Since my divorce two and a half years ago, I've lost my heart to a lesser or greater degree to several women. If I were to list the number, I would be judged one way or the other by most, because that's what most do whether they're aware of it or not. I have given of myself over and over and have been rebuffed and rejected. Who shall doubt the free will of a person's heart? My problem is that I love fiercely, and I realize that I will probably never find someone who is strong enough to reciprocate.
However, what I've come to realize is that I have been neglecting an important group of people in my search for personal happiness: those whom I've affected through my music in the past twenty-two years. I am constantly made aware of this by people reaching out and telling me what impact I've made on their lives. Most recently, I was caught off guard by an acquaintance as he offered up such uplifting support of my music that it almost brought me to tears. More so, because we had just tangled in bravado over drinks at my favorite downtown pub. Here was this larger than life Harley guy, that I deeply respect, for I was well aware of his own personal search for companionship, and how most recently he had been rejected by a person that he had loved unconditionally for many years. And here he was, out of nowhere, fervently earnest in his address to me, and I was literally without words as he expressed what my musical efforts meant to him personally. To him it wasn't as much the content of my music, but the fact that I was doing it and my efforts had always been a constant foothold for him in everyday life. And therein was the point that he kept returning to: a constant. In our small circles, I had always been the guy who played music, no matter what anyone thought of me. I had persevered in his eyes. His concern was that I might someday stop doing it, and that I mustn't ever stop, because so many people rely on what I'm doing.
I am too often ignorant and believe that no one is listening, even though I can easily see that people are purchasing our music every day. I get lost in self-pity...I'm weak in that regard, and extremely so, I do admit. In some ways, it's like electing to be a martyr, and that's not an easy path. It's a lonely path that I unknowingly ventured down many years ago, and regardless if I stray, my shadow still remains on that path, and the path itself still remains in my peripheral; I will never be rid of it and it will never be rid of me, even after I'm gone.
At this moment, I've decided to commit to the path for a good stretch and forgo my silly pursuits of the heart. I'll be content with my daily back and forths with a Neverland friend of mind and focus on my work once more. I feel it's what I should do --I owe it to so many, whom have shown me much love. The music is always there in my head...I cannot escape it. I only choose to ignore it sometimes. I apologize for that. It'll happen again, you can be sure. In the end, I'm only human.
"No one knows you till it's over..." ~Jonsi
Much love,
Derek
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