Being pwned by Elena

Elena watching Max and Ruby: "Daddy, I think the name Sally-Swims-a-Lot is a funny name."
Me: "How about Sally-Poops-a-Lot?"
Elena: "How about Daddy-Idiot-a-Lot?"

Excerpt: "Simple Something Sweet"

Follow me or
I'll Follow you
Back to where ends meet
Back where I met you
Simple something sweet
Simple something new
Someday mayhap I'll be there
Another crossed path with you

Untitled, Continued...

Hours spent
Pages rent
Trying to piece
Together the words that just don't
Seem to be
Anything that would
Ever move you
Closer to
Me
I've never ever felt
So far
Beneath
The place of another
That I cared for
With whom I wanted
To be

Untitled, To Be Continued...

I know
She doesn't know
That I believe
That she could be
The absolute
The most incredible
Beautiful
Woman that I have
Ever known
Forever raise her up
Never praise her enough
For everything
Carve her name
In stone
As the all time
Love of my life
But she doesn't know
Oh Lord!
Just let...
Just let
That change...

Cruces, 20 years ago this month...

20 years ago, Danny Wilson and I, along with Chris Fouke, had the pleasure of writing a great many songs with Matt Arms in his upstairs bedroom. Fouke, Wilson, and I had been collaborating since the previous October, but had finally found the right drummer for our band with Matt. It was also in January 1991 that we named our band. Chris came to a rehearsal with several Latin words that he thought might work. We took a vote, and the name "Cruces" was chosen 3 to 1; I was the only opposed. How funny is that? In February we recorded a cassette for our friends by playing live to a boom box recorder. It was our first effort, and we gave away as many as we could afford. Now, twenty years later, my latest effort with my mates in Through Dint of Heavy Wishing is slightly more involved, but no more or less passionate. Cruces in '91 wanted to take over the world, and we had a lot of fun talking about it. We tried for twelve years, with many faces coming and going in the band, and with many stories to tell. Many of my friends from back then still support my musical endeavors, and you mean the world to me. You share in those put-aside, distant dreams of long ago, and I promise that I'll never stop writing music for all of us.

"Make your lives extraordinary!"

Tonight I'm going to do my best to organize and file away papers that have littered my room and the loft for the last several weeks. The need for them has expired as my professional semester is finally over. I had considered retelling the sordid tale about how I was told two weeks ago that I would not be graduating, because I was three credit hours short of fulfilling my mathematics concentration hours. However, even the retelling would be too exhausting. Needless to say, I passed a proficiency test in statistics to acquire the necessary hours to graduate. It was not without many a sleepless night this past week, studying whenever I could, only to believe that I had failed the test this past Tuesday morning. Yes, I did indeed pass, but there is no way that it was pretty --I am still very upset at what I feel was a dismal performance of my display of content knowledge. However, withstanding my feelings about it all, the grade posted, and I will be graduating this Saturday. It's still amazing for me to consider that passing my Teacher Education Program Portfolio Capstone was not the greatest stress of this past week.

My time spent pursuing my degree has not been without trials and pains. I began in January 2008 at John A. Logan College, getting my Associates within a year, so I could begin the TEP at SIUC the following January. I pulled many all-nighters while at SIU, because I believed in what I was doing...I wanted desperately to absorb what I could from my instructors and the coursework to supplement what I considered to be my natural teaching tendencies. However, my personal life took an exceptional turn that nearly caused me to quit a year ago. Even those closest to me advised me to take time off. I couldn't do it...I felt such a sense of immediacy, I had to stay the course. In retrospect, I have no regrets, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. --and if the friends that I made along the way were the only things gained in all of this, then I would consider this journey extremely well worth it.

I don't really know how to explain the whole tale to my children. I began many years ago out of high school, choosing to follow my dream of being a professional musician after my dream of being a graphic designer seemed out of the question. I worked many jobs while playing music, and then settled into what I knew best: carpentry. It's what I had indirectly been raised to do by my father, which is ironic considering that he was a high school teacher for almost thirty years. I had never considered going to college, as I had worked so hard to be a craftsman over many years, excelling in my trade as a home builder. It's funny to reflect on that now as I wait tables at a steak house to achieve this end of becoming a teacher. Yet, if I hadn't made the decisions that I did, no matter how crazy they were, I would have never gained what I value the most in this silly life, my four beautiful children. So, I believe that I would tell my children to not second guess what their hearts are telling them to do, no matter what the short-term outcome may seem to be.

I guess in signing off, I would like to thank all of my close friends and family who lent me their ears when I needed someone to listen to my woes. I feel extremely privileged to have had such great instructors at JALC and SIU. I could not have had a better student teaching experience as what I had with my incredible cooperating teacher and a dynamite group of fourth graders. And finally, my children have been the strongest people I know, watching their father go through lessons in life, from which I know I did a horrible job shielding them. I hate thinking that they have been affected in some adverse way in all of this, and I understand that it has been unavoidable, but I have honestly tried to be the best father that I could be. Thankfully, as this chapter in my life has come to an end, and a new one is beginning, I can finally direct a majority of my attention to them.

I praise God for allowing me to have arrived at this place, and I cannot wait to begin my new career as an educator. I have embraced all that I have been given in this life, for better and for worse, and have given thanks all the while. I have known many tears and much laughter...and I choose to know many more. I would ask after having read this, do not do as I have done, only do as you would do. Always smile and make those around you feel greater than the day. When you love, love fiercely, no matter the personal cost. And finally...
always...
always, carpe diem!
Make your lives extraordinary!

DGC

For the Love of the Crowd, and the Three Cheers from Everyone

It's been twenty years since several blokes convinced me to sing in a band we were forming. I wanted to play keyboards, but the guy who wanted to start the band had some superman synthesizer, so I submitted and decided to give the singing thing a go. He lasted for about 2 months before we convinced him we had broken up. We "reformed" and that was the beginning of Cruces. That band lasted for twelve years, and now Through Dint of Heavy Wishing has been around for eight years. After all this time, I feel that I am constantly growing as a vocalist and performer...dying slowly until the next time I'm able to be on a stage. Just about a year ago, a once good friend told me in a fit of rage that I needed to be in front of an audience, because I thrived off of it, and couldn't exist outside of that arena. I truthfully don't believe that the latter is true, but I do admit that I thrive off of a nice audience; they are an important part of not only what I do, but why I do it as well. I have sweat, cried, and bled for an audience on many occasions --and look forward to the next time, which may be tonight at PK's. You never know. Regardless of what happens at the show, every person who has every supported me through the good times and bad...I love each and every one of you. Please come out tonight and join us. I promise to need you.

Tonight's Allie Quotes...Just for the Record

I know I tweet these, but they just get lost in the digi-shuffle.  So, this is the best place to perma-post.  These are some of Al's classic lines from tonight.

"I just found out a couple days ago I have a thinking face."

‎"You know what I would love to do?! Be a vampire in a movie! But have you ever seen a blonde chick as a vampire?!?! No! They always have brown hair and brown eyes!"

"The French club is selling bon bons. I find that rather strange. I guess I should buy some."

Field Trips or Bust

Ro: Guess what? We'll probably only get to go on two field trips this year!
Me: So?
Ro: So??? We went on like six last year!!! Our teacher said they have no money!
Me: Dude, when I was in school we were lucky to go on even one field trip every year!
Ro: Dad! Get over the past! That was in the Nineteen Hundreds! You had no money back then!
Elena: What about the Eighties?!
Me: YEAAAAAAH!!!

Aching for Winter

Aching for winter
I feel for her
I try for my last
Athen's stretch
I need it now
Because I know
In the darkest past
I lost it all
Aching for arms around
The whole of me
So much to be
More than a sketch
That will come to life
And close my eyes
And fly with me
When it's time to choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Early morning rendezvous
Frost all around
Flowers break
The only sound
Clearest sky blue frames her breath
I dare not show
That I know
And can see
That she aches for nothing more
What winter tore
It all from her...
Tore her from me?
Leaving her unsettled for
All and more
Yet wanting less
When she could choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

I pull her close to me
Aching to be
Something that
She needs
In some ways I understand
I was there before
I was swallowed and
Slept the winter away
Now I have my own demands
This is all, this is mine
This is now

This beautiful strife
Aching for winter, oh!
I feel for her
Because I know
We both can still choose

Death or the evermore
Everlasting, tide uprising
Grand amour
All seasons moored
It's in our hands
What do we do?

Get Up and Go

Here are the lyrics for the final group presentation that Jessica Herring and I did for KIN 202.  The prompt was to give a presentation on why we should teach physical education in the classroom.  The video of our presentation can be found HERE.  Watch out next year for more from The Nasty Blessings!

Days are tough
Kids talk rough
Books are long
Answers wrong
What can we do?
Can we make it new?

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Movement in the class
Will help students feel better
About themselves even
In the muck of bad weather
It helps them relax, get over fights
If they’re stressed out, it turns on the lights
We can add extra miles to their lives
If we make them feel good

We need to teach about
The food kids are eating
But also ways to burn
The fuel that they’re needing
Pyramids are great but kids will eat cake
They need to know how they’re body grows
Teach them how activities burn
Extra calories.

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

To love for a lifetime
Our kids need healthy hearts
For the love of their hearts they need
Aerobic skills to start
Bring on the oxygen by stepping it up
Basketball, dancing, even walking’s enough
But teach them lifetime activities too
Like cleaning the house to the beat of a tune

Kids need to go –and they
Like to be free –but they
Need strong muscles –and
Flexibility
So let’s stretch their muscles –and then their
Muscles we’ll train
And all of this adds up
Because it jumpstarts their brain

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

We can help them live
Lives that are
Stronger
If we teach them skills
They can keep
Forever

Get up and go, jump
Kick and run
Whatever you do it’s
Got to be fun
Teach the skills
Kids need to live
Learn that you have
So much to give

Elena's Pine Cone

I just gave Elena a small calendar for the new year called "Baby Animals."  We started going through, flipping the pages, naming each animal.  There was a penguin chick, a polar bear cub, a fawn, etc.  Then I flipped the page and saw this squat little baby porcupine, something I had honestly never seen before, and Elena said, "Awwwww! A baby pine cone!"

Age Appropriate

Bearing point

Breaking point

I've seen them the same

Mine own forgotten measure

Suspension of...

Well...

Prolonged belief?

Or maybe it's the

Affective embattlement

Just so...

Caught up in it all

Frightening emotions

Muddled justifications

Breathing intermittently

Passionately feasting

Picking and choosing

Razor sharp jagged shards

Placements guessed

Adjusted hastily

Fusing together

Mismatched edges

But aren't the colours

So marvelous!

So mesmerizing!

Ah, yes!

Passively convenient reasoning

Movement outside

Alarms ring out

Sense of hearing...

Muffled

Sense of feeling...

Prickly and tingling

Instinct and notions...

Paused and reeling

Knowing better

Does not matter

Matter of fact

It's better not knowing

I'm wearing it all out

Because I do not know

Maybe even don't care

What to wear...

That which is primed

Polished

Dazzling

Seductive...

Or dirty

Frazzled

Travel-worn

Covered in blood of

My all time

I really do not know

And in this all

I say my own name

Out loud...

Just to hear it said

And for a second

It means something

And then that second

...Passes

It joins all of the rest

That time takes back

As freely as it

Eternally surrenders

And I'm still here

Occupying a loaned space

Passing out handbills

Advertising the great

Carnival of Make-Believe

Yes, the one and the same

That I as a youngster

Stole entry through a tear

In a side panel

So, so decorated!

And now look at me

I've mended it myself

With threads of pretense

Marking myself

So clever

So meticulous

So...

Lowered

And...

Jaded

I can admit it

Or

I can hide it

Maybe I'm tired

Of fixing it

Maybe I'm tired

Of talking about it

Yes...

Very, very, very

Tired of talking about it

And so...

I look deep and hard

To draw it out and

Offer it up to be gone

Forever

I see lines that

Years have drawn

A foundation of all

That are yet to come

And maybe...

Maybe I'm okay...

For now...

For yet one more day

I'm still thirty-six.

CRUCES...20 years old this year?!?!

I was just considering that it will have been twenty years since Danny Wilson, Christopher Fouke, and myself started Cruces in September 1990. Matt Arms later joined after the new year with many other members passing through the ranks until the band called it quits in August of 2002. Seriously...twenty years? That's ridiculous. Just to woolgather, I uploaded "Spectacle of Sick Amusement" to the band's MySpace page a bit ago. It was recorded in September 1998 with me on vocals/guitar, Scott Doudera on bass, Eric Watkins on guitar/vocals, and Nate Blache on drums.

Spectacle of Sick Amusement (1998)

Take those words
Drag them through the sand
Take the water pour it down the ditch
Take a look at what pools at the end
Bring down your glass
Your favorite one you know the
One I'm talking about
Your favorite one
Dip it not once, not just twice
Dip it three times and smile
Hold your breath
And toss it in the air
Watch our world shatter
What the hell our love didn't matter
Let it reunite
With the sand

You
Why do you need me?
Why
Do you play with me?
For the spectacle?
For the better days?
Pleasure baby
But maybe
I can hold out
For something better
So take off that face

Dirt road of my creation
Guides your feet
Poison food I grow
Is the food you eat
You say so, so you know
That I believe
Every word you say
Is the life I need
Pinched nerves, nervous feelings
Cash in all of the above
And give it to the meek
Who understand a little more about love
Just take your shit to nowhere
That's somewhere that I won't be
You thought I could take a joke
But that joke took everything from me

You

Why do you need me?

Why

Do you play with me?

For the spectacle?

For the better days?

Pleasure baby

But maybe

I can hold out

For something better

So take off that face

Tremble Bare

I thought I had posted the lyrics to Tremble Bare some time ago, but I guess not! At Val's request, here they are! Check out the tune if you haven't done so at Heavy Wishing's MySpace page.

Blanket more
It’s lonely warmth for now
Isolate
Don’t know better at what else
Tremble bare
Put off all the sounds
Flicker stars
Dance behind my sore closed eyes

Narrow view
From my side
Distance you
Must abide
You must know
That I want
Nothing more
Than you

Miserable
It’s a word I loathe to hear
Ventured thought
That it will never be the if
How to know?
I was never good at that
But I trust
That it will all soon turn around

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

I can hear the wind
It blows outside
I can hear your watch
It all feels right
The room it fades
I drift away
We Tremble Bare

Narrow view

From my side

Distance you

Must abide

You must know

That I want

Nothing more

Than you

Serenity's Edge v1.2

Breathtaking trapeze

No safety below

The touch, the first, the need

Do we dare to show?

Stand above the sea

I gaze at your breath

You motion to me

"The sky is on fire!" you gasp

All the color you see

The beauty, the pain, the depth

Still you wonder at me

"How can you love me?" you ask

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

As the sun hides I see

You look down and smile

"Just forget it," you say

And turn away

I reach out to grab you

My footing gives way

the beauty, the pain, the depth

I awake --alone

Lightning in the distance

Everything opens

Edges of galaxies

I see you

And it all

Make sense

Even though you are

Parsecs away

Lovin' It

I'm about to start getting ready for work. Why am I posting now? Because I'm sitting down, that's why. Actually, these past several days have been quite lazy to tell the truth. This summer class schedule is nothing like intersession. I have class at the same time, 8:40 a.m., but instead of leaving school at almost 3 p.m., I out just a bit after 11 a.m. Also, the workload is spread out because of 8 weeks versus 4. That reading a novel every other night sucked, I won't lie.

I've been trying to swim every day for at least the past couple of weeks, barring rain and other circumstances. My body is finally getting used to it, so I'm picking up my workout a bit. I had stopped my treadmill workouts when intersession started, just because I was so worn out with everything, so this is not only a welcome change, but a needed one as well.

I get the kids this coming weekend, and then it'll be another 7 days before our next vacation together. That may be around the 4th of July weekend? I don't have my calendar around, but I think that's right. I plan on taking them camping somewhere so I'm psyched about that. I've been trying to take them hiking on my weekends, and they just love it. We always have a discussion before we set out, predicting what we might see, and what we know from our previous outings. We stop at all markers and maps, and constantly take inventory of what we're doing while we're doing it. Every moment turns into a teaching moment, and they're responding to so much!

Oliver is supposed to be tracking guitar tonight with Scott engineering as usual. Joe is going to be there, and may track some guitar on his song "Beg the Past." I was going to be busy tomorrow night, but now I'm freed up, so maybe I'll get to work on some studio stuff too if Scott is free. Slowly but surely this thing is coming along!

Well, I guess I must post this and get ready. I hate that I have to miss yet another of Rohan's games tonight, but that's just the way it is. My dad is the greatest for covering for me when I'm not able to be there. I also have missed going out with some of my friends on our usual nights, and can't wait until the next time! I'm embracing this summer as truly one of the best in recent memory. Much love, Derek.

Encounter

Improvisation

The honest carouse

Senses askew

Tumble on down

The stuff the tuft

Smatter and laughter

Dizzy smeared looks

Cursory glance

Patchwork face

All the over

Something about

Never mind

All stop

Locked

Serenity's Edge

There are times
That I sit still
Nothing invades
There are no lights
I see every star in the sky
Time loses meaning
I want to burst
Lightning in the distance
Everything opens
The breeze holds me
A waking dream
Edges of galaxies
I see you
And it all makes sense
Even though you are
Parsecs away

The Bed that You Make

I was just walking to the library from the communications parking lot and decided to take a longer, distantly familiar path, around Lawson toward the Ag building. I wanted to snap some pics with my phone, as I will soon no longer be on campus, and those who know me know that I am the sentimental type. However, I did not anticipate the rush of feelings that started to wash over me. Something melancholy? Possibly an aversion to the path itself or maybe associated memories?

I started back to school in the spring of 2008 at John A. Logan college. I made the decision to go back in the fall of '07. It was not an easy thing to put aside all that I knew, my professional trade, and just take a leap of faith into an unknown world. I had attended JALC for a glimpse of a semester in the fall of '91, but frankly, I don't even remember attending. I amassed a whopping 9 credit hours with a cumulative GPA of 1.67. Awesome, I know, but what did I care? Music was everything to me, and I just knew that my band, Cruces, was going to "make it." Of course, that is another story that I hope to reflect on in the near future. Yet those 9 credit hours were a springboard to acquiring my Associates degree. I was able to take 54 credit hours and raise my GPA to a 3.75 in one year which vaulted me into the Teacher Education Program at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale.

As for SIU --I never, ever saw myself attending this university. Both my father and younger brother had graduated from SIU, and my little sister had already gotten her Masters in Education from the University of Louisville...but me? I built houses for a living; I knew how to perform on a stage; I could write songs in my sleep --but pursuing a Bachelor's degree? It was never in my plans, let alone to become a teacher.

The spring semester of '09 was difficult...I will not lie. I pushed myself to physical limits with no sleep that I did not realize were possible. The first block of the El Ed program is meant to be an initiation of sorts, maybe to cull the pile of pre-service teachers. Who knows? We all like to speculate that is the case, but it is all relative. All the while, I did not realize that my personal life was imploding. I do not reflect much these days on what was really happening behind the scenes in the spring and summer of '09, because there is not much for it. It is irrelevant to my life now. However, my alternative path to the library brought back feelings from over a year ago...feelings that I was accomplishing something that had seemed out of reach...something great for my family. My perspective is somewhat different now. But, make no mistake, I still realize that my accomplishments will forever benefit my children, but a year ago, my point of view was from a different vantage point.

And so...I altered my path. I turned away from venturing to the Ag building and entering Thompson Woods from the west. I had considered going down this path, but knew it would only stir up the irrelevant. I knew my destination and decided against it. It is an interesting place at which I have found myself. Some days I believe that I walk a thin line between the concrete and abstract. This is not a horrible place for an artist, because I do believe wholeheartedly that my past immersion into the mundane was a critical detriment to my artistry. I have no regrets, but the mirror of my past can be very revealing in that aspect. I do not mean to say that I want to flirt with constant chaos for the rest of my life just write a few songs, but I can acknowledge the differences in my work from one period of my life to the next.

I am almost thirty-seven years old. Twenty years ago I was about to turn seventeen. For me, that is an alien thought, because my concept of time seems to be slightly skewed. I am still young, but there are those that are much younger. Granted, there are those that are much, much older, but I still believe that I have been afforded a place to consider in retrospect my actions and those actions of persons around me, both in and out of my personal sphere. I look at my family, my friends, my children, my former relations, my past lovers, and even those whose faces are fresh in my mind, but whose names I am no longer able to recall. Every person that I have known has made an impact on me to some degree. My life is forever intertwined with so many people, and when I stand outside of it all and look within, it is somewhat overwhelming. To even trace back bloodlines to Olde England or the Ukraine...so much greater grows the complexity of the threads of thought in my mind. I attempt it nonetheless, because I am sometimes afraid that I am overlooking the bigger picture of who I am, and my purpose in this so called life. Have I failed...or really, have I yet to even begin the purpose for which I am meant?

In reflection upon the past, I can honestly say that I would not change a thing. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that our fate is defined by destiny. I was destined to make the choices that I did, and now I find myself where I am at now. Sitting in this library, typing this entry at a computer station. My next class begins in thirty minutes. In two days this intersession term will be over, and my summer semester will begin on Monday. That will last only eight weeks and then the countdown will begin for my student teaching this fall. I will graduate in December with my Bachelors and will be a certified teacher after I pass my capstones. And so, I guess I wonder sometimes, "How did I get here?" If this is destiny, then where to next?

My children occupy the greatest field in my line of sight. They invade much of my thinking, for they are greater than anything that I have ever accomplished. They are so much bigger than myself, and more than anything in this world, they humble me, as I often times feel not worthy of such incredible individuals. Because of this, I strive to be a better person than who I was the day before. I always try to impress upon them my observations of the constant struggle of the human condition to untangle the sordid mess of life. Surely it is the uphill climb to obtain true virtuousness? Yet, I feel that I should teach them that to crash and burn is a natural part of living...and how we rise from the ashes and react to the aftermath of the destruction around us...that those lessons are what truly define us. As any father, I want my children to be proud of me...but I want them to also view me as a human being with flaws...one that did the best he could with what he knew. I am only myself and nothing more. If I have been made out to be something greater or lesser than what I state here, then it is of machinations beyond my control. I am a father that loves his children. I am a friend that will run out the extra mile for you. I have the propensity to love for a millennium. I have the determination to build a tower to the sun. I have the complexity of the sum total of every unsolved equation. I have much left to be said, and when my life is over, realize that I was not able to say it all. Whether I was forced from the path that I was on, or rather have taken a different path of my own volition, the true answer is irrelevant. I know what I want, most of which is unknown to the rest of the world. For I am the only person who truly knows even the most ardent feelings that are pent up within my breast. Maybe that story will never be told...or maybe it will. I may purposefully broadcast with set intentions, but I have been around long enough to know that the target audience does not always listen. And so it goes...