasonably
By far unseasonably
A parting of the seas for me
Hail that cab for you
Bow to the night for me
Interestingly
Never effortlessly
Abiding by the rules
Accordingly
Tripping into you
Crashingly
Smashingly
Try me and take me
Earnestly
Sweetly
Softly
Wait then wait then
Reach to the sky
Open-heartedly
Heatedly
Passionately
Forever intensely
Enigmatically
Finally
For the sanity
Of you and me
For all time
That we both see
That we shouldn't be
Walking through this life
Unhappily
It really can be so easily
Remedied so stand
so tall then run to me
Like Hell is lapping
At your feet
You will find your strength
And stare out at the world
With eyes stronger than me
I can see you now
Hear you now
Telling your story so
Vividly
Convincingly
Matira Beach I can see
Such a nice thing to dream
All because of your simple smile
Digitally and sincerely
From you to me

Such Beauty Gone

I want to be
A mountain stream
That flows down from
The highest of peaks
I would cleanse
All places of darkness I would
Do this all
Unseen
I want to be
The tallest of trees
I would protect
All who needed me
I could give
Shelter and more
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

I want to be
A circle of stars
A crown in the heavens
Seen from Earth
I would show
The lost the way
I would guide
Their path
I want to be
A great stone hearth
That brings a fire
To the world
None would go cold
I would stay and never go
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

Illusion of Elusiveness

High order concern
Superfluous thoughts
Brain hurricane
Lingering worries
The binding restraints
Of the situation
Sleep deprivation
Emotive starvation
But processing it all
Reflection and translation
An easy to see function
I marvel at our likeness
Knowing the answer
Afraid to say it
Too soon too early too much
But still...
Cannot second guess
The strikingly obvious
The honest observation
Complexity colored with
Hues of simplicity
While not diminishing
The struggle and anguish
The seemingly onerous decision
This fall harvest of emotion
Double edge of what is fair
But oh! think of your needs
Sedative of heart and mind
That above all is paramount
Do not leave yourself
See the strength I see
See the beauty I see
And have courage
Transcend
Have peace
Sleep

Like Nothing Ever Happened

Take the trip
Back to town
To remember when you
Wanted the finer things
Oh! the cotton blends of
Life so fast
You wanted in
But then you never
Had the chance to
Hang on so you
Went on your own trip
Through the stars
Mapped how you like
Yet in it all
Something wasn't right
So you looked to the four
Corners of the room
That you're soaking in
'Cause it seems
New now and then
You say that some things
Can't be shared
And you're scared that
You could be right

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

The disappearing
Laughs and smiles
That you owned
Now traded in for
Rough ends and the
Dreading of
Turning into
The lost episode
That no one will
Ever watch
And it's so real
Like the wind went still
And the leaves
That were your life
Begin to fall

(No sand castles
No skipping thrills
No slush-ball kills
Everything
Taken
Away...
Grab hold
Embrace it
Remember
Forever)

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

dgc '98

I am the Phoenix

I was dead but
I am still aware
I am careful to consider
I am full of emotion
I will rise again today
I was empty but
I am alive with desire
I am stored up with passion
I am willing to wait
I will win a smile today
I was the sacrifice but
I am reassembling
I am reconstituting
I am reconstructing
I will be of clear mind and conscience
I was fearful of new feelings
I am now firm in what I want
I am brimming full in my heart
I am ready for today
I am ready to see new beauty
I am ready to taste new love
I am ready to hear new whispers
I am ready to touch a new kindness
I am ready now
I am ready for today
I am the phoenix

Road Trip into the Sun

This a road long ago traveled
Maybe completely unknown
It is hard to tell
Hard to see
Surely there are markers
But in this blur unseen
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Where there were torrents of rain
Now the sun is too bright
The weather almost too fair
Am I hopelessly open?
Too purposefully unguarded?
Earnest and willing?
Speeding and speeding and speeding
I just feel like exploding though!
It is so difficult to explain
A puffed up searing in my chest
The thought of touching something
So illuminated in perpetuity
How can I possibly slow down?
But was not common sense
Made for times like this?
Yet did I ever or have I ever
Really ever subscribed to that?
Spontaneity and a robust desire
Have never served ill my
Honest and hopeful intentions
But there is that floating fear
That pervades throughout my mind
That intercepts and tries to derail
My most minute attempts at happiness
That fear that leaves me considering that
All of this...
Every fine porcelain facet of this
Is nothing more than an
Evanescent dream
Something that I was not meant to have
Something meant for someone else
Of which I will never be worthy
A fear I will never set foot
Out of this wilderness
But it just cannot be!
As much as I fear it
Even so much greater
Is my adamant denial of that fear
So much so that I know
Deep down in my heart
That there is a possibility
There is the chance
However small
However unlikely
That I might touch this light
Bathe in its warmth
Even if I risk burning alive
Just to give back...
To give all of what I am...
Unashamed
Unrestricted
Uninhibited
With no concern of
Mutual exchange
Just knowing that
I am making a difference
Knowing that I am bringing
Joy and happiness
To another
In my mind it is an abolute
So undeniably worth it
Speeding and speeding and speeding
Just to make it in time
To be able to once again say
I love you.

Pause and Apprehension

I can smell it...
I can almost feel it...
I know it is there
A new breeze
Though faint I know it is there
Because I have heard its voice
I have heard its song
And I just keep waiting and waiting
And the candles are burning down
And fear is creeping around my mind
And that fear has only stolen aboard
By way of an older and less promising
Harsh wind of the past
Guiltless and remorseless
A wind that was full of promises
But turned everything barren
In its wake and is now rearing
Its face once again
Selfishness in spite of my pain
And so now I am here
Almost in the dark
Trying so desperately
To shield myself
Trying so hard
To keep the door open
For just a bit longer
Just a few moments longer
Hoping and waiting
Waiting and hoping
That the new breeze
Has not disappeared
But will return
To scatter the dark
To open up the sky
To bring change
To tell me it will be alright
To save me

The Wind and the Gray

Some mention of loss
Vague and off to the side
Silent and lithe
So dear to my sight
Foot fall and stop
Broken lips more than not
A sad picture says all
But that’s not what I see

They may see
What did never mend
They may tell
Of what they heard and then
They may propose
The sordid rumored end
They may all serve
Themselves forever ill

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

The stress of why
And how it all comes down
The questions mount
You say to yourself that it all just doesn't make
Sense and senses you start to doubt
Yourself and all you’re scared to allow
To happen how it may oh dear just let
What might be just natural play out

I don’t see
What did never mend
You told me all
I need to know and then
I may propose
A very different end
Different from them
Different from him

Simple wind
Simple gray
Unmistakable smell of a
Summer rain
I can’t tell
What I believe
But you are here
And I see
Simple lines
Simple means
Unmistakable fear of a
Friend in need
So I can’t tell
You what to believe
But you are here
And I see

Wind and the Gray - DGC 10/31/09

Was

Finally home and it's all finished
I look back for love of fiction I wish
That somewhere back there I don't know when
Maybe what if we had waited, you know who's to say
The brighter side could've taken hold
Maybe obliterate the thought of being old
It's hard now, so hard now
Good and evil both farewell

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

Late summer trip out East
I really, really wanted to believe
The air was different, the sun was different
We were both there and it didn't make a difference
That three days went by so fast
And the next three years were a blinding crash
This star has died sucking in the dreams
Now my course has changed and what was has ceased

Time doesn't exist for me
Forgotten gone away I'll envy
For what I am known for what I will be
Means absolutely nothing
Absolutely nothing

I will push further and further
This will break cleaner and faster
I will wait for another
I alone will shake this disaster

DGC 1998

Whenever I Fall

Washing cycle carries on
The candles have all gone to bed
Sitting criss-cross on the floor
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
No expectation to lasso the moon
I do not even know what time it is
Staring at a shadow that will not move
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
The carpet tells no tale of running feet
The refrigerator echos near empty
Small voices remember me from across the town
And I am thinking about a friendly voice
I know the rain will bite and gnaw
I know time is green-eyed and chasing me
How strange the new now I miss the most
And I'm dreaming of a friendly voice