The Quiet Sustain

(work in progress)

Hey Mark, what were you
Saying the other day?
Wait...that was
Twelve years ago
Just like then I am
Lonelier today
Except now
You're gone
I promise I listened
To you
I always sang
Along
I saw your words
In colors soft and true
That you will sing
No more

I bet she is
Sitting at home
Mark, do you think
There's still hope?
She flies
Then she hides
And I no longer
Know
The pain
I feel
Has no place
To go

Four-Fifteen Sherry Pain

I'm in the dark

Monitor glows

Beautiful faces

Reflect the light

Heavy breathing

Small and precious

This is where

I Want to be

With them

Always

Of course I know

That is not how it works

But I still cherish

The moment

I still cherish

Their sounds

This is our last night

In this house

I'm ready to leave

I died here

I was born here

I will leave nothing

I will take nothing

I just want to be

With them

Always

And that can be

Anywhere in the world

The Lie

Air so sweet the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of the all engulf me

And it builds some more

Pull so close in binding

Breathe that breath to claim

Standard of a sensual chorus

So easy to stay this way

Worried echoes of angels

Laughter that chances to dare

Muster of wanton naivete

And it builds some more

Cries in dark embracing

Flesh slides smooth and bare

Consuming and creating

Promise to stay this way

Refrains of breathing waiting

Rhythm of smiles and stares

Pains and water breaking

And it builds some more

Cries in water embracing

Blood and tears so pure

Newest breath so tiny

It must always be this way

Mold the world to take it

Contain the sun to share

Still soft the touch to invite

And it builds some more

Glow of noontide embracing

Replay of practiced stares

One sincere the other maybe

It might always be this way

Hint of summer failing

Shadow of pensive malaise

Torn banner of a wistful chorus

The song is sung no more

Chimes that seem much louder

Where laughter used to raise

Stares no longer linger

It must always be this way

Proposition of a sunset

Blunt incision to fillet

Choking wailing convulsing

It starts to falter more

Rush to build salvation

Exhaustive tears unsure

Surely some feelings still linger

Bargaining to keep it this way

Emptiness of expulsion

Stupefied sickened dazed

Wondering how it all happened

It can never be anymore

Air so bitter the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of cold engulf me

A lie is all that stays

Velvet

Just when I thought

Everything was gone

Out of nowhere

You appeared

I would be lying

If I said

I didn't fall for you

From the first time I saw you

The fire beside us

The silence around us

I could have stayed

With you for hours

The velvet of your voice

The glaze of your eyes

Caught me by surprise

Lost and mesmerized

The curve of your lips

And the glow on your skin

I'll never recover

Engraved in my mind

Can't bear to think

About walking through this life

Not seeing your smile

That cruel fate denies

What darkness may come

What goodness may go

I'll always remember

I'll never let go

demo on YouTube

Luster

I'm posting this tonight for a friend. I wrote "Luster" sometime in '04 I believe. It was both autobiographical and modeled after similar experiences in some of my friends' lives. And just now I was thinking about a conversation I had tonight with a good friend, and this song crossed my mind, so...this is for you A.

Air so close
Haze all I see
There you are perfect
Stock smile in front of me
How do you choose
The promises to break?
How do you choose
Which ones to keep?

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

Eyes burn with sweat
I hardly breathe
Never a look I give
You seem to see
I know I have free will
All the memories I could kill
But for what?
It's all too hard for me

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

I thought I heard
You say alright
But I couldn't be
For sure
Oh, but then
You would just
Lie again
To me

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

"Little Things" by Pomplamoose

sorting all the lights and darks

making sure our love won't lose that spark

you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take

dinner out instead of shake'n'bake

you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines

filling our heads with dreams

but love is the little things

love changes everything.

picking me up after work

putting up with all my silly quirks

you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great

while you try to hide a stomach ache

you really didn't have to.

Check out Pomplamoose at: http://www.myspace.com/pomplamoosemusic

Ardor

My head it searchingly aches

My eyes close just to wait

And I want just

One thing...

My heart pounds within my throat

My stomach is afloat

And I want just

One thing...

This room is getting smaller

As the night grows longer

And I want just

One thing...

Such prolonged pendulousness

A dare will only best

And I want just

One thing...

If only prescience were mine

Warmest solace divine

And I want just

One thing...

But the unknown still taunts

All the maybes still haunt

And I want just

One thing...

Amber memories in flame

Desires whisper a name

And I want

Just one thing...

I am ardent and fervent

Zealous and determined

And I want

Just one thing...

I want

You

i've never wanted for much, but...this is one of those times...I just want to freeze this feeling...and keep it...stowed away...for all-time. Yeah.

I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.

I'll be sad when Elena loses her speech impediment

Elena walks into my room holding a Star Wars blaster and says, "Daddy! We are de tops, and we're going to arrest you! Shoot'im Riddit!" Riddick starts yelling, like he's snapping into a Slim Jim, and Elena marks me with the red laser from the toy gun and shouts, "Oooo! Daddy! Der's a lady bud on you!"

Restore

I posted the lyrics to Restore as a note on Facebook some time ago. I've been watching the video of me performing the song to consider different approaches to the vocal line, and it just got me thinking about the song content in general, and how much it really means to me. I wrote this song last year on Riddick's birthday, which is on the 31st of this month. It is actually a very personal song, whereas I write a lot of songs for and about people that I'm close to. It delves into my heritage, both distant and near. Around the time that I wrote Restore, I wrote about twelve other songs, and like I said before, they were not autobiographical. However, it's very surreal to look back at the lyrics of those songs and consider how prophetic some of them were...for now, in lieu of recent major life changes, they hit really close to home. Art truly does imitate life...even when you least expect it. Now more than ever, I want to get in the studio and get this album over and done with. It will be a major cathartic experience, and one that I will not ever want to return to again.

Restore

I will sit on smooth dirt floor
I will dream of something more
I will leave all of my friends
I will return never again

I will put my foot on shore
I will last I will endure
I will walk into the wind
I will fall in love again

Restore Me

I will break through tundra’s back
I will sing across that land
I will taste from Siberian stream
I will wake in Peter’s dream

I will look across a farm
I will grip my lover’s arm
I will promise a precious lie
I taste her kiss one last time

Restore Me

I will walk down from the hill
I will erase every kill
I will yearn to be at home
With the one who will never know

I will swim in youth so real
My brothers all alive and well
I will race into a house
The wall turns red the laughter stilled

Restore Me

I will lie in a room so cold
With faces worth more than gold
I will smile and meet every eye
Surrender all the past I know

I will climb into the hills
I will breath in all the chill
I will touch every hand
That reaches down from Glory land

Restore Me

Reset

Skin cracked
Along the fingerprint
It heals...
Cracks again...
It's an endless cycle
At least in the winter
But afterward it's good
For a very long while
Then as always is the case
The weather changes back
And then cracked again
And I always forget
How to deal with it
Like it's new
And my brain wonders
Why it even bothers
Because I'll never learn
And I mean never
In the sense of never
So I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I realize that some
Beginnings quickly end
And some endings
Seek new beginnings
And it's okay to be tired
It's okay to be numb
It's okay to feel sick over it
It's okay to...
Just let it all go
It's cracked skin
I use my hands a lot
So what can I do?
I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I keep telling myself
That it won't happen
The same way again
And I wait
And massage my broken skin
With fingers cracked anew
And wonder

Marais des Cygnes

Seriously though
Is it all in some way of
Trying to reconcile
With the lack of action and
Feeling and emotion
And all of the above
Of everything that maybe you
Feel that in the long run of
Another day in time
You might leave this place
This last place of Bleeding
Before the Lost Cause
You just might consider
Trading in all of the
Nonsense and fever pitch
The non-such and for once
Letting something or
Someone take care of you
Away from it all?
Well, I have always
Considered the fail-safe
Of better late than never
But these days I fear
Never like I've never feared
Anything in my life
Which is running away from it all
And I just might consider
Trading in all of it
Because the frustration
That I feel is starting to
Pull me away from this
So most amazing
Intrinsic beautiful
Blow apart the stars
In the face of it all
Powerful feeling even though
I don't want to go...
I really don't.
But as much as I live
That life is one that has
Always had a need to feel
And share and want and give
And that is what it is
And that is what I've always been
And if that is something that
Scares you then I really
Wish you would just let me know
So I could change course because
I don't want too-lates
Sneaking up on me from
Behind and tapping me on my
Shoulder just to laugh in my
Face as I turn around for yet
Another round of let-downs
In the wake of the world
Passing me by with everyone
That I know looking down
At me from their window seat
That they purchased when I
Thought I knew it all...
When I thought I had it
All figured out...
And now I know that I will
Never have it figured out
Only because it is relative
And I'm pretty sure that
I don't see it in the same way
As anyone else on this planet
And although I had hoped
That you would agree
And maybe I really do believe
That you do in fact see
What I see and know what
I know and sing what I sing
So it would so pain me to admit
And to see it would make me sick
You may just be content to
Settle for mediocrity
And I cannot and will not
March to the beat of the
World's drummer because
I would loathe myself
And the hand that clasps
That hand is the one that
Touches me deep and
Smooths out all of my
Scars and checks my mental
Notes and holds tight as
I tell myself
I just don't think that
I can survive to see into
The long run of
Another day in time
And very soon I honestly
Dread that day that will
Open up with a monologue
That my heart is shoving
Down my throat that simply
Has two words written on it
It says,"Say goodbye"
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes

Brasserie

I have cast
A frail and thin
Cloak around
My skin
And dream of once when
I entered in
A place so warm
With friends
With smells of bread
Rich drafts of mirth
So rich it took
My sight
I supped and drank
To my heart’s content
I cried tears of
Delight
We sang for love
We sang for health
We sang with all
Our might
There was no count
Of hours past
So stretched a long
Good night
Now memory is
So cruel to me
As I walk in cold
Tonight
I wonder if
I’ll ever see
Again
That lovely sight
I keep walking
I keep searching
I need something
I am fading

I'm Here Now

I'm here now
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
There is no direction
Nothing outlined for me
So I'm just trying my best
Feeling around in this dark
Trying to make out which
Ray of light to follow
Very fearful that the most
Beautiful is nothing but an
Illusion that has my heart
Bound in a perpetual loop of
Exhaustive hopefulness
Some nights I laugh
Some nights I scream
I'm here now!
Why can't you see me?
Or do you and it's just
Something else over which
I have no control and the
Clouds that surround the
Issues won't part for me
And the light in which I believed
Slowly fades into nothingness
And for the first time in a long time
I start to doubt because
The stops have all been pulled out
My words have all been spelled out
My plans have all been played out
And I am left with the nothing that
I've had for so long
And in that passage of time
That will be added to all of the rest
I quietly mourn what I honestly
Believe should have transpired
Because I'm here now
Still alone
Considering possibilities
Wandering paths that maybe
I have no business exploring
Just because down the road
In that most incredible place
That is most illuminated
By your ray of light
I'm still that fool that
Believes that there is a chance
A slim chance in this
Murky sea of futility
That you'll have me
And I'm just left saying
Ever meekly and simply
I'm here now

"In the Sun" by Joseph Arthur

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees
Asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for
And all you've seen
And trying to find anything you can feel
That you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize
If I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know
I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for
And all you need
I picture you fast asleep
The nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone
Who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I've been caught in between all you wish for
and all you need
Maybe you're not even sure
What it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find you
You...
I'll find you
You...

One Month

Monstrously
Razzmatazz amazingly
Surely feverishly
Inexplicably
Adamantly
Wonderfully
Unreasonably
By far unseasonably
A parting of the seas for me
Hail that cab for you
Bow to the night for me
Interestingly
Never effortlessly
Abiding by the rules
Accordingly
Tripping into you
Crashingly
Smashingly
Try me and take me
Earnestly
Sweetly
Softly
Wait then wait then
Reach to the sky
Open-heartedly
Heatedly
Passionately
Forever intensely
Enigmatically
Finally
For the sanity
Of you and me
For all time
That we both see
That we shouldn't be
Walking through this life
Unhappily
It really can be so easily
Remedied so stand
so tall then run to me
Like Hell is lapping
At your feet
You will find your strength
And stare out at the world
With eyes stronger than me
I can see you now
Hear you now
Telling your story so
Vividly
Convincingly
Matira Beach I can see
Such a nice thing to dream
All because of your simple smile
Digitally and sincerely
From you to me

Such Beauty Gone

I want to be
A mountain stream
That flows down from
The highest of peaks
I would cleanse
All places of darkness I would
Do this all
Unseen
I want to be
The tallest of trees
I would protect
All who needed me
I could give
Shelter and more
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

I want to be
A circle of stars
A crown in the heavens
Seen from Earth
I would show
The lost the way
I would guide
Their path
I want to be
A great stone hearth
That brings a fire
To the world
None would go cold
I would stay and never go
If someone just needed
Me

Too many days
With no one around
Feel that
Lower can’t be found
I crawl through the truths
Maze riddled haze
Grasp at
Every single sound
I hear a song of
Such beauty gone
And I recognize
My fear
With too many days
With no one around
There is a chance
The end is near

Illusion of Elusiveness

High order concern
Superfluous thoughts
Brain hurricane
Lingering worries
The binding restraints
Of the situation
Sleep deprivation
Emotive starvation
But processing it all
Reflection and translation
An easy to see function
I marvel at our likeness
Knowing the answer
Afraid to say it
Too soon too early too much
But still...
Cannot second guess
The strikingly obvious
The honest observation
Complexity colored with
Hues of simplicity
While not diminishing
The struggle and anguish
The seemingly onerous decision
This fall harvest of emotion
Double edge of what is fair
But oh! think of your needs
Sedative of heart and mind
That above all is paramount
Do not leave yourself
See the strength I see
See the beauty I see
And have courage
Transcend
Have peace
Sleep

Like Nothing Ever Happened

Take the trip
Back to town
To remember when you
Wanted the finer things
Oh! the cotton blends of
Life so fast
You wanted in
But then you never
Had the chance to
Hang on so you
Went on your own trip
Through the stars
Mapped how you like
Yet in it all
Something wasn't right
So you looked to the four
Corners of the room
That you're soaking in
'Cause it seems
New now and then
You say that some things
Can't be shared
And you're scared that
You could be right

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

The disappearing
Laughs and smiles
That you owned
Now traded in for
Rough ends and the
Dreading of
Turning into
The lost episode
That no one will
Ever watch
And it's so real
Like the wind went still
And the leaves
That were your life
Begin to fall

(No sand castles
No skipping thrills
No slush-ball kills
Everything
Taken
Away...
Grab hold
Embrace it
Remember
Forever)

In the middle of it all
Holding on sitting still
Watching the parade
Wave at you as it goes
"Bye, Bye! --
See you next year!"
It was fun I thought...
And those thoughts
Were so nice

dgc '98