"Gladiolas" by Ida

I always return to Ida. This is from their album The Braille Night, and is just incredibly lost and haunting...an older, lonelier sense of the all that is the splendor of Americana.

"Gladiolas" by Ida

On the way to California
See my sister Carolina
Looking out on South Dakota
At a field of gladiolas
Gonna sell it in the summer
leave behind the floods and winters
Letting go of what they suffered
Let it fall away like rain across the plains

From a payphone on a corner
Making plans for our departure
I could wish we’d rush right over
Looking back over my shoulder
Cold December weather
Not keeping us together
It’s New Years Eve forever
We’re flying down the turnpike in the night

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

Someone’s always running faster
Towards the anchor that you need
You forget again and ask her
Why the light, it had to leave
An echo in a footstep

Looking out to the horizon
Anyone could see the swelling of your heart
All the lights that shine before you
Looks so helpless, and so far to see

"And if you have a minute why don't we go..."

"...talk about it somewhere only we know..."
I'm literally lying in bed with my eyes closed, typing this...I'll proof read before I post, so...it's all good. I thought I'd write just because, well, I want to. I have nothing really big to say, no poetry, no lyrics, no la-dee-da. I'm just...here.


The past two weeks have been pretty cool actually. I started tutoring on campus, working with students who have a variety of learning disabilities, so it's been cool to get to know them and help organize, proof read, and rewrite final papers. It's been a challenge, because I have only considered working with younger students, and to work with college age students has required different teaching strategies. But it's been a lot of fun...it truly has.


I also started a new job recently, and every night that I work, I seem to meet new people and make more friends. It's always a blast being part of a team effort. I mean, I am really, really having fun with this new experience, so I would be hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. Plus, I get to work around one of my favorite bros, Jose, for whom I would probably do anything, since I think I owe him so much anyway!


And then the album! I get to listen to the rough mixes every day in my car, and I am super pumped about it! Honestly, it's going to be good, and I cannot wait to get feedback on it. I need to post to the HW blog, but I am definitely not going to do it tonight.


Finally, I just love my kids. I gotta say it, and I'll say it till I turn blue in the face and die --I JUST LOVE MY KIDS. They're the greatest, and I cherish every moment I have with them.


Now...I'm going to go to sleep...

Last Screams

After three a.m. walking

Through forsaken garden

Silver leaves they fall and kiss

Hallowed pale skin that the

Moonlight bathes hair and scarf

Blown in the crying wind

I stay the fear that I'll

Forget

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Wrestle with the winter's peak

Suffering wondering

Limbs that creak and bow to be

The trellis above your head so

Weary but alive but

Trembling you sometime soon

Will succumb to it and

Leave this behind

No matter how

Brave we are

In cold like this

Hearts will freeze

I must stand tall

I must seem strong

They may say the

Last screams loudest

I won't make

A sound

Watching the Fall

I desire to escape
This prison of being
Outside, looking in
Embittered in want
To submit to disdain
And hating my heart
That still remains open
Raped and asunder
A dream just to be
Blissful in ignorance
Unfortunately though
Unwillingly omnipotent
Flows of information
Effortlessly drown my
Every sense like the
Din that roars and
Seeks to break what
I had, such candor
That I am afraid
Won't last long enough to
See me through this
Tortuous observing of
Grossly self-serving
Actions that beleaguer
Who I am, who I was
Who we were, no matter what
That we were meant to be
But now a picture of naught
Faith now destroyed
Trust that is no more
Such kind disemboweling
Perverse dance in the gore
Now I'm forced to watch
The strings that control
The autonomy now gone
A person that is no more
I still mourn for the passing
I still entreat and I hold
But in vain because there's nothing
But void, black and cold

All six eyes stared fixedly on you

"Years may come, years may go...did you hear we change? They told me so." Just a line from a song I wrote in early '97 that we never used. Something that has weighed on me recently, more so than other detractors in my life --I know a lot of good people with great intentions and big hearts, but I know very few people that are real. I struggle to comprehend why this is. There is a song called "How Beautiful You Are" by the Cure (which is based on a poem by Charles Baudelaire) that ends, "...no one really knows or loves another..." Sadly, I believe it rings too true. So to my close friends out there, and you know who you are, I hold you dear to my heart, because you are a rarity among seasons. And to those that flitter and flutter about like butterflies on a spring wind, seemingly not knowing where they want to go...well...you could learn a lot from the real people.

Umm...ouch?

A most bizarre thing just occurred. I was unzipping my gig bag to take out my guitar, as I have an idea fresh in my mind. I restrung it two nights ago for recording, and as my usual practice, I don't cut the excess string off from the post. My guitar is ever so slightly longer than my gig bag, so I have to somewhat forcefully pull the zipper around the headstock to make a quick job of it. When I did, somehow the excess of the sixth string (the thickest gauge for those of you not in the know) suddenly sprung out and stuck into one of the joints in my left middle finger and went pretty deep. It's now dark and swollen and pretty sore. I Guess I should have iced it before playing out my idea.

How, and How

Oh, my back and neck are stiff. My eyes are even stiffer...how's that for an odd description? It's this head cold that has me captive. Fortunately, I know it'll be past in several days. God has blessed me with a quick rebound time in recent years. Regardless, I'm still feeling the pressure tonight.

I'm about to finish my Portfolio 1 for ED308, and then I need to wrap up HW2 for ED317...aaaand then throw together a lesson plan for my third period algebra students. Fortunately, I don't have to reinvent the wheel. I'm just teaching a lesson straight from the book. And actually, I'm basing the projects for 308 & 317 on the respective chapter. Instructional goals and objectives were meant to be recycled! It's my own property of distribution. :)

Oh, btw if you're not already following the TDoHW blog, check it out HERE. I'll save all of my music banter for that blog for the time being.

So today was...well...stressful, but I survived. My classes were enjoyable, and I had some good laughs with friends. I mean, you've got to laugh about stuff, y'know? I'd curl up and die if I didn't. This world is too much for the everyday Derek. Anyhoo, I discovered today that today was THE day for seniors to sign up for summer and fall classes. The path that I travel in Wham doesn't take me past advisory, so I'm not up to speed on what is posted on their bulletin board, hence my seemingly newness to these things every time I turn around.

So after 424 I trekked over to Morris, did a little work, and at a quarter till 2 I logged onto Salukinet and attempted to register when we "C"s were allowed to. The key word: attempted. All of the run numbers I entered came up as registration errors, asterisked as "departmental approval required." But see, I waited five weeks for my appointment with my advisor, who cancelled my appointment an hour before it was scheduled. Thus, I couldn't get my classes approved. And when I went in to make an appointment this morning, I couldn't get in until Apr 8. Fun, fun. So after accepting defeat, I walked back over to Wham to see if I could get the block removed from those classes.

Oh, I guess I should also point out that earlier in the day I discovered that SIU now requires pre-calc before taking calc 1. Of course I find this out now. I'm taking my last middle school endorsement class during the intersession, KIN 202 in the summer, and I'm supposed to have two more math courses, one of which being calc 1, to wrap up my degree outside of student teaching. This means that I'll have to take pre-calc at JALC during the summer at night, with the supposed assurance that it will transfer back to SIU, and then somehow squeeze in calc somewhere...and where I have no clue. Just that one class may postpone my graduation date from December to May of next year. There's not much else for it...my hands are tied. Anyway, I digress...

Long story made longer, I made it into advisement, and while the student worker was making a note to give to my advisor, Andrea, she walked in the door, saw me, walked over the filing cabinets, thumbed through a drawer, pulled out a folder, looked up and said,"Derek, why don't you come back to my office." And I'm thinking silently to myself,"YESSSSSSS! FINALLY!" She removed the blocks on KIN202 & CI473, and approved my ED401a which is student teaching. BLESS HER HEART. So I was able to register for all of those, and between now and Apr 8, I need to register at JALC and get the ball rolling to take pre-calc there this summer. Which of course means more fun at financial aid there, which is like pulling teeth. I also grabbed some paperwork from 135 to put me on track to get my app in for student teaching by next week thanks to fabulous Ashley D.

Then I took part in a group presentation in 416 which was really carried by my colleagues. I wish I could say that I contributed equally to the project, but I didn't. I did do my best to expand on my part of the presentation, and we got decent marks, so at least that one is out of the way.

Then I had some fun texting with Rohan earlier in the evening, so that was cool. He's such a great kid. I'm so proud of him for everything that he does.

So here I am now...I need to get back to work, and then get a little sleep before an equally long day and evening tomorrow. I'll get home at 9:30 tomorrow night, just to start wrapping up the Adapted Lesson Plan using the UDL Framework for 424. The consolation? Thursday we get to go do grave marker etchings at a cemetery. Woot!

The Quiet Sustain

(work in progress)

Hey Mark, what were you
Saying the other day?
Wait...that was
Twelve years ago
Just like then I am
Lonelier today
Except now
You're gone
I promise I listened
To you
I always sang
Along
I saw your words
In colors soft and true
That you will sing
No more

I bet she is
Sitting at home
Mark, do you think
There's still hope?
She flies
Then she hides
And I no longer
Know
The pain
I feel
Has no place
To go

Four-Fifteen Sherry Pain

I'm in the dark

Monitor glows

Beautiful faces

Reflect the light

Heavy breathing

Small and precious

This is where

I Want to be

With them

Always

Of course I know

That is not how it works

But I still cherish

The moment

I still cherish

Their sounds

This is our last night

In this house

I'm ready to leave

I died here

I was born here

I will leave nothing

I will take nothing

I just want to be

With them

Always

And that can be

Anywhere in the world

The Lie

Air so sweet the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of the all engulf me

And it builds some more

Pull so close in binding

Breathe that breath to claim

Standard of a sensual chorus

So easy to stay this way

Worried echoes of angels

Laughter that chances to dare

Muster of wanton naivete

And it builds some more

Cries in dark embracing

Flesh slides smooth and bare

Consuming and creating

Promise to stay this way

Refrains of breathing waiting

Rhythm of smiles and stares

Pains and water breaking

And it builds some more

Cries in water embracing

Blood and tears so pure

Newest breath so tiny

It must always be this way

Mold the world to take it

Contain the sun to share

Still soft the touch to invite

And it builds some more

Glow of noontide embracing

Replay of practiced stares

One sincere the other maybe

It might always be this way

Hint of summer failing

Shadow of pensive malaise

Torn banner of a wistful chorus

The song is sung no more

Chimes that seem much louder

Where laughter used to raise

Stares no longer linger

It must always be this way

Proposition of a sunset

Blunt incision to fillet

Choking wailing convulsing

It starts to falter more

Rush to build salvation

Exhaustive tears unsure

Surely some feelings still linger

Bargaining to keep it this way

Emptiness of expulsion

Stupefied sickened dazed

Wondering how it all happened

It can never be anymore

Air so bitter the memory

Blue waters and their tang

Waves of cold engulf me

A lie is all that stays

Velvet

Just when I thought

Everything was gone

Out of nowhere

You appeared

I would be lying

If I said

I didn't fall for you

From the first time I saw you

The fire beside us

The silence around us

I could have stayed

With you for hours

The velvet of your voice

The glaze of your eyes

Caught me by surprise

Lost and mesmerized

The curve of your lips

And the glow on your skin

I'll never recover

Engraved in my mind

Can't bear to think

About walking through this life

Not seeing your smile

That cruel fate denies

What darkness may come

What goodness may go

I'll always remember

I'll never let go

demo on YouTube

Luster

I'm posting this tonight for a friend. I wrote "Luster" sometime in '04 I believe. It was both autobiographical and modeled after similar experiences in some of my friends' lives. And just now I was thinking about a conversation I had tonight with a good friend, and this song crossed my mind, so...this is for you A.

Air so close
Haze all I see
There you are perfect
Stock smile in front of me
How do you choose
The promises to break?
How do you choose
Which ones to keep?

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

Eyes burn with sweat
I hardly breathe
Never a look I give
You seem to see
I know I have free will
All the memories I could kill
But for what?
It's all too hard for me

The luster fades away

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

I thought I heard
You say alright
But I couldn't be
For sure
Oh, but then
You would just
Lie again
To me

It’s just way too hot outside
I just want to stay in
But I see you’re ready to go out
It’s summer again
You crossed the line so I tried my
Best to leave you then
I’m sick of it now but I’m guessing somehow
I will stay and let you win

"Little Things" by Pomplamoose

sorting all the lights and darks

making sure our love won't lose that spark

you really didn't have to.

funny pictures that you take

dinner out instead of shake'n'bake

you really didn't have to.

movies and magazines

filling our heads with dreams

but love is the little things

love changes everything.

picking me up after work

putting up with all my silly quirks

you really didn't have to.

saying that my cooking is great

while you try to hide a stomach ache

you really didn't have to.

Check out Pomplamoose at: http://www.myspace.com/pomplamoosemusic

Ardor

My head it searchingly aches

My eyes close just to wait

And I want just

One thing...

My heart pounds within my throat

My stomach is afloat

And I want just

One thing...

This room is getting smaller

As the night grows longer

And I want just

One thing...

Such prolonged pendulousness

A dare will only best

And I want just

One thing...

If only prescience were mine

Warmest solace divine

And I want just

One thing...

But the unknown still taunts

All the maybes still haunt

And I want just

One thing...

Amber memories in flame

Desires whisper a name

And I want

Just one thing...

I am ardent and fervent

Zealous and determined

And I want

Just one thing...

I want

You

i've never wanted for much, but...this is one of those times...I just want to freeze this feeling...and keep it...stowed away...for all-time. Yeah.

I am not used to quiet...

I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.
Wait three minutes...
Wait...
There it is!
The humidifier.
I have a song going
Through my head.
It's open-ended,
Not complete...
Okay, not even near
Completion.
I keep picking up the guitar
Returning to the first verse
And playing through...
It's how they all begin you know.
Some make it while
Most just dwindle away
And are lost.
I feel that way a lot;
Like I'm dwindling away...
I sometimes forget who I am
As I am still not used to this quiet.
You have to remember what it was like:
Big house!
Four kids!
Two dogs!
...and a cat!
...and now...
...
Just me.
So, you can understand that
There are times when I just
Stare at the wall
Or ceiling...
Whatever...
And I fixate on
This quiet
And then...
Who I was
What it was like
Taking care
Taking time
Taking turns
Taking temps
Taking tattles
And then one day...
Well...
...
It's just taken away.
Poof.
Gone.
All of this is no longer yours!!!
All of the love invested...
Blood
Sweat
Tears
Laughter
Pain
Elation
Happiness
ALL
TAKEN
AWAY.

And so...

I'm twenty-one again
Sitting in silence
(Only I'm thirty-six. shhhh!)
I think about the riiiiinging
In my ears.
I look out
Through the blinds.
I...
Hate.
I mean, can I really help it?
It's natural
I assume.
Not to be mistaken though,
Because I do love;
I love many things!
Many people!
I have a desire to love.
I have always given
And worked
And sacrificed
Out of love.
Whether accepted
...Or scorned,
But in all things
I am honest, and so
I will consent that
On rare occasion
Yes, I do hate.
But I dream and hope,
And I avidly aspire
To be more than
What I was just yesterday,
And for that reason
I play through the first verse
Of that same old new song
One more
Two more
Three more times.
Would it sound differently
If I added delay?
Yes.
It would probably be
--Oops, where is my
Abbreviated manner?
It would "prolly" be
more interesting
With delay.
And after spending
Several minutes
Considering that minor
Gimmicky approach
To playing this song
That only I know
Which even though
Trivial in nature
It has served its purpose
In causing me to forget
If just for those several minutes
That...
I am alone.
...And then...
As though I have just
Broken through the surface
Of the water to gasp for air
And the bluest harvest
I have ever seen
dominates my vision...
I am aware
of silence
again.
I am not used to quiet.
Not yet.

I'll be sad when Elena loses her speech impediment

Elena walks into my room holding a Star Wars blaster and says, "Daddy! We are de tops, and we're going to arrest you! Shoot'im Riddit!" Riddick starts yelling, like he's snapping into a Slim Jim, and Elena marks me with the red laser from the toy gun and shouts, "Oooo! Daddy! Der's a lady bud on you!"

Restore

I posted the lyrics to Restore as a note on Facebook some time ago. I've been watching the video of me performing the song to consider different approaches to the vocal line, and it just got me thinking about the song content in general, and how much it really means to me. I wrote this song last year on Riddick's birthday, which is on the 31st of this month. It is actually a very personal song, whereas I write a lot of songs for and about people that I'm close to. It delves into my heritage, both distant and near. Around the time that I wrote Restore, I wrote about twelve other songs, and like I said before, they were not autobiographical. However, it's very surreal to look back at the lyrics of those songs and consider how prophetic some of them were...for now, in lieu of recent major life changes, they hit really close to home. Art truly does imitate life...even when you least expect it. Now more than ever, I want to get in the studio and get this album over and done with. It will be a major cathartic experience, and one that I will not ever want to return to again.

Restore

I will sit on smooth dirt floor
I will dream of something more
I will leave all of my friends
I will return never again

I will put my foot on shore
I will last I will endure
I will walk into the wind
I will fall in love again

Restore Me

I will break through tundra’s back
I will sing across that land
I will taste from Siberian stream
I will wake in Peter’s dream

I will look across a farm
I will grip my lover’s arm
I will promise a precious lie
I taste her kiss one last time

Restore Me

I will walk down from the hill
I will erase every kill
I will yearn to be at home
With the one who will never know

I will swim in youth so real
My brothers all alive and well
I will race into a house
The wall turns red the laughter stilled

Restore Me

I will lie in a room so cold
With faces worth more than gold
I will smile and meet every eye
Surrender all the past I know

I will climb into the hills
I will breath in all the chill
I will touch every hand
That reaches down from Glory land

Restore Me

Reset

Skin cracked
Along the fingerprint
It heals...
Cracks again...
It's an endless cycle
At least in the winter
But afterward it's good
For a very long while
Then as always is the case
The weather changes back
And then cracked again
And I always forget
How to deal with it
Like it's new
And my brain wonders
Why it even bothers
Because I'll never learn
And I mean never
In the sense of never
So I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I realize that some
Beginnings quickly end
And some endings
Seek new beginnings
And it's okay to be tired
It's okay to be numb
It's okay to feel sick over it
It's okay to...
Just let it all go
It's cracked skin
I use my hands a lot
So what can I do?
I mend and heal
I do what I can to
Ignore any pain
And I keep telling myself
That it won't happen
The same way again
And I wait
And massage my broken skin
With fingers cracked anew
And wonder

Marais des Cygnes

Seriously though
Is it all in some way of
Trying to reconcile
With the lack of action and
Feeling and emotion
And all of the above
Of everything that maybe you
Feel that in the long run of
Another day in time
You might leave this place
This last place of Bleeding
Before the Lost Cause
You just might consider
Trading in all of the
Nonsense and fever pitch
The non-such and for once
Letting something or
Someone take care of you
Away from it all?
Well, I have always
Considered the fail-safe
Of better late than never
But these days I fear
Never like I've never feared
Anything in my life
Which is running away from it all
And I just might consider
Trading in all of it
Because the frustration
That I feel is starting to
Pull me away from this
So most amazing
Intrinsic beautiful
Blow apart the stars
In the face of it all
Powerful feeling even though
I don't want to go...
I really don't.
But as much as I live
That life is one that has
Always had a need to feel
And share and want and give
And that is what it is
And that is what I've always been
And if that is something that
Scares you then I really
Wish you would just let me know
So I could change course because
I don't want too-lates
Sneaking up on me from
Behind and tapping me on my
Shoulder just to laugh in my
Face as I turn around for yet
Another round of let-downs
In the wake of the world
Passing me by with everyone
That I know looking down
At me from their window seat
That they purchased when I
Thought I knew it all...
When I thought I had it
All figured out...
And now I know that I will
Never have it figured out
Only because it is relative
And I'm pretty sure that
I don't see it in the same way
As anyone else on this planet
And although I had hoped
That you would agree
And maybe I really do believe
That you do in fact see
What I see and know what
I know and sing what I sing
So it would so pain me to admit
And to see it would make me sick
You may just be content to
Settle for mediocrity
And I cannot and will not
March to the beat of the
World's drummer because
I would loathe myself
And the hand that clasps
That hand is the one that
Touches me deep and
Smooths out all of my
Scars and checks my mental
Notes and holds tight as
I tell myself
I just don't think that
I can survive to see into
The long run of
Another day in time
And very soon I honestly
Dread that day that will
Open up with a monologue
That my heart is shoving
Down my throat that simply
Has two words written on it
It says,"Say goodbye"
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes
Goodbye Marais des Cygnes