JOURNAL ENTRY 04/28/09 - Thirty-Five and Going to School

Sometimes I write things on my laptop when on occasion I don't have my journal with me. I just came across this tonight, as I was cleaning up some directories. It's pretty recent and meaningful to me personally, so I thought I'd go ahead and post it here.

I was at the point of utter exhaustion. I had not slept the night before and had only three hours from the night before that. My limbs did not feel as though they were my own. As I sat down just minutes before, a feeling of extreme sadness came over me. I thought, “I have been to this library dozens of times, but now it is ruined because I brought my children here just once. For now as I sit here alone, I realize that I do not hear my children’s laughter. In such a state I reluctantly opened my backpack to retrieve two binders that were returned to me about half an hour before by my instructor. One was my resource file, and the other was my book summaries. I slowly opened my resource file first, looking for a foreign article of paper that would show my grade to me. It was red, and on it was written the letter A. This came as a pleasant surprise. At least it would in some way counter the dismal grade I would receive for my book summaries. I then very carefully opened the second binder. Taped to the inside cover was the page with the genre matrix. On it was written the letter A in red ink in a red cloud. I missed two out of one hundred and sixty, which calculated to ninety-nine percent. My instructor wrote, “Well organized! You have created a great resource for your classroom! Your well written summaries & varied activities will make this a priceless tool in your class! =)” Attached was a red certificate with a squirrel smiling beside an apple which read, “The BIG RED APPLE DIPLOMA is presented to Derek Cook”, dated and signed. I began to shake with sobs starting to gestate deep within me. I covered my mouth to suppress any sound that might try to be birthed. I controlled myself and looked through the window on my left and out at the exterior window in the lobby, covered in millions of droplets of rain. It was such a wet day, and I was exhausted. I really missed my babies.